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| Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:45am |
I could use a hug from the community.
About two weeks ago I ended my A with a MM (I am also M to a wonderful H). We work together, so the gist of the current situation is LC at work, NC outside of work. Yesterday I was feeling weak and lonely and broke NC (I emailed him, and totally regretted it afterward, because he didn't respond how I wanted him to). We had been "together" for around a year. It was one of the best years of my life. I was and am deeply in love with him.
Sometimes I remember exactly why I decided to end it; sometimes I can't remember for the life of me. The straw that broke the camel's back was two Wednesdays ago, when I told him I loved him for the first time, and he didn't respond. In fact, he acted upset, and then for the next week did not say a single word about it, pretended like it didn't happen. Then, when I initiated NC, he decides to tell me "I feel the same way." Whatever. I believe that he loves me, he's just terrified to admit it to himself, because he's been preaching the "but we're FRIENDS!" thing for months. The more serious things became, the more we were "FRIENDS." BS.
I feel totally cold to everyone and everything. I am beyond tears. I have completely cut my husband off (and on Valentine's Day no less; he sent me a sweet eCard this morning and i couldn't even bring myself to send him one in return...felt like i was faking). Nothing sounds good to eat. No activity sounds fun to do. Nothing but lying in bed, passing in and out of sleep and depressed thoughts. I used to look forward to weekends; not anymore. Means two whole days of not seeing MM, even though when I do see him at work, we don't speak, or I feel sad and devastated most of the time. Still, seeing him that way is better than not seeing him.
I have been coming to EAS for support for a few weeks now. I tried reading the "Litany of Offenses," and couldn't relate to any of it. Even though MM has his faults--he's emotionally non-communicative, we don't share TOO many common interests, and of course the "friends" thing--all in all he is a wonderful person that I could see myself being with, even though neither of us ever had any intention of leaving our spouses. He is funny, incredibly smart, good looking (to me anyway, though unconventionally), good at his job, well-respected, a great father, always emailed to check up on me and see what I was doing. He showered me with cute, meaningful gifts for my birthday. This all makes me feel terrible and conflicted...like ending a perfectly good relationship for no reason. Except clearly, there are reasons.
When I initiated NC, he kept saying, "I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much, I never intended to. I just don't want you to hate me." How could he think I "hate" him, after I've told him that I love him?? I can't stand the thought that when he thinks of me, he actually thinks I "hate" him. I want to tell him that's wrong, and that's the opposite, that I love him, which breaks my heart, because I can't be with him.
I can't stand the feeling that he is spending a romantic day with his wife. I wish my H would just leave the house for the day and I could stay here alone, wallowing. Or I wish I could take a long weekend and go on vacation with myself to sort out my thoughts, but that isn't an option.
Not sure what I should do to make these feelings go away. Last weekend I was fine; i barely thought about him once, for some reason. This weekend is TORTURE. I feel like my spirit is broken, like my spark was extinguished. Does anybody have any words of wisdom??

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Well Silverdoe,
It appears that you are going for a rollercoaster ride; the ups and downs of your emotions.
Energy, thanks for your response. In regard to this:
"You must realize that men and women have affairs for different reasons. Women usually get very emotionally into them and men usually don't. This probably explains the unreturned love declarations."
I can't believe this is true in my case, or maybe I just don't WANT to believe that it's true. Our A was strictly emotional for 75% of the time. We have never had IC. We only had "encounters" once every 3-4 weeks. The rest of the time was spent talking around the clock. We were very open with each other about how emotionally involved we were. But when it came to actually using the L word, MM just couldn't say it. And that's fine. It's for the best, really. I knew I was taking a gamble when I said it. I guess I didn't completely expect he would return it...it just stung more than I expected it to when he didn't. You can't get mad at someone for not returning it, can you? It was an eye-opener, I suppose.
At first, I really thought I could stay emotionally detached. I truly did believe we were "just friends," until everything hit me like a ton of bricks, and I realized that what I felt for him was in fact love. I guess I was fighting biology; humans want to give and receive love fully...it's not natural to be caught in a state of secretive half-love with another person, is it? Could it ever be fulfilling?
I have not read any of the articles at PsychologyToday, but I am going to go check them out. I believe I need to seek therapy...I've been wanting to for years and just haven't. Now seems like a pretty good time to start.
((HUGS)) Silverdoe!
I can so relate to how you are feeling. My xEAP is my co worker too but he is single. We never had anything beyond an emotional connection and I don't think he lied when he said he loved me. I was the one who never used the L word. But now that he distanced himself - I can't move on. The pain is almost unbearable. He keeps saying we are 'Friends' too - but I don't feel any friendship. It almost feels his behavior is hostile to me. Probably because it is not what it used to be.
I totally understand the part where you feel LC is better than NC. I have been doing that for the past one month. But now I realise that however little the contact is, it builds on the expectations and leads to a heart break. I blocked him from the personal IM account last friday and already I want to remove that block so that he can contact me.
I hope one day soon, we can make any sense of our situation.
Silverdoe,
I just wanted to welcome you to our community and send you a ((Hug)). I am on my way out the door to have lunch with a close friend and would like to suggest you read our Healing Library. It is filled with "Wisdom and Insights" and there are even two threads called this. Read them all the way through. They will help you to better understand what an A really is, and how so many women got caught up in them. Many have since left this board because their lives are back on tract.
It sounds more like you had an EA , but they are just as damaging as a PA I had both with my boss for almost 5 years, and I still work with him. We both knew it had to end for obvious reasons, and it was a very difficult time in my life. Be sure to read the thread called "How to maintain LC at the workplace." The tips in it DO work but you have to apply them.
