Not in a good place today
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| Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:56am |
My DH is traveling on business this week, which has had its ups and downs. Big trigger for me - when DH was out of town I could spend way more time with OMM without having to worry as much about my indiscretions. I'm also a little lonely (pathetic, I know. He's been gone since Monday). The good thing is that I can let my emotions show a little more without him having to look at it. The bad thing is that I'm falling into the obsession part of this addiction. Yesterday I had to remind myself 20 or 30 times that YES he's great looking and fun and the sex was wonderful, but that's it. No future. I didn't want any future with him. He was just not a good intellectual match for me. Those thoughts help keep me grounded (like the thread below, keep remembering what a JERK he is!!)
So here was my latest brainstorm: I've been feeling so wonderful about getting my life back on track and handling the end of this A so well that I stopped taking my antidepressants last week. In hindsight, this might have been a mistake. I'm wondering how much of my present insanity is due to the very real chemical imbalance that I have, and how much is just the real emotions that I need to get out? Oh yeah, that was part of my brainstorm too: how will I truly purge myself of all emotion and get over this if I don't FEEL the feelings! The antidepressants are getting in the way of my "mourning." I'll stop taking them. GEEZ! What a jerk I'm being now.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I get so much great support on this board that I had to get this out. I'm also planning on attending the noon AA meeting. I've got to pull myself together before I start driving by his house...
One last thing: I mentioned that my DH is traveling so I figured that this would also be an excellent time to catch up on my reading. Of course, I picked one about a woman being stalked. So I pick the darned book up after my kids go to bed at 9:00 p.m., and tell myself that I'll just read for "a little while." Both Monday night and last night I was up well past midnight with this crazy novel, then afraid to go to sleep. Yep, I got myself all creeped out. So it's not just the drugs and alcohol, or even the A, it's even a book. I never know when enough is enough of anything.
Just where my head is at today...Love, Mo.


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Hugs to you!!
Don't stop cold turkey with the antidepressants. I know how you feel though, even tho I've never taken them. My teenage daughter did and quit because she "knew" she was sad but couldn't "feel" sad. It's like having a cut on your arm and you put a shot of novacaine on it so it gets numb but it's still there, you just don't feel it, and you're out walking around bumping it on things as if it's "normal". Try eating really healthy natural foods with soy that are good for the soul. Also, try working out really hard, cardio, weightlifting, the works. Do this every day for two weeks and see if you feel the chemical change in your body for the best. I'm not doing it but I have in the past and it's the best feeling, better than drugs.
About obsessing, I'm the queen of obsession. Not only do I know my MM/OMs passwords on his email, I can look up his cell phone bills online ... and I just punched in some numbers on his voice mail and voila! Out spews his messages! So, what have I been up to lately ... or do you even want to guess. Haven't found anything juicy but it's just way too much info that I ended up with somehow someway.
I wish my DH would go out of town and let me breathe. It's hard to try and "look" happy when you're heart is crying inside. Hang in there and maybe I'll see you at the gym.
Luvin
The problem with the antidep and me is that they give me terrible, terrible night sweats. I mean i will wake up in the morning with my pjs, sheet and bedspread drenched. it's really an awful way to start the day. So, i've decided to wean off. You cannot do this cold turkey. I was taking 20 mgs a day and am down to 10. then i tried to cut that to 5mg and i just wasn't ready. So for the last month or so i have been pretty stable at 10mgs and will try 5 mgs soon. It has to be a slow tapering off. Yes. you are right. You are probably having a chemical imbalance.
I cannot wait until i am off of these. I do think they have served their purpose, but for me, and apparently for you, it's time to feel and move on.
