Not guilty...
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| Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:10am |
I have been helped so much by this board and I hope some of you can help me with this. I do not feel guilty about having an A. I do not want to hurt my H and I don't ever want him to find out about my A, but if my xMM were to contact me again and ask me to be with him, I would. We don't live in the same state so running into each other would never happen, we would have to arrange our time together.
I feel as though I have moved through the "grieving" process by reading this board and thought I was close to acceptance that my A is over, (we've had NC for about 3 months) These last few days have been so hard for me, I have been crying a lot and trying not to let my H see me, I don't know how I would explain myself. It takes everything in me NOT to call xMM or send him an email.
Most of you have talked about feeling guilty, it this something that you felt right away or is it part of the process that I haven't come to yet? Just so you know, my H and I are in counseling (he doesn't know about the A) I don't feel that I love my H anymore, I'm just going through the motions of being his W. I saw my therapist by myself on friday, and he said that I have to give counseling at least a year but that he doesn't think my H will change and that I will finally get tired of it and leave. Everything is "good" right now with my H, but I think we are both trying to be something we are not. I truely feel that we have grown apart after about 20 years together. I dread 2/14 with him! I don't want him to find out right now that I don't love him anymore, I'm trying so hard to get that back.
Thanks for all your support, it really helps and means a lot to me.
Dallas

Guilt wasn't a strong emotion I was feeling either. I would have a touch of it here and there, usually when my H was being particularly wonderful I would think "he really doesn't deserve a cheating W like me". But it was never the guilt that made me feel that I had to end the A. If the A was as wonderful as it was during the first year of it, it would still be going on today. I don't think my lack of feeling guilt has anything to do with me justifying my behavior, just that I've come to terms with the fact I had cheated on my H, and there's no going back to being the faithful wife I once was. So I just live with what I've done, and don't dwell on it.
I know where you are coming from when you say you don't feel love for your H anymore. I'm like that too. I admire the man he is, but I don't feel what I should be feeling. We almost had sex this weekend, but was interupted by a phone call, and actually, I was relieved, because I was realizing that as we were getting started, I really wasn't into it. I was going to go thru the motions because it's been awhile since we've had sex, we usually attribute it to our kid being home, but truthfully, that never stopped us before. For the first time, it doesn't seem like it's just me that isn't feeling it, he seems to be making excuses alot now too. I guess after 20 some years together, the desire is bound to take a nose dive, but I truly miss the intimacy I had with XMM. Because now, I don't have any..not with H, and not in the context of an A.
HI Dallas,
I am sorry to hear your termoil. I hope you can find that love with your hubby again, You know what they say if it's meant to be it will be. If you haven't had contact with OM for 3 months why risk it? It is only going to affect your marriage that much more. I am not familiar with your circumstances but if you want things to work out with hubby tnan NC is the only way to go. It would be ashame to see 20 years dissappear just because. I heard a song from Peter Cetera and Cher Its called After All. I really think it defines true meaning of what love is and I heard it with hubby in the car yesterday, Wow I teared up. I had an affair and yes I went through the termoil too, but I realized in the end My husband Is who I love and I am not willing to let 17 years of my life go down the drain. I pray that DH never finds out about my A. It would destroy him. And I do feel an enourmous amount of guilt from my affair.
Good Luck with your hubby. I wish you the best...
Take Care
Ladybug
The sex with my xMM was amazing! I miss that so much. I have tried to bring some of that into my relationship with my H but he just doesn't seem to be that interested. I even told him I wanted to have sex every night but it's not happening. I talked with him about it especially one particular night that he knew I was upstairs waiting for him. He took his time coming up to bed and then told me he wasn't interested. I told him how rejected I felt. I'm usually pretty dissappointed after sex with DH anyways.
My xMM and I have known each other for over 20 years, kept in touch all this time here and there. We had strong feelings for each other back then and I was shocked that they were still very powerful feelings there when we met up again last year, that's when the A started. I knew exactly what I was doing when we started being intimate, I thought that I would feel so guilty afterwards but I don't. I know my xMM does feel guilty and that is why he decided to work on his M. That is when NC started.
I was cleaning up some things yesterday and came across our wedding video. I decided to watch it. My H was out with our 2 older kids. I thought it would bring back all those feelings of being in love with my H, but I felt nothing. That really scared me. I actually had feelings of...I got married too young, I didn't know what I was doing.
Thanks for all your comments. I know I still need to work through this process and hopefully all of us find healing soon.
Dallas
I got involved with my H at an early age too, I was only 18, then ended up getting married a couple years later. I also know what you mean about being concerned over what you AREN'T feeling. An example of what happened with me was once during a severe with my H, he threatened divorce. I had no reaction to that, and that concerned me. I felt that if he were to have left me at that time, I would have been ok with it. I guess I wanted it to be his choice to leave, rather than mine. I told him if he was unhappy then he needs to do what he needs to do. I think he, too, was shocked at my lack of the appropriate reaction. We don't argue much, but when we do, the subject of divorce seems to come up..something we NEVER brought up during an arguement during our earlier years together.
I think alot has to do with boredom, but after having experienced the high of having sex with a man that is SO in-tune to you sexually and emotionally..it makes me really miss "in-love sex" ..something I know for sure I will never have with my H.