Not sure what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2010
Not sure what to think
13
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 2:33am

I just ended an EA/PA with a former coworker who I've been friends with for almost 9 years. Luckily it was only one "month of craziness" as we put it. We met at work, became instant friends, worked closely together and traveled quite a bit, strong attraction, but never acted on it. After we both left our jobs 6 years ago, we kept in touch. He's married 17 years, 2 kids; I'm married 14 years, 2 kids the same age. He moved down south 5 years ago, but kept ties here so would visit on occasion. We'd email, meet for the occasional drink or coffee, but nothing more.

Early this year, his messages to me turned more flirty, and we got together for coffee in September. In October, I finally confessed my feelings to him via text, and that's when the craziness began. Talk about a fog - it was constant texting, phone calls into the late hours. He flew up here right after my birthday, and that's when the EA turned physical. The chemistry was unbelievably intense. We'd say how we missed our chance, how well we fit, how comfortable we were with each other. Our marriages weren't giving us what we needed so we turned to each other, although we never said we would leave our spouses. He told me he loved me, which opened up a whole emotional intensity that was overwhelming. There was a lot of push/pull from him, so it would be great at times, and then he'd pull back or say we shouldn't be in contact for a while. NC never lasted more than a few hours. During the whole time, we said that our friendship was the most important thing, that no matter what happens, we needed to preserve that.

We met up again before Thanksgiving, and spent 2 days and 2 nights together - very intense, very romantic. I knew that it wasn't working though, and he was very distant when he left. Later I got multiple texts telling me that he had no intention of leaving his wife, that I should work through my marriage issues, and that we would talk after Thanksgiving. By this time, I had discovered these boards, and started to recognize what was going on with me, him, and the destructive nature of the affair. I spent several painful days before the holiday missing him but knowing what I had to do. He sent me a quick message on FB on Thanksgiving morning, and after chatting on FB,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 7:12am

Just,

Welcome to EAS. There are many kind and wonderful people here who will help you through this painful ending process.

First I want to say what a shame it is to throw away 9 years of friendship for one month of "craziness." If you have been reading, then you know that you cannot remain friends. it just doesn't work that way. If he was your frend then you wouldn't mind sharing your conversations with your H, right? There would be nothing to hide, right? Nothing to feel guilty about, right?

It is plainly obvious that he has no respect for you and your wish to end the affair. If he did, he would have quit contacting you after you said it was over. Instead, he is only thinking of himself and the ego strokes you provided him. If he RESPECTED you and your "friendship" he would leave you alone. He is only thinking of himself and his gratification. Sure he made it clear that he isn't leaving his wife and that you should work on your issues, but that's because he wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. It is hard to hear this and it is hard to understand it, but with time and a little more reading, you will come to see this is clear as the light of day.

Please stick around here. Others will be along shortly with their take and advice on your situation. I am very proud of you for seeing

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2010
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 7:36am
Always - thank you for your kind words. When we ended the affair, we decided to keep in touch as friends. H knows him, knows we keep in touch, but of course knows nothing of what happened over the last few weeks. When xAP contacted me Sunday, H knew, but I couldn't share the conversation. Losing a long time friendship really hurts the most, and I knew that's what I was risking when I revealed my feelings. So stupid. Maybe someday the friendship will recover; I just don't see how right now.

It's true, I did stroke his ego, and he definitely stroked mine. I now see it for what it is. I do miss the connection and wish I'd never stepped over that line. I lost way too much. Luckily I didn't lose my marriage too. I'm hoping I can stay strong with NC.

Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 7:39am

Justdt,

I am glad that you found us and by now I think you get the jest of what an A is all about. Giving up the attention and feel goods is very difficult to do, but there is no other way to end an A but by going cold turkey, blocking and walking, and then healing from the wounds we inflicted upon ourselves.

I threw away a ten year friendship so I know how you are feeling. There is no way to stay friends after having an A with someone. Read Shirley Glass's

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 10:00am
  • iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-17-2010
    Tue, 11-30-2010 - 10:16am

    Hi Justdt,

    Welcome to this wonderful supportive board.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-23-2010
    Tue, 11-30-2010 - 11:24am

    Hey Justd!

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-18-2008
    Tue, 11-30-2010 - 11:54am

    Welcome to EAS,

    Congratulations on making the discussion to end your A and go NC. You have received some great welcoming advice.

    The board encourages accountability, introspection and moving forward in healthy ways.

    Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-18-2008
    Tue, 11-30-2010 - 11:56am

    oppsss beta testing again...cyber glitch...duplicate post

    Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-20-2009
    Tue, 11-30-2010 - 12:29pm

    JustTD-

    Welcome to EAS.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-21-2009
    Tue, 11-30-2010 - 1:05pm

    I worked with and was friends with xAp for 7 years before we started our 7 year A.

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