Perhaps he should have thought about all that before he entered into the A. What an a**!! Don't you DARE cave into his demands! You have a real life and real job and if being involved in the community is part of it, I say put bells on your toes and go for it in the grandest style possible!! He doesn't get to control you anymore. Like you said, it's over and you don't need to worry about getting caught in an active A. You sound like you've been more than careful. He is paranoid, which is probably going to do him in. He needs to get a grip. Let him have his "last word" and you can chuckle about it, knowing that you
I recognize a lot in what you wrote. My XAP also always tried to make ME the bad guy here, saying mean stuff to me that was totally untrue. I don't know why they do that. I guess they feel better when they can make us look like crazy psycho bitches (saying: "you are always so unrealistic") ? I have no idea.
The last he did that I got very mad at him, I showed him my anger for a sec, but then I thought: you don't even deserve to see how you can unsettle me with your mean words. I wish I could offer you better advice, I am just sorry you are hurting. Hugs HTGO
Hey there, Alice - It sucks that you got that contact with X, but think of it as a blessing. You certainly are NOT interested in going back to _that_ shiz, are you? Think of it this way: You are FREE from him and it's all about YOU now. Go about your life the way you want and you don't have to concern yourself with his paranoid crap anymore. You are free, free, free. Hallelujah!
Now, tell me... you are NOT trying to integrate yourself into his life, are you? Are the activities you're choosing wise? Are you avoiding contact wherever possible and protecting yourself from contact? I say this only because I know all too well the temptation to say distantly connected. I was guilty of that in the very beginning and doing so can feel like "I'm not really breaking NC" but it's a mental game/lie newbies play.
What are you going to do about his ability to contact you from his office from unknown numbers? Is it possible for to screen your calls, send unknown numbers to voicemail or the like? Now is a very delicate time for you so do what you have to do to protect yourself, even if it means that some vendors and such have to get your voicemail instead of you answering the phone for a while. They'll deal!
I think I might be one of a few who have ended up with a pretty angry xAP - I don't think there are many of us though? My story is different from yours, but my xAP would've absolutely hated that I had 'the last word' (so to speak) when I sent the brief NC email to him less than 24 hours after I spoke with him, telling him how much I missed him, called him 'baby' etc etc (blurgh!) And during the day after I sent the email, he texted me (very angry), replied to my email very briefly and rudely and then called my voicemail and left a very very angry message. His ego must have taken the biggest blow...
And yes, my xAP thought I was a bit of a 'psycho bitch' too, I know, and his most hurtful line to me was "It's ALWAYS about you!! You are so SELFISH sometimes!!" WTF???!!! Looking back now, and in my attempt to pull the A to pieces as I've gained clarity, I can't believe I let him say that stuff to me??! And I know now, that it really was, so often, about HIM. But the A fog took that clarity away for me at the time.
One thing I do think though, is I'm kinda glad that there's some anger there from xAP and between us, cos I think that is helping me get over it a little easier, and help me really see the A for what it was and xAP for what he was/is. If we'd tried to finish the A with 'undying love' exchanges for each other, then I reckon it would be so much harder to get over.
I totally agree with you, bestrong, that it makes it a little easier to get out of the fog when there's some anger. Ending the A with "undying love" exchanges makes it much harder. I don't know how anyone can ever do it that way.
OH NNNNOOOOOOO.......we parted as closest friends......
thats the last thing l needed to hear from you ladies re finishing with undying love.... . we had our d day feb 8th and feb 9th we had already arranged to meet for a day of team golf and had agreed to travel there together.... journey there fine, day terrible,,, journey home again fraught with good conversation, jokes about driving into the sunset and then...silence and pauses... final heartbreaking end agreeing to ' remain close friends'.... i received a text following day that i ignored, then stupidly sent an email 2 days later thanking for txt... I went away for V weekend with DH to try to reconnect.....got back monday and recd the most beautiful email from xAP ..thanking for all the fun times, all my time, declaring his affection, HIS loss, and love etc etc, although no hint of a reunion....I admit.. the email took my breathe away, i stupidly replied and now 2 days later am KICKING myself for having circumbed to his genuine but heartbreaking email..... i am p....sed that he has not replied..even if we agreed as friends emailing once a week was acceptable BUT.i find no that is not acceptable. genuine friends email when they want..no conditions... not on set days.. .. now i am angry and frustrated that he hasnt seen/ replied to my email that HE elicited sending me a heartfelt one.. he is obviously not hanging on to every opportunity to check his mail... and i b.....dy well am back to square one..... DH is away this week and my poor children are copping the brunt of my frustration and disappointment..... i have been tempted to email again or txt but have refrained all day ....i am just so angry......
