Not telling H/W....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Not telling H/W....
18
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:13pm

In my fierce quest for more info on why I got myself into such a pickle I have been reading old posts...

I read (from cl-noregrets) this:

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Not to mention that for some it is rather difficult to explain why they are on an "ending my affair board" while not having disclosed to their spouse that they strayed in the first place...

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Someone - pls tell me that I don't have to reveal my A to my H to heal my M. I can't do this or I might as well move to the "getting a D" board right now. I did read somewhere that you really should - but that seems like it would be an unrecoverable event.

Actually no matter what advice I get I can't tell H (esp since I own a business with xMM - it's not like H will feel better because I can just switch jobs and never see him again).

I guess my question is: How much will *not telling* H impact healing the M?

Thanks, WIP

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:27pm

Hey there, WIP. JMHO you've got to come clean about everything before you can rebuild the marriage, otherwise, you don't have any foundation. I'm not sure how you could go on honestly trying to heal the marriage without your H knowing what's going on. That being said, is it possible for you tell him about the indescretion without naming names?

And is it possible for you and XMM to actually continue owning a business together without continuing the A? It sounds like a rather touchy situation for all involved. Me, I'm not sure I could show up for work each day if it meant having to see my XMM...

I think we all feel that it will sound the death knell for our marriage if the A is discovered, and you may get some support for not confiding the A to your H. It's just my opinion that a marriage requires brutal honesty, regardless of the consequences to oneself. I'm not sure I could live with myself otherwise. Love, Mo

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:30pm

WIP -

I think there are several different oppinons on this topic. However, although what the previous poster stated seems logical, I have also read on the boards, and from my own research of this topic on the net, that telling a BS who has no knowledge of the A is considered selfish. I have read that the whole "cleansing of the soul" and revealing the truth about the A to your spouse is only so that you (in the universal sense, I don't mean you personally) can feel better about yourself. Instead, you are releaved that you have come clean, while they are left with in pain.

My husband is aware of a EM that I had with a friend. Although it was physical as well, I don't think it is important to reveal that information to him. He has been hurt enough just knowing the fact that I have become attached to another man emotionally. Men can be strange. They will dwell on the physical aspect. In some of our cases, the most important and addictive part of our As were the emotional connections we thought we had and that we thought were so deep. I feel that the emotional part was way more dangerous to my M rather than the sex. I feel that if my husband knew about the physical aspect of my A, he would completely overlook the fact that my A started as purley emotional, and that is where the disconnect is in our M. Not that that's an excuse for the A, but it was one the reasons I was vulnerable to it.

I guess all situations are different, You need to listen to your heart. I think a lot of it has to do with whether or not your spouse is aware of, or has suspected an A. Does your H have any clue about your A? Mine did. That is why I confessed to the EA. He questioned me and I told him it was emotional. That was satisfactory enough for him. He may suspect it was physical, but I don't think he actually wants to know that part about the A, that's why I beleive he hasn't pressed the issue. In fact, he really doesn't even want to know anything about the A. I seem to want to talk about it more than he does. It's theraputic for me. I guess that's what they mean about it being selfish to disclose. I think bringing up the A makes him sick and just reminds him of our hurt.

So to sum up...In my situation, it was best not to disclose the physical part of the A. He has no proof. He does not ask, therefore I don't tell. He is ready to rebuild, however I am not there just yet. I am in IC and working on myself first. He has the option to stick it out with me or leave. I'm glad he has chosen to stay thus far! I know in my heart it will work.

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:57pm

Wip

I am of the firm believe that you need to heal yourself from the issues that allowed you to have an affair in the first place and also the damage done you you by being involved in one, if both spouses get healthy emotinally then the marriage will do better even with out telling.

The idea of continuing to own a join business with XMM is a totaly different issue and I think not a good idea at all, having him in your life will do more to hinder rebuilding your marriage then not confessing.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 8:22am

Hi WIP,

I have read every post in this thread so far. Even though I am now single, when I was married my H did have an A. At the time of the A he did not tell me, it only came out after we seperated a few years later. I remember feeling relieved that he hadn't told me, as that would have only added undue stress on an already strained M.

