Not in a good place today

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Not in a good place today
11
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:56am
Good morning all. I've got a bit of obsession going here, so I'll own up to that right off the bat. I'm doing the pendulum thing I described a few weeks ago on this board (whew, I'm so glad I ended that/I wonder what he's doing right now/he had no future/I wish I could spend one more night with him/he was so hot looking/my DH is the love of the my life/we had some great times together, though/he sweat an awful lot/blah, blah, blah) Just generally making myself crazy. And it feels good to get that out in writing!

My DH is traveling on business this week, which has had its ups and downs. Big trigger for me - when DH was out of town I could spend way more time with OMM without having to worry as much about my indiscretions. I'm also a little lonely (pathetic, I know. He's been gone since Monday). The good thing is that I can let my emotions show a little more without him having to look at it. The bad thing is that I'm falling into the obsession part of this addiction. Yesterday I had to remind myself 20 or 30 times that YES he's great looking and fun and the sex was wonderful, but that's it. No future. I didn't want any future with him. He was just not a good intellectual match for me. Those thoughts help keep me grounded (like the thread below, keep remembering what a JERK he is!!)

So here was my latest brainstorm: I've been feeling so wonderful about getting my life back on track and handling the end of this A so well that I stopped taking my antidepressants last week. In hindsight, this might have been a mistake. I'm wondering how much of my present insanity is due to the very real chemical imbalance that I have, and how much is just the real emotions that I need to get out? Oh yeah, that was part of my brainstorm too: how will I truly purge myself of all emotion and get over this if I don't FEEL the feelings! The antidepressants are getting in the way of my "mourning." I'll stop taking them. GEEZ! What a jerk I'm being now.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I get so much great support on this board that I had to get this out. I'm also planning on attending the noon AA meeting. I've got to pull myself together before I start driving by his house...

One last thing: I mentioned that my DH is traveling so I figured that this would also be an excellent time to catch up on my reading. Of course, I picked one about a woman being stalked. So I pick the darned book up after my kids go to bed at 9:00 p.m., and tell myself that I'll just read for "a little while." Both Monday night and last night I was up well past midnight with this crazy novel, then afraid to go to sleep. Yep, I got myself all creeped out. So it's not just the drugs and alcohol, or even the A, it's even a book. I never know when enough is enough of anything.

Just where my head is at today...Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:33pm
Chalk one up for another smoker! And yes I do the same thing. Check the boards and then go smoke. I had quit for 1 year and a 1/2 when I was pregant and then breast feeding. Its funny as soon as i stopped breast feeding I totally started craving cigarettes again...my H couldnt understand why I could stop so successfully so to not harm our baby and then I give no thought to the harm it does to me. Maybe that has something to about getting in these crazy A's too. We like to self inflict pain on ourselves. OK. Can somebody so overanalysing??? I simply like smoking!!

Yes I often wonder where you all live and if you are my neighbours....

xo!

Mo - hope your feeling better. Each day is so different. That is one thing that makes me crazy w/ all of this. So many emotions to go through. I guess its part of the healing process.

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