Not looking forward to this week

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Not looking forward to this week
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:53pm
Hi, I am a long time lurker who gets my support from reading all of your wonderful, caring posts, however, this week I have to procede with caution. I could really use some support. I will give you the very short version of my story and if you need more info, just ask. I have been married for 12 1/2 yrs to my high school sweetheart, we have been together 17 yrs and I am 32 and he is 33. We have 2 beautiful children DD 11 and DS 6. Our marriage has always been strange, H was military for 9 years and was gone about 5 yrs out of the first 7 yrs of our marriage. Anytime we had issues, he would volunteer to go somewhere to avoid our discussions. I spent many night crying and trying to figure out if I belong anywhere in his life. H had enough and we separated, I moved back home and took care of my sick mother, while H had an emotional affair with some woman, he then decided he wanted me and the kids, got out of the military and moved home. Theing were great for awhile, but it was only on the outside. H is a MGR for a very large company and makes very good money, about 1 1/2 yrs ago, we started having communication problems and H decided AGAIN, to take a job in another state 500 miles away. He knew I would not that the kids away from their extended families and we were in the middle of remodeling our home and I knew it wouldn't sell. So the kids and I stayed back while he moved in with 2 other single men. H was to come home on twice a month among paying the bills, that lasted maybe 2 months. I couldn't get ahold of him while he was off work and when he was working if I called for anything I was told "I don't have time for you" and he would hang up. It was so bad, that everyone in my small town told me to have an affair, that if anyone deserved to be happy it was me. Well I finally decided to go out with my friend in August, we went to a few bars and the last one we went to had a band playing and the doorman was cute, but young so I didn't think anything of it and we were too wrapped up in my friend's problem. As the night and drinks went on, the doorman became the bartender, well he was talking to another friend and she introduced us, in our small town, I knew his father very well and he knew mine, but because of the age differences and the fact that I hadn't lived there for awhile, he was shocked to find out who I was, as I was shocked to see how good looking he was, (last time I saw him he was 5 yrs old). We ended up going home together that night, and when I dropped him off I didn't expect to ever hear from him again, after all I am 32 yrs old, he was 21 and I have 2 kids and a husband. Two nights later he called and we talked all night, that lasted for 3 nights then I would pick him up at 11:00 pm and take him back before I got the kids up for school and I had to work, within 2 weeks we were living together and the kids loved him, they so needed the attention that H refused to give us. I started divorce procedings, and then the next thing I knew H stopped paying the mortgage and I had to move, so OM and I and kids moved in together, within that month, H moved back to town, I was pregnant to OM and OM refused to work. During that time, H was very supportive, offered to put me on his insurance as my job covered our insurance and I was laid off, H gave me money, bought the kids a ton of clothes and somehow managed to get transferred back. I fianlly had a really deep talk with H and expressed my concerns with OM and H said he would back me in any decision. OM just made things difficult, his insecurites and harrassment caused me to have a miscarriage. Fast forward a few months, H is finally the husband I have dreamed about, OM still has my heart and my soul and H is on a business trip this week, do you know how tempted I am to call OM, just to see how he is, I know he would come over in a heartbeat, but it has been 13 days NC and I just have to be strong. Thank you for letting me get all this off of my shoulders, as nobody I know can know I still am in love with OM, that relationship is not accpetable and I would lose my kids, my family and most of my friends, they all forgave me once, but will not do it again. I just pray I can be strong and go on with my life.
Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 9:11pm
Welcome keystone........

AFTER all that OM has done to you and the miscarriage that you say was his fault... how can your heart and soul still belong to him?

Girl, you need to be strong and not allow that same foolish temptation to lead you on a further road of self destruction.

I will say that after what you and your H have done to each other, I am amazed that you're still together but obviously, that IS where you want to be so concentrate on that. Use your H's business trip as an opportunity to do some nice things for yourself like lunch with friends, buying something nice to surprise him with when he gets home or tackling some home project that neither of you ever seem to have the time to do.

Contacting OM *will* set you back miles... please promise me you won't do it!!! OK? When you want friends to talk to...come here and post away...we're much better to your emotional stability than OM... I promise!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 4:58am

Thank you for your reply, in the defense of my OM, he is so young and he was so scared to lose his child he acted out of control. He showed up one day at my house with his lawyer, I would come home from anywhere and he would be camped out in front of the house or until I changed the locks he would be inside the house. He threatened his own life and called me several of times with a gun to his head, (his father committed suicide, so he feels he should) as I write this out, I can't believe I let this person take control over me. But I must stress it wasn't always bad, as most relationships you have the good with the bad, however, his bad was killing me. He just is a scared boy, trying to find his way, in his heart there is so much pain, I think that is why I was attracted to him, I like the underdogs, I like it when they succeed. He doesn't have his high school diploma, he doesn't have his drivers liscense, he lost it at 17, with a DUI, then he kept getting caught driving with a suspended liscense, he was a drug dealer and his idea of a days work is getting up and going to the bar and sitting there with all his dad's old friends. Then there is my H, who is so committed to his job, he was willing to lose his family for it, he graduated college as their outstanding graduate of the year, he earned some of the military's top honors, and now with his new job, he has the highest score in the company. They are so opposite, I just can't believe how they both have a hold on me.

I really want my life with my H, he has done a complete turn around since this OM incident, how many men would take thier wife back pregnant with another man's child and offer to raise that child as his own? My H did, my H was there during the miscarriage, and held me after, we are in marriage counseling, now all of this happened in November, we are down to one session every month. My H has accepted his role in what happened and is trying to correct his behavior. I guess I just answered all my doubts, when you spell it out and the writing is on the wall, they are right the grass isn't greener on the other side.

I just went back and read my first post and paragraph, you know I wish no ill-will towards, my OM, and I wish him the best, I hope he finally gets out of the bar, and gets a job and does something he can be proud of. I know he is capable of so much more than what he is doing, but he has to help himself and these posts have given me the closure I think I needed to move on.

I sat on the fence for too long, you can't be committed to 2 men at the same time, it will kill you. I also agree that if at all possible the NC rule has to be in effect or else you just open the wounds that should be healing.

P.S. I promise not to contact him, when you see your life in black and white it is ugly and I don't want to go back there. I love my calm, boring life, I will leave the excitement to anyone else who wants it.