I'm not sure that it would have really done our M any good. As far as I see it, whats done is done and cannot be changed. I agree with Free that you must be 2 healthy people to have a healthy M. Is there any point telling him? I suppose I would if he suspected, but if not I would work on getting over your xMM and refocussing on your H and kids.

Hope this helps

Liz :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:59am
Hey WIP,
I think this is something you have to decide for yourself. It is important for you to do some soul searching and find out the reasons why you had the affair. I did tell my H about the a even though I did not tell him the whole story or all the details. My H has told me many, many times that he wishes I had never told him. I too felt like we could not have a healthy m when there was a huge lie in it. However, in my case, I think I was wrong. You have to decide what is right for your situation. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:39am

All, thank for responding (although I would love to hear from others on this topic too)...

I am only now realizing what a completely unworkable situation I have created for myself - and why it probably went on for so long.

This A wasn't a "quick" one year A where I can admit it to H and work on rebuilding without contact with xMM. If I was going to tell H, I can't see how it would *not* come out who the AP was. I could make it up as someone I met on a trip but I think that would defeat the purpose of being honest. Part of the history is that my father had just died around the same time it started and H was never around.

I'm in a different place and so is our M now - except the A has been dragging on. I just can't see H not figuring out that it's been going on for 9 years (!) (with a 3 year break) and still forgive me. You can forgive a short slip-up, but 9 years doesn't sound like a slip-up - it makes the M seem like a sham (which ironically it really isn't - our marriage could be so much stronger, I've just been the fool).

Although I'll put this as a low, low priority - I also don't trust my H to keep it to himself. I can easily picture him telling xMM's W about it which would pull xMM into this whole mess... he has kids... and wow, then the business really would go belly-up (both our families depend on this income). It's not that I still care what xMM thinks (xMM would be angry but I don't really care about that)... it's that I don't want to break apart his family and our business which I need for income.

I can't see how I can get out of working with xMM (I tried once very hard which started the 3 year break of the A). The type of business xMM and I have is not easy to sell but is worth quite a huge sum. A single portion is even less easy to sell. I could stop "working" (and keep ownership) but the business would soon be worth nothing. We started the A when we started the business so long ago.

I am truly moving on emotionally which puts me in a different place than I even have been. I stopped this 3 years ago but was not "over him" at the time and I now realize how little I understood. I am over him now. The idea of being with him (while I do sometimes still miss him) isn't appealing. Just thinking about my M makes me want to work on it (I do love my H) and I don't really enjoy talking to xMM on the phone anymore.

I'm not quite where ARTIST is - but I can seeing her running up ahead in the distance. I do think (for the FIRST time) I can get through this. I had one bad day about 1-2 weeks ago where I cried for 3 hours straight... (sort of like ARTIST's day in the car)... after that I did feel better and have cried MUCH less.

I need to do more of what FREE said to heal myself emotionally and figure out (although I think I know) exactly why I did this. Now that I'm through the worst of the "ending" I can do this (before I was so miserable and there was so much fog I couldn't see).

Thanks, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:04pm

WIP:

I am in a similar situation (though yours is much more involved and lengthy). I had a brief A with a married co-worker and we continue to be friends. My H never found out about it and it was ended by us for various reasons. The attraction is still there, and I haven't gotten to the point where talking to him makes me sick.

However, I have not, nor do I EVER intend to tell my H about what happened. He has lived a life of rejection and betrayal and I have been the only person he can count on (very ironic, and extremely difficult for me to handle my guilt). To tell him would be devastating and while it would definitely break up our M and our family, I'm more concerned about what it would do to him. He would become someone that could no longer trust anyone and become a bitter person, I believe. He has a good heart and is a good, caring person (with faults, some of which contributed to my self-delusion and the A) and I don't want to see him change.