Oh, I know all too well how you are feeling :-( It sucks when you continue to have expectations of him. Being friends is not possible. Being friends is something totally else than "this" . I don't even know how to describe "this". The in between land. I feel angry and frustrated too today, I already wrote him a looooooooooong email, cussing him and telling him to leave me alone and to not ever come fishing again!!! I am no fish (#^$^&#%#@%@!!! I also slapped him in the face. Bang bang bang. Eight times I did.
Well, all of that I did not truly do, but I did write an email (did NOT send it) and I did punch a pillow imagining that it was his face. LOL
I am in a very bad state today, I am not sure if it's just about xAP but also because of my hormones.
Hi HTGO Thanks for your response, ,,have drowned myself in a bottle of wine, taken to bed and cried and cried..... now 3 hours later I am awake again, swollen eyes , hating him and cannot sleep ( time zone at least 12 hours ahead of yours...)
Your pillow at least made me smile, 'in between' land is a good analogy... i hate it even after 8 days i can see that for me it is a really bad idea.... for my sanity i should block and walk, but we never got that ugly, even with 2 D-days for him he never threw me under the bus...
DH doesnt deserve this, thank goodness he is not here, i dont know how i would hide it from him if he was home all the time..i have made soo many excuses about work etc as it is to cover my sadness and frustrations..... i need to focus on the damage the A has done to my family and is still doing to my family....not waste my time waiting for something that never comes and when it does i will only be fooling myself waiting for the next hit.....
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Hi Alice,
I recognize a lot in what you wrote. My XAP also always tried to make ME the bad guy here, saying mean stuff to me that was totally untrue. I don't know why they do that. I guess they feel better when they can make us look like crazy psycho bitches (saying: "you are always so unrealistic") ? I have no idea.
The last he did that I got very mad at him, I showed him my anger for a sec, but then I thought: you don't even deserve to see how you can unsettle me with your mean words.
I wish I could offer you better advice,
I am just sorry you are hurting.
Hugs
HTGO
Alice,
First of all, my congratulations to you for hanging up on him.
Hey there, Alice -
It sucks that you got that contact with X, but think of it as a blessing. You certainly are NOT interested in going back to _that_ shiz, are you? Think of it this way: You are FREE from him and it's all about YOU now. Go about your life the way you want and you don't have to concern yourself with his paranoid crap anymore. You are free, free, free. Hallelujah!
Now, tell me... you are NOT trying to integrate yourself into his life, are you? Are the activities you're choosing wise? Are you avoiding contact wherever possible and protecting yourself from contact? I say this only because I know all too well the temptation to say distantly connected. I was guilty of that in the very beginning and doing so can feel like "I'm not really breaking NC" but it's a mental game/lie newbies play.
What are you going to do about his ability to contact you from his office from unknown numbers? Is it possible for to screen your calls, send unknown numbers to voicemail or the like? Now is a very delicate time for you so do what you have to do to protect yourself, even if it means that some vendors and such have to get your voicemail instead of you answering the phone for a while. They'll deal!
Love and support to you, Dear.
Dee
alice~
I think I might be one of a few who have ended up with a pretty angry xAP - I don't think there are many of us though? My story is different from yours, but my xAP would've absolutely hated that I had 'the last word' (so to speak) when I sent the brief NC email to him less than 24 hours after I spoke with him, telling him how much I missed him, called him 'baby' etc etc (blurgh!) And during the day after I sent the email, he texted me (very angry), replied to my email very briefly and rudely and then called my voicemail and left a very very angry message. His ego must have taken the biggest blow...
