Not that important after all...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Not that important after all...
2
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:38pm
Deep down I know I have started on the process of moving on. I feel a little bit better and don't worry that much when I don't hear from my MM (or was it xMM) anymore. I think about him less (but still too often).

But sometimes the hurt and sadness hits me in the stomach and chest, and I feel terrible. I wonder how I will ever get through this and if I'll ever stop thinking about how it would be if it was the 2 of us forever.

It has been almost 3 weeks since his W found out and 2 weeks since I met MM and he said he couldn't go on with this double life. What bugs me the most is that I don't know where he stands right now, because we are still in touch and he says he thinks about me and loves me. This keeps me considering different options, just to feel him near me when we meet again (2 weekends over the next month, then I won't see him for at least 6 months).

A male friend who knows about this A said very bluntly that my MM is probably just backing out slowly to not hurt me too much, and that he has made his choice already..and it is not me. He is probably right, seeing it from a male point of view.

The biggest confusion of it all is how I could go from being so important, the love of his life, the best lover and his saviour - to not so important after all. I am amazed about how meaningful and significant he made this and me out to be, when he finds it so easy to leave it behind. Of course, he probably felt he had no choice. But it really hurts that I have fooled myself into believing that I actually mattered in his life, like he did in mine..and still do. How come men can let go so easily while we need message boards to help us live on and ease the pain? I hate myself for not letting go entirely, forget about him and move on with my life.

This is late night rambling, sorry about that. But I hope and know I'm making another tiny step forward just be letting this out instead of keeping it inside. Thanks for listening :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 7:29pm
One of my biggest regrets about my A is that I hung in wait,while my XMM, "made a decision." I think to myself now... Didn't I already make the decision?

Reasons why a relationship would never work

1) His kids would figure it out one day and I would not want them to think of me as the evil lady that broke up our family.

2) If I was an A...How many others will he have?

3) We've never had to deal with serious issues as a couple...bills.. etc. would we be able too?

4) If he'd leave her, why wouldn't he leave me?

Well you get the picture...

Why hang onto his decision when you can decide for yourself?

Just a thought.

BTW, your important to us!

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 12:19am
Hello Mankella, first of all thanks for taking the time to reply to my post earlier today.Sounds like our situations are similar(single involved in a long term A. with MM- who will never leave (Katje, great points on your reply to Mankella, about the kids finding out and being the evil Druella deVill LOL)I don;t excuse them staying, but facts are facts and depending on the circumstances it can be harder for a man, he looses more, think about paying child support, alimony?, loosing, house, going from being like my MM or is that xmm?! anyway, from 24/7 dad to two weekends a month dad, F.e. W of my MM/XMM threatened several times to move back home with the parents, 3 hours one way drive away...point is, it is not totally excusable, but harder for men to leave, we take our kids with us, keep the houses and get childsupport, however I only took the kids, and their belongings, left him the house and nope don;t get child support (long story- but we worked it out, withut the courts , visitation schedules etc...and he is a better father thenever, this mean more to me him driving one hour evry day just to watch his son at baseball practice, not even the game, then any money could make up) sorry I am rambling. Guess I just see things from the human, snowball effect side, the consequences...and would you ever want him to leave her for you? I would not, should he be totally unhappy with her, he should leave, but not to move in with me,we talked abuot that, he would have ot get a place on his own, and maybe then we could date and get to know each other..anyway Mankella what I am trying to say...you never know, either way...it can go..it is easy to say this or that if hte shoe is not on our foot, I am sure he meant when he said you are so wonderful and he loves you, but it is not enough to choose between the kids and you, and essentially this is what it would be a choice. Surely he is scared now what she will do, come on , when we women know someone else out there is about to snatch our man away, we all react a bit differently, and there are several ways she can make his life living hell, leaving or staying with him. Most men stay because of responsibilities and obligations etc....so don;t take it personal, I know it hurts, MM's wife found out twice, well not to many details but enough to send him and me in big distress. he panicked twice, and I knew he would have to cool it down, and yes I was scared that I would loose him, but he bounced back twice.....so give this some time, give him some time to figure it out, but also yes decide for yourself what do you want. What do you need to be completely happy?..can he , no matter how much eh may want to, but can he give this to you? and can you accept it, without it tearing you apart. Can you truly try to enjoy the moment or are you to hopeful for what if?.....give yourself some time...I know it is hard ....hope this was of some help....