Not telling H/W....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Not telling H/W....
18
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:13pm

In my fierce quest for more info on why I got myself into such a pickle I have been reading old posts...

I read (from cl-noregrets) this:

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Not to mention that for some it is rather difficult to explain why they are on an "ending my affair board" while not having disclosed to their spouse that they strayed in the first place...

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Someone - pls tell me that I don't have to reveal my A to my H to heal my M. I can't do this or I might as well move to the "getting a D" board right now. I did read somewhere that you really should - but that seems like it would be an unrecoverable event.

Actually no matter what advice I get I can't tell H (esp since I own a business with xMM - it's not like H will feel better because I can just switch jobs and never see him again).

I guess my question is: How much will *not telling* H impact healing the M?

Thanks, WIP

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 10:13am

ARTIST -

Great post and it helped me a lot to get a "feel" for what it's like to be successfully letting it go - your detailed description of how you've basically arrived at letting it go when there is 'no justification left anymore' was particularly helpful.

I do think I am there - it was so toxic and such a wrong decision that I can't even allow myself to long for him without it all coming crashing in immediately now. Before I felt in limbo - now I feel like I'm on the other side of the fence.

You said you think of him sometimes hourly (hey, I'm still at the "minutes" stage but that's probably because for work he's on IM etc so I know there is activity that I can see and check on which is increasing the length of this process) - but trying to funnel it into identifying the weakness that caused it is of great help.

I realize now that I was playing with the idea of an A long before it happened (I loath to admit this). I could have written your paragraph about the inappropriate groping with alcohol present. I have always enjoyed the flirting side of it and didn't change my behavior after I got M. I think I was just waiting for the right man that could offer some of the emotional side too (in the first 6 years xMM did).

In fact, I can remember times when I enjoyed talking to a man all evening while on business at a show (although I would never do anything since I needed the emotional side to allow it to become an A and talking or dancing one night wasn't enough in my mind - but I enjoyed the attention). I could put it as being hit-on but if I'm honest with myself, in my case, I really egged it on. I would like to know what your T says about it. I have some deep unresolved issues with my father (no sexual abuse that I know of - but he was abusive in general and offered no positive feedback - he passed away within months of me starting the A).

I am working hard to be intimate with H. Without giving TMI, I can do it but I constantly have to re-focus my thoughts and don't really look forward to it. I'm distracted during the whole event by xMM and the last time I cried silently afterwards just due to the pointed confusion it caused. I'm hoping this will pass. During my 3 year break I got back to the point where it was somewhat okay again. I am working towards getting back and then surpassing that point emotionally.

Anyway, thanks for the insights... keep us posted, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:29pm

Well, I'm sorry to say that I, too, and with you and ARTIST in the alcohol/groping combo. It's like the alcohol coupled with the onset of the A opened the floodgates for immoral behavior for me.

ARTIST, I am interested in your idea that those thoughts of XMM during lovemaking with DH are like penance. Although I have happily reconciled my m and I adore my DH as much as ever, unfortunately this is the single area where our relationship truly suffers.

Not to glorify the A in any way, but my physical relationship with XMM was beyond belief, mostly because he was very emotional and spiritual about it. My DH, on the other hand, has unfortunately always viewed sex as more of a physical act. After the start of my A, he did begin seeing an IC and worked on this issue, among others, to the point where now he can look in my eyes and talk to me during sex. But it's just not the same as it was with XMM. It feels so forced, and I know my DH is uncomfortable doing it.

I've reconciled in my mind that my M isn't about the sex and I do have faith that eventually DH and I will get it right. But I can so clearly relate with both of you, about those unwanted, unasked for intrusive thoughts about the XMM when you're trying to heal your marriage. And WIP, I've found myself occasionally crying as well (I've got some abuse issues in my background and sex is a very challenging experience for me).

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 9:55pm

Hi WIP,

The previous thread in which I discussed whether or not to reveal my A to my Husband:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15816.1

I particularly valued the comments that I received from Noregretsever on this subject.

At this point in my process I have decided to not disclose my affair. In fact, I believe that my H already knows that I have been unfaithful (but I do not think he knows the identity of my FAP) and has chosen to deny rather than confront the evidence and risk losing our marriage because 1) we are overall very happy together and 2) he has experienced significant loss of self esteem due to lack of libido. Confessing that I have had a lover will not solve this problem. It will only make him feel more paralyzed and inadequate.

Living with the knowledge of my weakness and lack of integrity is yet another part of my penance for choosing to take the wrong path. As I get more adept at recognizing and articulating my needs I know that I will be better able to work together with my Husband to rebuild our marriage. As I move forward towards greater self discovery I hope that I can inspire him to also express his issues and reach out for more support. Who knows - maybe someday we will be able to confront each other in complete and total honesty or perhaps someday in the new marriage that we have forged - what happened in the past will no longer MATTER to either of us.

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:50pm

Hi WIP, just thought I would express my opinion too. No, I have no intention of telling my husband about the A. He doesn't want to know. I have already told him that I thought I was too emotionaly tied to other man (our friend) because I needed someone to talk to. He didn't ask if there was anything more because he is happy in his world and he didn't want to make any waves. I think this is something I am going to have to figure out on my own, how I got here in the first place.