I don't think ANY good can come of his knowing and I will bear the burden and the responsibility to never allow the opportunity to arise for something like this again.

Just another opinion (albeit from a flawed, but decent person).

C-

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:49pm
I STRONGLY disagree with those who say "You must tell your spouse about the affair to heal".. that is ridiculous, and I know several therapists who would beg to differ with that stance. Turning to another person may mean there are issues at hand within the marriage OR within the individual. But there is nothing to gain from hurting another person DEEPLY. There is however the possibility of discussing the root causes of the affair, making them known and on the forefront, as you "rebuild your marriage".. I have not had to "REBUILD" my marriage. I have loved my husband the entire time, and never stopped feeling things for him. My EMA was about a past love that I had a hard time walking away from when we reconnected. Sure, not having EXMM in my life anymore makes my life easier, and lets me concentrate even more on my husband..but I had no "rebuilding" to do. I just think if you post here, and tell what you think makes things "HEALING" you have to consider that what is healing for one person, could be deadly for another person. If someone has an affair, ends it and realizes that they want to make their marriage their focus- one can do that without telling the spouse about the affair. Some things are better left unsaid and I see no positive in being brutally honest when it means another person will hurt and have stress for a long time to come.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:51pm

Latebloomer,
I liked what you wrote....
<<<>>>>

This is also something to take into consideration. I think that everything that happens to us in our lives, whether it be good or bad, shapes us into the person we are today. Before my A, my h was a trusting, kind, caring person. He treated me like the queen of the world. D-day was over 1 1/2 years ago, and now he is a different person. Granted it is not all the time, but he has a lot of rage, he is mean and says very mean things not only to me, but also to our children. I told him a long time ago that he has the right to be mean to me but not our children. They had nothing to do with this. If he had turned into this person on his own, I would have left him in a heartbeat. However, I have horrible guilt because I am the one who created this person. Not only by having an A, but by telling him about it. I am so unhappy, but I don't think I have the right to leave him because he is treating us badly when I am the one who made him this way.

It is just another thing to think about when waying the option to voluntarily tell or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 9:22am

Hey WIP – I am not so far out in front of you, really, really…. What I have tried to communicate is that in order to truly “End” my A - I have conscienciously chosen a new beginning. The release is in recognizing how totally TOXIC the relationship is to your well-being and admitting how WRONG of a decision you made when you chose to go down that path. When there is no longer any justification left in your mind that would allow you to continue with the self-destructive behaviour that is intrinsic to an affair relationship – you are ready to let go. I believe you have already reached this crossroad.

I continue to battle day by day but now I do so with a vision of honour and personal integrity. I hit many bumps – sometimes not more than an hour passes before I think of XMM. However, my thoughts mainly centre around trying to identify the weakness in me that has attracted him to me. I had a particularly painful setback last night when my H and I were making love - I experienced flashbacks of f***ing with (I no longer even want to label it as lovemaking) with my XMM. Subconsciously my body still yearns for XMM – together we indulged in the most intensely passionate, sexual experience of my life. I almost view these memories as my penance. With time I know the details will become less acute and fade back into the closet with the remains of previous lovers.

As I write this I had the urge to add “pre-marital”, previous lovers. While it is true that my XMM is the first man with whom I had extra-marital IC - I have also been plagued with being “hit-on”, kissed and groped inappropriately in a variety of settings particularly when excess alcohol was involved. It is almost like when I opened the door to my XMM I released a veritable Pandora’s box of boundary control issues. Anyway this is the territory that I want to explore with my Therapist and I will share any pertinent insights from time to time …..but Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeee remember I too am a work in progress.

ARTIST

OOPS - I just realized that I didn't respond to your original question. I am out of computer time for this AM but I definitely will come back and share my thoughts. Also, have a look at one of my earlier threads in the archives - "Must an A be revealled to rebuild an M" (or something like that) I received some excellent responses.

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