Clarice
{{Gentle hugs}}....ok, just breathe and let your mind relax a bit. We have ALL been where you are at with the obsessing....it seems to be cyclical, even MONTHS after ending the a, so that leaves me to believe that there are emotional triggers that are unearthing those wounds to cause you to miss him....but its not "him" that you are missing, but more likely the fantasy, the thrill, the stepping outside yourself, your responsibilities--which IS refreshing. Once we go back to 'humdrum' life: working everyday, taking care of kids, dealing with spouses, bills, etc, etc....of course, our affairs take on a more pleasant memory. BUT its not reality. Reality IS: sneaking around, being dishonest (with ourselves and with others), lacking integrity, lacking the motivation to CHANGE what we can and letting go what we cannot (think: serenity prayer). And lets face it: reality IS hard and NOT always fun and we have become a society that so does NOT want to deal with---look at the addiction rate in our country, the amount of people who have affairs, the suicide rate, etc.(but that's a WHOLE other existential conversation....LOL!).
Re: the anti-depressants...again, we have become a society that believes that we can reduce everything to taking a pill (this is JUST my beliefs here). We have a hard day, take a pill. We can't sleep, take a pill. Feeling too anxious? take a pill. Have some really nasty feelings: take a pill. While I FIRMLY believe there are people who NEED medication (esp. those who are particularly suicidal and those who are NOT functioning in their day to day activities), I think we as a country are way overmedicated and believe that popping a pill will make it better. I once read an article in the New Yorker that talked about the pill popping culture in NYC...how its en vogue to take a pill to take the edge off (xanax, valium, prozac, etc). What I think, along the lines of you, is that it blunts the feelings--and what is happening is that people AREN'T dealing with their feelings--they may THINK they are, but in reality are not.
I know I have had therapists say to me, as well as well meaning friends, that maybe I should try an anti-d...but I've always been a firm believer that I have the answers within. I am not suicidal, and I am functioning in my day to day life. Am I sad? hell yeah, but I have a LOT on my plate too. Irregardless if these relationships are "right" or "wrong", there is still a grieving process in the loss of the relationship. This relationship has led be to look back on myself, my behaviors, my actions and reevaluate it. It has led me back to some childhood wounds of playing the "victim", of being the damsel in distress, of wanting to be rescued from an awful situation. To look back at some of this, is VERY painful...and YES, depressing...but I'm learning to reframe it, not to get caught up in it and not to let it control my actions and behaviors now. It isn't easy....but I believe that anti-d's would have blunted this process for me. And I am definitely the type of person that wants to run from the pain (hence, my addiction to exMM...he was like heroin, and made all the pain 'go away'...but in actuality just covered it up for me!!)
BUT that being said...you are also a recovering alcoholic...and having worked in the addictions field in the past, my concern would be that you may (or may not) have altered the chemical balance in your brain and might need some more time on anti-d's to allow the brain to heal. Please consult your physician with this---some anti-d's cannot be stopped cold turkey without deleterious effects.
Sometimes we need to obsess. One time I was in therapy and I was talking to my counselor about obsessing...and her response was "So, obsess. Think about him ALL you want". and the funny thing is....then I didn't want to. LMAO. It was like I wanted permission...and then once I had it, I didn't want to. So, sometimes I allow myself to obsess, but then I look for the pathways that led me there.
Like you said, you are lonely and with your h being away, its triggering those feelings of "aha, now I have free time for me" which ended up with OM. Funny, my h is away too (and BOY am I glad for the break!!) in Quebec (I'm tempted to call border patrol and tell them he's an al-Quaida operative forming a cell in the States.....don't let him back in!! LOL!). Last night, I had some free time...and instead of jumping on the computer, I did some spiritual reading, meditating, and writing poetry. I can't EVEN tell you how good it felt. This doesn't mean I don't miss exMM...miss him like crazy...but every day I tell myself it will get better, and it does.
It will get better for you, too. You are an incredibly strong woman---you have shown that here on the board time and again...but even as strong as you are, you will still have your moments, accept it and grow from it.
big hugs
dharma
ps...want a laugh? your om was good looking and hot? my exMM: 51, bald, slightly pocked face, mustache, thin and wiry (BUT intellectually stimulating)...and I think he's the HOTTEST thing. (see how SICK I am???? LMAO)
Gee. I think i will look at it now.