I have been reading this post and I found it interesting what you and a couple others said about about the flirting and alchohol. I am planning on going out this weekend, I am tired of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I will go out with some friends to local bars or clubs to talk and dance. (My husband was out last weekend with some of our friends while I was babysitting). I too like flirting but never took it any further than that until XOM. All I ever did was talk and dance, no inappropriate kissing or groping or anything like that, but it was still flirting and I liked the attention. XOM and I had flirted and danced with each other for 15 years and never stepped over the line. I guess it was just the timeing. We were always good friends and wanted to help each other. I heard someone say once a long time ago that a man and a woman could not be close friends without sex being envolved. I thought that was a stupid remark, because OM and I were good friends and we weren't having sex or anything even close. We joked around and danced together but nothing more. How I wish I could go back to those days and have my friend back, I miss him.

I know now that this was mostly emotional on my part, I was missing something in my marriage. My husband jokes around alot with me and makes me laugh. That is what attracted me to him in the first place. He jokes around with everyone. He is very good to people and everyone likes him. I always told my friends that if I wanted romance, I could just read a book. He is very good to me and I keep telling myself every day that I have a good life and I should be happy. As for the sex, my husband would have sex every day if I was interested. I can't say that he ignores me because he is always trying. I am the one that is having trouble responding to him. I love him but I am not attracted to him that way. On the other hand, sex with my XOM was not really that great, but it was exciting. I loved the closeness, the way he looked at me and how he made me feel about myself. He said all of the right things. I can't believe I was that stupid. We never had sex that many times in all those years, we never planned it and I always thought it would be the last time. I guess that was my way of handling the guilt. We both just needed each other, he needed to be wanted and feel special and so did I. I wish he had never told me how much he loved me. I am having a hard time with that.

Ok, that's enough for now, just thought I would let you know I was still around, I will give you an update later. Hang in there, we have to be strong. I know we can do this!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 2:50pm
WIP-
My perpespictive on this is that I am the BS. I discovered my H's A and he admitted it, although he lied to me several times about things. These are my thoughts... I read on the marriage builders website and I KNOW that this is true, that discovering your spouse's infidelity is as traumatic as losing a child, a parent or being in a natural disaster. IT IS DEVASTING and changes your life forever! I really believe that I had to know that my H had cheated. In some ways it has made our marriage stonger, but there was a very real chance that it could have fallen apart. And it will never be the same. Some of the innocence is lost forever and I will never forget what happened.
That said, I think that if you have a gut feeling, and not just for selfish reasons, that you don't tell your H, then DON'T tell him. Trust me, he will be hurt beyond your comprehension! Try to think how you may feel, if you find out he had an A. If you want to make your marriage work, work on yourself and make a promise to yourself and your higher power that you will NEVER stray again.
And a side note on your comment about being intimate with H. My H and I go in cycles. Sex has been great for 2 or 3 years now. But before that there were a few years where it was just ok. I think it is normal to have fluctuations in a relationship. Working on it, can cetainly help. I think one thing that turned me around, was realizing that my H and I may never have sex again and boy all of a sudden I wanted it bad! LOL!
Anyway, I am fairly new to the boards and am not as eloquent or knowledgeable as some, but wanted to tell you how I felt. Good luck to you in being true to yourself and your marriage from this day forward!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 5:02pm

usamama,

You are very eloquent! I very much enjoyed reading your prespective on the whole situation (from a BS point of view). I do know the depth of the pain it would cause, esp with the length of the A.

Right now I'm going to give it a while without telling him anything about the A. I have committed to myself that I will work on my issues and recognize them for what they are. I was in a fog before and just didn't understand the full ramifications of what I was doing to me, H and our marriage. I can honestly say I see an A as a deadend now.

I appreciate you taking the time to write. Your H is a very lucky man to have you.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 5:22pm

depressed,

I was wondering how you've been doing.

I can sort of picture your life (as you've described it of course) and can really relate to how you are feeling. I'm guessing your overwhelming feeling right now is: "melancholy" (at least that's mine).

I am not crying actively any more. I am eating and have regained the 5 lbs I lost several weeks ago. I feel "down" a decent chunk of the time - although it is definitely mixed with acceptance (not much anger anymore).

I still think about xMM quite a bit (not in a happy way - more like 'darn, why won't that stop?' way. And I still feel a little bit of a void. I don't want to talk to xMM anymore (he's called and I don't call back unless I have to for work and then it's just business).

Hearing his voice doesn't make me happy - it's really a reminder of all the ugliness and pain. I'm sort of beyond the point of "wanting more" after I get off the phone. It instead has a feeling of hopelessness and frustration about it. I don't really care all that much what he's thinking anymore either. I feel like our relationship is in the "hospice stage."

I feel badly for your situation because I do think that you both cared for each other as friends (more than most A's and certainly more than mine). I think it will be hard for a long time (esp with him in your town). I have a feeling it's hard for him but he's also really trying to give it 'a go' with this new woman and what you're doing is right - letting him.

As for sex, yes, my H asks almost every day so it's not lack of attention. We need to work on that area and, well, it's time we do.

Hang in there - and post if you feel down, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 8:28am

I totally agree. I feel that not only do you risk divorce, but getting the affair thrown up in your face every time you get into an argument with your H. If you need to unload, talk to a therapist.

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