I'll write more later, but for now, please try your hardest not to shut your wonderful H out over something you have done wrong. He does not deserve this.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Edited 2/14/2010 3:27 pm ET by cl-iddy2009
~Iddy~
Hi, silver~
I am something like 2 1/2 months nc with my xap (mostly ea/ex-bf)...early on, we exchanged I love you's but he backed off and eventually we stopped saying it.
The more serious things became, the more we were "FRIENDS."
This is what happened when mine get scared (although he never said let's be friends)...reality set in for him so there was not as much contact and he had cooled considerably, and this happened relatively quickly after it started-I saw it but chose not to acknowledge it- heart vs head. I eventually broke his nc because his going nc without a goodbye was tearing me up. He explained that the guilt got to him and he didn't want to string me along. It took me a VERY long rollercoaster ride to get to acceptance, but here I am.
Like you, we were both m/kids and had no intentions of leaving our lives. When
Alice:
I understand how you feel that your relationship w/xap was different.
Hey SD,
((HUGS!))
I can relate in a few ways. Namely, that I also had more of an EA than a PA with xMM (I'm S), he was the first one to say 'I love you' and I followed shortly after. I'm also a bit odd here in that I don't work with him or know him through any sort of established social circle/neighborhood etc. The way we met was completely random, and had I not made a rather fundamental change to myself/my life, we would not have met at all. We did start off as friends, though it fairly quickly became an EA (and then a PA shortly before the ending). I suppose that the 'randomness' of it and the fact that I'm not in close/established proximity does help in the sense that there is a very slim chance I'd ever run into him where I am...however, the 'total randomness' of it, of course, does ramp-up those 'the one' type feelings, which doesn't help. And of course, the logical part of me understands that 'he is not mine to have' and that kind of negates him being 'the one'. Emotionally though, well that's a little more difficult to un-feel (at least right now) as many can attest to, I'm sure. That does seem to be the battle - the logic vs. emotion! I know that battle rages on in me anyway ;) But, when it comes down to it, and has been said a number of times here, 'in the end' it doesn't matter whether there was love or not because it 'wasn't enough' (which isn't a surprise, really. Or, it shouldn't be once some of the fog lifts). And, what we have to focus on is ourselves and our healing. I'm working really hard to do that, and today of all days - yes, as much as I hate commercialized holidays, it is a bit more difficult. Did I/do I love(d) him? I feel that yes, I did/do. Was it wrong, was the whole thing wrong? Yes. Will wallowing in those emotions and 'wants' help me any? No. Does my (or his, possibly) love change the outcome? No. The only thing I can control is me, my progress and moving forward as best I can.
I empathize in that, at the beginning (which is where I am, not even a week NC), it hurts really bad. It's really, really hard. Some moments are better than others. Sometimes I see the light and know that I'll eventually get there, and other times I feel like it's only darkness. But this place, this board really helps and I hope you'll stick around! I've read through the 'wisdom and insights' thread at least four times, front to back. It's really, really helpful. Some of it is a light that helps to burn away the fog, some of it is harsh and it needs to be, and even more is comforting - it helps to not feel so alone. I guess what I'm trying to say (and being my usual wordy self!) is 'welcome' and ((hugs))! I think we've all gone through the sense of feeling a bit crushed from the loss, I know I have. But keep reading (gah! I spend so much time reading here! :p) and see that others have gone through it and in time you will too, so will I. I think the hardest part I have is projecting too much, looking towards 'the future' too much. Want to get to indifference and stop all of this pain and wondering. But, I try and slow down from that. Take it moment by moment, that seems to work the best for me anyway. Keeps me 'grounded' and helps me focus on how I'm feeling 'right now' and what I can do 'right now'.
((hugs))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
silverdoe~
I wanted to just let you know that I know what you are feeling, and yes...the pain is indescribable. But you are so doing the right thing by 'ending' this A, as A's are one of the most destructive things possible, in so many ways.
You're post caught my eye immediately when I read the words "wonderful Husband". I, too, have a wonderful Husband, and I did the worst possible thing imaginable to him after 16 years of marriage - a marriage that was pretty good! I had a year long A with a work colleague, which was both E and P. I slowly detached from my DH and two beautiful teenagers, until I was so deeply in the A fog - constantly thinking about when I would see him next/talk to him/get a text from him etc etc. It was madness, and now I'm looking back on it, it was a nightmare. But the only way I've been able to get to this point (after four weeks NC) is to get 'out of the fog' to understand what it all really meant.
A's are based on a fantasy world, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. It's about 'getting a fix' whenever you can, the excitement, the anticipation, the feeling that they are your one true love that you've never found before. But it's all a lie my friend, as hard as it is to believe that now. If you really believe that you can do this, then you will. You seem to know already that you need to end this thing, so that's a great start. And the fact that you've been following this board is even better.
silverdoe your H deserves much more than this - give up this fantasy that you've been holding onto and reconnect and make the most of this very special person in your life - the person who REALLY loves you and takes care of you. I don't know whether this will help at all, but I am slowly reconnecting with my H and I am so thankful I ended the A when I did. Cos if I hadn't have I believe I would've lost him. Yes, my H and I are tackling this together as I had a dday and decided to come completely clean with my H about the whole A. Yes ALL of it. He knows pretty much everything, as I don't want any secrets between us again, ever. And he's decided that he loves me so much that he wants to work through this with the opportunity to have an even better marriage than before. And I've come to realise, as I've 'defogged' from all the mud, that THAT is true love. It's honest, open, transparent and IT'S REAL. It's not based on lies, deceit and fantasy.
You can do this silverdoe, you know it's the only way forward to a future life lived with integrity, honesty and dignity. And no more pain...
You're in my thoughts xx
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