not sure if I am ok anymore
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:49pm |
I have calmed down since last week when I felt like I wanted to just hurt xMM and tell everyone the truth.............
Since I am filing in the next few months for a D - I pretty much figured that "the circle of friends" have been friends for 20 years.........I am just the wife of one on them for the past 8....all other girlfriends or wives/boyfriends or H's that have "left" one of the circle...have done just that LEFT - never to be heard or seen again - ummmmmmmm that would also be my fate.
But - I did not say anything.
xMM of course came over yesterday to get my H for the football game - I was trying like hell to get out of the house by 11:30am - but he came a bit early.
I heard him in the living room, so I finished brushing my teeth, and grabbed my purse and walked to the front door..........said bye everyone and have fun.
I bolted.
I did not look at his face -
I go through these phases where I feel so completly used. And I feel stupid for caring for him so much - believing that he cared for me - believing what he said when he told me how he wants me but cant.........not understanding the "long look last week" and the abrubt stopping of the calls.
I am left thinking that I was this huge crush, fantasy of his for 8 years.......and then he had me with him for almost 4 months - I did not live up his fantasy? his guilt - I think that was an excuse -
If he was a really friend to my H (and likewise me too!)we would have not had the A - we had talked and planned it for 2 weeks....before making the decision to go ahead. We talked about the lying that may insue, the dishonesty, the betrayal..
He knew that my H and I were "friends" and that we were planing to file early next year and put our house on the market in the spring........
All that he showed me was not real was it....
because I cant believe that it just stops - the caring just goes away for them in a day - a week - a month???? Does it seem that they stopped caring because they never really did?
I think that I wont be ok because:
not only did our "love affair end" but he has taken his friendship away from me.
the way he had ensued NC in our situation showed me that he does not care enough about me as a person or as an old friend

I am sorry for your pain. Unfortunately this happens in many A's, you lose the friendship. Since you will be getting a D in the near future, probably time to expand your horizons, make new friends, get into new activities. Affairs are very destructive to all involved.
Good luck to you......
AnnaK-
I wish I had a magic potion (I would use it myself) to help us to stop asking questions. I go through a similar thing w/ my xOM. How could they just stop caring? My X told me I was the only girl he ever said "I love you" too, and the only person he ever imagined spending the rest of his life with. Before me, he didn't believe in love & marriage - I changed all that for him...so how did he just let go of that? I don't know. Sometimes I think he didn't and he's just putting up a front - when he keeps NC, I tell myself it's his way of dealing with the pain and the emotions. When he calls me at 2am and says he just wants sex, I tell myself that's not what he really wants - he just misses me and wants to be with me and is using sex as an excuse (if you read my post from last week, you'll know the last time we were together, my H called and xOM freaked out - why would he have done that if it WAS just sex and he didn't still have feelings for me?).
Anyway, I understand how hard it is not to ask the questions, and not to know. For me, I have to believe that they did care, and this is just their way of coping. We cry, they shut us out. It sucks, but that's my opinion!
Diva