not sure I can write it all at once
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not sure I can write it all at once
| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 5:46pm |
Hi. I'm not sure I have posted here before. 25 year mutual infatuation with MM. I've been married for the past 16 years. Some physical contact, no IC. In past 5 years, increasing level of e-mail, phone conversations, occasional visits. We are separated by a vast distance. I now have three school-aged kids. I have multiple times made the choice not to get sexual with him. Recently, I decided to consummate the relationship, but couldn't carry it through due to guilt, self-preservation, etc. Our "Date" in April was argued about, then cancelled. All bets are off. We are now NC. This makes perfect sense. I feel blessed that I didn't get more involved physically, but we have been very very connected emotionally. I should add that he is separated from wife but not divorced. I miss emails, phone conversations incredibly, and just don't find a similar emotional connection with my DH. While we are now NC, I still find myself imagining and truly believing in a future with him, albeit a while from now. How does one give up the concept of imagining a future with someone? I just can't get the notion out of my head. I can't leave my husband now, but still believe that this A has a future. Any advice? Given that this has lasted over half my life, I just don't see it as some fleeting fantasy. I know his W and have heard all the ways he is impossible, and have witnessed some of this myself, and yet still, I feel he is less impossible than my own H and that perhaps we would be able to work something out together. What keeps me back is the age of my kids and wanting to provide some stability for them, and also that my husband is a good man, just very different from me emotionally.
Advice welcome. I'm tough and can hear it all.
Thanks, Alice
Advice welcome. I'm tough and can hear it all.
Thanks, Alice

Alice
It may not have been a fleeting FANTASY but is is a FANTASY none the less, they say if you want to end an affair then live with your AP becauuse the reality of a real life relationship 24/7 is totally different from this thing you have/had going on.
How can you reasonably expect to connect to your husband when you have spent all or a major portion of your life together EMOTIONALLY CHEATING ON HIM and that is what you have been doing, YOU have robbed your marriage of your energy that should have been channeled into it and wasted it on this FANTASY relationship that has NO FUTURE.
I don't know who started the NO CONTACT but it is the best thing to have happened to you in this whole thing even if you do not feel that way today.
You want to deal with the ideas floating around in your head, the best advice I can give is to ACCEPT THE TRUTH, it is an affair based on nothing but your imagination(s) it was never a real realtionship and like any hot house plant onced exposed to the cold hard world would rapidly DIE.
What many people in affairs don't seem to get is that there spouse is often enabling there affair by supplying the bulk of there needs and that the AP is only contributing a small portion of what she/he needs once you remove the spouse you discover low and behold the AP IS NOT CAPABLE OR WILLING to do what is needed to me your needs.
Affairs are not "US" type of relationships there relationships based on Two "MEs" each using the other to get what they want or believe they need, a healthy marriage type of relationship is about to people nurturing each other over the years most giving as much as they get.
The stats make it very clear that affair based relationships that come out into the light of day have better then a 95 percent chance of going belly up in LESS THEN ONE YEAR.
Think long and hard before you junk a perfectly good real life for this LIE.
JMNSHO
Free
Edited 3/16/2005 7:50 pm ET ET by mefreenow
Alice
One last question after your husbands EA did you get any help to repair "YOU" not just the marriage, the reason I ask is because of the number of people I have met who have gone on to have an affair of there own after being cheated on themselves, it seems the common denominator is that they never took care of there own damage and lets not kid ourselves when that happens to you there is damage that can really derail the B/S.
Free
He knows about my feeling lonely in the marriage. I've been pretty open with him.
alice,
what future are u talking about, i guess if u like pain then u should continue on with the A
if u realy think u and him are destined to be with each other, why dont u ask him to D his W and u D your H, this is the only way u can be together
my 2 cents,
max