And yes, my xAP thought I was a bit of a 'psycho bitch' too, I know, and his most hurtful line to me was "It's ALWAYS about you!! You are so SELFISH sometimes!!" WTF???!!! Looking back now, and in my attempt to pull the A to pieces as I've gained clarity, I can't believe I let him say that stuff to me??! And I know now, that it really was, so often, about HIM. But the A fog took that clarity away for me at the time.
One thing I do think though, is I'm kinda glad that there's some anger there from xAP and between us, cos I think that is helping me get over it a little easier, and help me really see the A for what it was and xAP for what he was/is. If we'd tried to finish the A with 'undying love' exchanges for each other, then I reckon it would be so much harder to get over.
Anyone else have thoughts on this?
I totally agree with you, bestrong, that it makes
it a little easier to get out of the fog when there's some
anger. Ending the A with "undying love" exchanges makes
it much harder. I don't know how anyone can ever do it that way.
Hugs
HTGO
OH NNNNOOOOOOO.......we parted as closest friends......
thats the last thing l needed to hear from you ladies re finishing with undying love.... . we had our d day feb 8th and feb 9th we had already arranged to meet for a day of team golf and had agreed to travel there together.... journey there fine, day terrible,,, journey home again fraught with good conversation, jokes about driving into the sunset and then...silence and pauses... final heartbreaking end agreeing to ' remain close friends'.... i received a text following day that i ignored, then stupidly sent an email 2 days later thanking for txt... I went away for V weekend with DH to try to reconnect.....got back monday and recd the most beautiful email from xAP ..thanking for all the fun times, all my time, declaring his affection, HIS loss, and love etc etc, although no hint of a reunion....I admit.. the email took my breathe away, i stupidly replied and now 2 days later am KICKING myself for having circumbed to his genuine but heartbreaking email..... i am p....sed that he has not replied..even if we agreed as friends emailing once a week was acceptable BUT.i find no that is not acceptable. genuine friends email when they want..no conditions... not on set days.. .. now i am angry and frustrated that he hasnt seen/ replied to my email that HE elicited sending me a heartfelt one.. he is obviously not hanging on to every opportunity to check his mail... and i b.....dy well am back to square one..... DH is away this week and my poor children are copping the brunt of my frustration and disappointment..... i have been tempted to email again or txt but have refrained all day ....i am just so angry......
not happy at all!!!
Life is too Short ... A. since Mar 29th 2009
Hi happyandyet,
Oh, I know all too well how you are feeling :-(
It sucks when you continue to have expectations of him.
Being friends is not possible. Being friends is something totally else than "this" . I don't even know how to describe "this". The in between land.
I feel angry and frustrated too today, I already wrote him a looooooooooong email, cussing him and telling him to leave me alone and to not ever come fishing again!!! I am no fish (#^$^&#%#@%@!!! I also slapped him in the face. Bang bang bang. Eight times I did.
Well, all of that I did not truly do, but I did write an email (did NOT send it) and I did punch a pillow imagining that it was his face. LOL
I am in a very bad state today, I am not sure if it's just about xAP but also because of my hormones.
I hope you feel better soon, happy.
HUGS
HTGO
Hi HTGO
Thanks for your response, ,,have drowned myself in a bottle of wine, taken to bed and cried and cried..... now 3 hours later I am awake again, swollen eyes , hating him and cannot sleep ( time zone at least 12 hours ahead of yours...)
Your pillow at least made me smile, 'in between' land is a good analogy... i hate it even after 8 days i can see that for me it is a really bad idea.... for my sanity i should block and walk, but we never got that ugly, even with 2 D-days for him he never threw me under the bus...
DH doesnt deserve this, thank goodness he is not here, i dont know how i would hide it from him if he was home all the time..i have made soo many excuses about work etc as it is to cover my sadness and frustrations..... i need to focus on the damage the A has done to my family and is still doing to my family....not waste my time waiting for something that never comes and when it does i will only be fooling myself waiting for the next hit.....
Thanks for listening... :(
Life is too Short ... A. since Mar 29th 2009
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