I also think it's fine to give yourself the permission to obsess. You may remember last Friday i tried an expermient to see how many times i thought of him in a day. I think i got upwards of 50 hits on my brain. So the other day, i just said to myself: OK. Go ahead an think about him. Give yourself 10 minutes or half an hour or whatever you need.
I can't stand i am on these pills too and can't wait to be off.
Thanks for your support.
Clarice
Wanna hear something even funnier? I actually thought that it MUST be "love" because I would normally NOT be attracted to an man so much older, not "attractive" by typical standards and balding. He dresses kind of shabbily,too AND is a vegetarian (as opposed to my coffee drinking, chain smoking, meat eating ways!). Not that he can't afford to...because he's an attorney and runs a pretty large organization...but because he's a hippie in his heart and money, prestige, clothing have little value to him and I find I'm very similar in sentiments. And I work in a field predominated by men...and and I'm not too shabby in the looks dept. considering I've had 4 kids....and I have met PLENTY of men, some really good looking too.....so I figured, well, if I'm attracted to him, then maybe it IS love. LMAO. (I know that sounds really really shallow...honestly, looks really never matter much to me...)
I just always wonder, though...when looking back on this someday...will he always be attractive or will time snap me out of that and someday I'll think "WTF was I thinking!!"...lol.
While I don't have a picture of him...there is one of him that I found on the web...and once in a while I will look at it and giggle and think "what do I find so attractive about him????" (well, actually I know it was always more emotional!!!! than physical).
Hey, the anti-d's have served their purpose I'm sure. See how you feel when you go off them, you know they are always there to go back to if you need them. As for obsessing....here, I give you PERMISSION to obsess....lol.
Have a great day!
dharma
About the anti-ds, I do believe that I have a chemical imbalance. I have always been severely depressed, which runs in my family. And as you pointed out, Dharma, I'm sure the drugs and alcohol really messed with my brain chemistry. It's been my psych's point of view that I would remain on anti-ds for the rest of my life. They're actually very pleased that I'm functioning with anti-anxiety meds! Small steps, right?
Let's not talk about the way our OMMs look. My DH is a pretty good looking guy, or so people tell me. I kind of don't even notice the way he looks anymore. One thing I do notice is that DH is impeccable about his appearance - not to the point of obsessing about creases in his shirts or anything. But he takes pretty good care of his skin, he wears stylish clothing, has a diamond stud earring and works out almost every day. OMM is just so darned hot!!! The night I met him I thought he looked like Jack Wagner (soap star) and he said he's been told that before. He also reminds people of Jon BonJovi and Kevin Bacon. He's about 6' 2", weighs less than 200 lbs. and is solid muscle. I think I've mentioned before that he's a hockey player. UGH! I hate thinking about the way he looks because I start to melt. But I have to remember that DH is not schlock, either. Women have always found him attractive.
Thank you all so much for giving me permission to obsess. I guess sometimes we just need to do that. I wish I could see the other side of this obsession; i.e. obsess about OMM for the next 2 weeks and then it will be over, you'll NEVER think about him again, all feelings erased, etc. Unfortunately, I know all too well that will never be the case.
Love, Mo.
I will be so happy when i am done with all of this, and i can post here occasionally and offer support.
Thanks for being there and for making me laugh today.
Clarice
If I'm not mistaken, you're both also into the 80s hard rock, aren't you??? We could have some ladies night out, don't you think????? (Except, of course, that I don't drink...) Love, Mo.
i would really just love to be around people that understand what i am going thru (i am still sitting here crying about the stupid SIGH! email i posted a minute a go.) A girlfriend of mine, who knows everything, put on a fundraiser over the weekend. After it was over, she said: now i understand why you are sort of hiding away from people, as you get over this. I was so stressed and tense at the fundraiser and i had to walk around and pretend i was happy and smile alot. That takes a lot of energy to do that. I see now why you'd rather hide away--rather than have to pretend to put on a happy face all the time).
She's right. I'd love to be with you guys--out having fun--listening to music, dancing, laughing, crying.
Wouldn't it be werid if we lived near one another?
Clarice
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