Not that important after all...
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| Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:38pm |
But sometimes the hurt and sadness hits me in the stomach and chest, and I feel terrible. I wonder how I will ever get through this and if I'll ever stop thinking about how it would be if it was the 2 of us forever.
It has been almost 3 weeks since his W found out and 2 weeks since I met MM and he said he couldn't go on with this double life. What bugs me the most is that I don't know where he stands right now, because we are still in touch and he says he thinks about me and loves me. This keeps me considering different options, just to feel him near me when we meet again (2 weekends over the next month, then I won't see him for at least 6 months).
A male friend who knows about this A said very bluntly that my MM is probably just backing out slowly to not hurt me too much, and that he has made his choice already..and it is not me. He is probably right, seeing it from a male point of view.
The biggest confusion of it all is how I could go from being so important, the love of his life, the best lover and his saviour - to not so important after all. I am amazed about how meaningful and significant he made this and me out to be, when he finds it so easy to leave it behind. Of course, he probably felt he had no choice. But it really hurts that I have fooled myself into believing that I actually mattered in his life, like he did in mine..and still do. How come men can let go so easily while we need message boards to help us live on and ease the pain? I hate myself for not letting go entirely, forget about him and move on with my life.
This is late night rambling, sorry about that. But I hope and know I'm making another tiny step forward just be letting this out instead of keeping it inside. Thanks for listening :-)

Reasons why a relationship would never work
1) His kids would figure it out one day and I would not want them to think of me as the evil lady that broke up our family.
2) If I was an A...How many others will he have?
3) We've never had to deal with serious issues as a couple...bills.. etc. would we be able too?
4) If he'd leave her, why wouldn't he leave me?
Well you get the picture...
Why hang onto his decision when you can decide for yourself?
Just a thought.
BTW, your important to us!
Katja