Not in a good place today
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| Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:56am |
My DH is traveling on business this week, which has had its ups and downs. Big trigger for me - when DH was out of town I could spend way more time with OMM without having to worry as much about my indiscretions. I'm also a little lonely (pathetic, I know. He's been gone since Monday). The good thing is that I can let my emotions show a little more without him having to look at it. The bad thing is that I'm falling into the obsession part of this addiction. Yesterday I had to remind myself 20 or 30 times that YES he's great looking and fun and the sex was wonderful, but that's it. No future. I didn't want any future with him. He was just not a good intellectual match for me. Those thoughts help keep me grounded (like the thread below, keep remembering what a JERK he is!!)
So here was my latest brainstorm: I've been feeling so wonderful about getting my life back on track and handling the end of this A so well that I stopped taking my antidepressants last week. In hindsight, this might have been a mistake. I'm wondering how much of my present insanity is due to the very real chemical imbalance that I have, and how much is just the real emotions that I need to get out? Oh yeah, that was part of my brainstorm too: how will I truly purge myself of all emotion and get over this if I don't FEEL the feelings! The antidepressants are getting in the way of my "mourning." I'll stop taking them. GEEZ! What a jerk I'm being now.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I get so much great support on this board that I had to get this out. I'm also planning on attending the noon AA meeting. I've got to pull myself together before I start driving by his house...
One last thing: I mentioned that my DH is traveling so I figured that this would also be an excellent time to catch up on my reading. Of course, I picked one about a woman being stalked. So I pick the darned book up after my kids go to bed at 9:00 p.m., and tell myself that I'll just read for "a little while." Both Monday night and last night I was up well past midnight with this crazy novel, then afraid to go to sleep. Yep, I got myself all creeped out. So it's not just the drugs and alcohol, or even the A, it's even a book. I never know when enough is enough of anything.
Just where my head is at today...Love, Mo.


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Yes I often wonder where you all live and if you are my neighbours....
xo!
Mo - hope your feeling better. Each day is so different. That is one thing that makes me crazy w/ all of this. So many emotions to go through. I guess its part of the healing process.
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