Not sure I agree on the drastic approach

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Not sure I agree on the drastic approach
3
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 7:55am

Firts let me say I know everyoen here wants to help!!

For the first time in my over 2 year A, I am absolutely sure it is over. Not just b/c he ended things but b/c I know it isn't right anymore. Not that that makes this all that much easier. Things ended somewhat badly (not how I would have liked) but its break-up, what can you expect! I am very mad at him which is better than feeling sad. But I do realistically know I will feel sad, miss him, hate him, want to call..go thru the gamet to feelings. Just hoping my real goal of being free of all this (as so many of you say I will) is what I keep reaching for! That is my motivator. I am not on the low end of the roller coaster. This is the last time I will be upset over this man!

SO with that said, yes I am mad. I think he behaved poorly but I am sure he thinks I did as well. But I have a problem bashing him to death. Saying he lied to me, used me, made empty promises etc. Maybe some MM/OM's did that but I can't invent horrible qualities about him. and I am not exactly sure that helps?? I mean thinking that my MM used me doesn't do anyhitng but salt into my open wound and takes another blow at my already bruised ego. I think it is better to see the situation as it is. Two people who got wrapped in somehitng unhealthy. Rode the roller coaster until the ride was up and ended things badly.

Just as with any break before I was married, I hope to one day to wish him well in my heart! Right now I want him to get the flu, gain lots of weight, get a flat tire and not get promoted at work!! But I am not one to carry hate around forever. For myself I want to get rid of the pit in my stomach. Try not to cry today. And just move on!

SO for not I will take all of your advice about mourning the loss but I will not create MM into someone he wasn't, bad or good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:27am

That is a very healthy attitude. Although I DO have reason to be upset at XMM, I knew what I was getting into when I chose to have the A in the first place. I do not wish to ever see myself as having been "used". That's just rediculous way to feel..and a feeling that seems to be reserved for women only. When would a man feel ever feel "used" in an A?? He sees affairs for what they are..2 people that made a conscious choice to pursue whatever feelings they were having.

There are traits my XMM has that I realized I cannot live with and it was in the best interest of my pride to end it. Although I do have anger about situations that have occurred as a result of his character traits, I have to try to understand that is just the person he is, and let it go. Easier said then done, but you're right...what good comes from making him into some kind of monster. He even said to me once "does it make it easier for you to be angry at me?" I guess it does to some degree. But that anger has a way at leaving a bitter woman at the end. I don't want to be that woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:36am

I said the exact thing to my MM .."was gettign me mad at you to help me?. He said "not my intention but...". I am trying have a healthy outlook b/c I feel like such crap! I am tryign to keep my head in a good direction b/c my heart (as well as my stomach and ego) feel like a knife is runnign thru them.

Just cant wait to get out of the fog!

Thanks for your reply!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:36am

Cap,

<<>>

No, making up things will not help you heal...opening your eyes to the reality of the situation will. My xOM did not lie, use or make empty promises. Our relationship was one that could never be, because I am married. Not because either one of us are bad people.

I think many times people get involved in A's with people who DO lie, use and make empty promises. But no two situations are EXACTLY the same.

It sounds to me like you know what you need to do as far as walking away from your A. That's a start in the right direction!

Diva