Not in love with H

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Not in love with H
9
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 9:23am
I am new and wanted to ask if anyone has ever fallen back in love with their H. I started my A because I wasn't in love with my H. Long story to explain but the short version is my H never showed me that he loved me. Took me for granted, condesending, noncommunicative, selfish. But he is a good dad and a good provider. I don't think he meant to hurt me because now that I almost ended things he is trying to change. But I feel like it's too late. I spent 12 yrs trying to get him to listen to me. The 12th year is when the A started for me. Lasted for 2+ years. I told my H I wanted a divorse and he knew I wasn't kidding. Could probably see the change in me. Even suspected I was having an A. I never told him about the A. I stay with H because he is the father of my 3 kids and a good man. D is harder on the husbands financially and I can't do it to him. He knows he messed up but is it too late? I am not in love with him. I am in love with X-AP. Help please?!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 9:49am

Good Morning and welcome to EAS.


First I want to say that its never too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 9:54am

Hi Lexi and welcome to the board.


I'm not married so I can't answer about falling back in love with your husband.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 10:20am
Hi Lexi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 3:16pm

Hi Lexi,


Welcome to EAS.


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Yes many here have including me.


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Wow…my H and yours must have been made from the same mold. He isn't that way anymore as he and I have made a lot of changes in our relationship. It would be easy to focus on the negatives about my H and I’m sure he could make a list just as long about my short comings. We tend to start doing a comparison between xAP and H that really is not a fair comparison. Did xAP work all day for us? Did xAP take out the garbage even though he was stressed after a long day at work? Did xAP handle any repairs? Did xAP provide anything for your children? After twelve plus years of putting up with PMS, kids and the daily grind, xAP could not look as unlovable as your H does to you right now.


There is hope Lexi. My IC suggested thinking back to when I first met my H. What I liked about him and why I was drawn to him. She also suggested making a list of the things he did to win me over and the way he made me feel. It is very easy to forget that.


A big mistake I made in my M is that I thought the love and intimacy would always be natural and that neither of us would have to work at it. That is a falsie.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 4:57pm

E1~


You ROCK!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 8:38pm
Wow I am so glad I decided to post here. I feel like I have been so alone for the last couple years. Living a double life and nobody but AP (now X-AP) knew what I was going thru. I am going to really try and focus on my marriage. I want to make it work. I do still worry that I can't fall back in love with H. Not because of AP. But because I fell out of love with him even before my A. We were living like friends but with sex. Know sex seems so hard for me. I want the connection. We don't have that and haven't even before the A. My A was a result of something missing in my marriage. A deep loving connection. I really am going to try hard to find that connection with H. That's why I am NC. I know I can't give my marriage a chance with X-AP in my life. It will be hard to be 100% nc because he lives locally but I will not call or email. He has sent me a couple emails which I have read but deleted. I truly appreciate you all helping me. As you seem to know this support is what gets us thru. Thank you. And please offer as much advise. I will need it!!!!
Lexi
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: lexi71
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 9:24pm

Hi, Lexi~


I know your post is a little older, but I must have missed it the first time around.


I am married and am falling back "in love" with my hubby. I threw myself back in to my m even before I was out of the a, and, in hindsight, that probably wasn't the brightest thing to do, but it's working.


Like you, my h and lived like friends-really, though, I'd say more like roommates, but ones that only talked when they had

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 8:05am

HI Lexi71


I agree that yes you can get it back with H. My A ended about 5 months ago and I like your situation,divorce was in the cards, hubby decided to make some real changes and showed an effort in continuing to make them.


I was also in love with XAP when he dumped me, we had future plans ect. I was crushed. Fast forward to the now. Things are getting better with H and I. Its a constant trying, I feel for him now more than what I did months ago.


I guess what Im trying to say is, it doesnt happen over night. It takes time ,endurance and faith. H and I are not there yet but I believe we are on our way not to getting back what we had but to discovering what we have now. Things are different now than what they were when we were in love and strong together. Things wont ever be like they were because we are both different as people,different time in our lives and our wants have changed. Im ok with this because I dont want things they way they were, thats what lead me to have my A's.


Hang in there, if you want your marriage to work then youll get there

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
In reply to: lexi71
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 8:30am

Thank you so much for your support.