Not wanting to destroy the good memories
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:26pm |
Obviously I haven't been able to walk away from my MM yet, the last few weeks since my deadline past and he still wasn't able to tell him wife and leave have been back and forth with me. One day I'm telling him that I can't do this anymore, and then the next I'm telling him that I don't want to live without him. He told me that he wants to do right by me and if that means not seeing me until he can be with me forever then thats what he will do. I think we both know that an end must come before we can be together, but neither one of us has been able to even tackle NC for even a single day. What I'm afraid of is that with what we are doing right now it seems like we're both trying to wean ourselves away from the other trying to avoid getting really really hurt. But I'm scared to death that by the time we get to the point of being able to comfortably let go we'll have destroyed all of the memories of the great times that we shared together in the last two years with just a few weeks of not being ourselves with each other. I'm lost here and I know if I'm going to make a move it had better be very soon to prevent that from happening, but how do I get through each day without him?

How is he ever going to know he can't live without you, if he never has to experience that? Walk away. If there's something real there and he can find the courage and cojones to face up to his life and make it better, then he's worthy of you, worthy of your life.
If he can't, is that really a man who you want to depend on? I wouldn't.
All that said -- how do you live a day without him? You do it -- you LIVE. You make your life what you want it to be. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a clingy, needy person whose whole existence and happiness depends entirely on me. I want to be with a healthy happy person with a full and rewarding life without me and yet chooses me to make it complete. Wouldn't you prefer that too?
Make your life what you want it to be -- with or without this guy. Get busy. Do all the things you ever wanted to do, were afraid to do, get out there and live. Go to school, start working out, go for that promotion at work, take dancing lessons, run a marathon. I don't know, whatever YOUR dreams are.
Good luck. You can do this. I did it a year ago and never looked back (after about a year of false starts - what a wasted year). My life has never been better. The guilt and shame are gone. It's a good thing as poor ole Martha would say.
Answering your last question:
One day at a time.
Otherwise you continue to live in limbo-land.
Living a lie.
Surrounded by pain and denial.
How do I know this?
I lived it for 17 years.
Pure hell.
Leave now and don't settle for anything except 100% availability of your partner.
You're worth 100%.
Now demand it.
and leave...........
E-mail me if you want to chat or talk.
~Love
end your A with “no bad memories” then you should walk away now. It is VERY easy to
destroy any thought of keeping things civil. I am the expert of making ultimatums,
deadlines, and breaking NC. It took a long time but when the time comes you will be able
to do it. It does hurt but living a lie hurts worse. Being an OW hurts worse. Just walk
away and don’t look back. I promise if you keep going back for more it will turn into
something very ugly. There are good people here with good advice, read, and listen and
post when you feel weak.
Good luck to you
Sunandrain
Today I saw his car in the parking lot filled with household items. I was devastated.
Just when I think I have moved on, I'll see him or have a dream about him, or hear his voice and I'm back at square one. However, I have really been trying to put my efforts into other things, mostly work. It does get easier. It's really a matter of breaking habits; in the beginning I thought I'd go out of my mind, missing our lunches, office talks, etc. But now it's been so long, that part is pretty much in the back of my mind. He also told me at one point that the contract to stay away from me was not between him and his wife (though that also existed) but between him and God. That's a tough one to be up against.
I do allow myself to think of the incredible times we had; but I do continue to avoid him, partly because I hate him, mostly because I love him. I agree that you can never stop loving a person you're truly in love with; but you can stop the actions you're doing.
It will get easier; you probably won't want it to, but it must and it will. Prayer really helps, honestly.
And time is the great healer. Sometimes I think I won't make it through the next five minutes, but you know what, I always do. Hard to avoid emailing him, I still do once or twice a week, always about work things (I do really avoid contacting when I can) or sometimes about him, like is he okay. Sounds stupid as I write that, I must sound so desparate. Anyway, he always answers me nicely but briefly.
Yeah, it stinks but then, the whole thing does doesn't it.
Think of how much worse things could be, he could be dead or moved away, you could be pregnant, etc. That's how I do it, grateful that she didn't kill him.