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| Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:45am |
I could use a hug from the community.
About two weeks ago I ended my A with a MM (I am also M to a wonderful H). We work together, so the gist of the current situation is LC at work, NC outside of work. Yesterday I was feeling weak and lonely and broke NC (I emailed him, and totally regretted it afterward, because he didn't respond how I wanted him to). We had been "together" for around a year. It was one of the best years of my life. I was and am deeply in love with him.
Sometimes I remember exactly why I decided to end it; sometimes I can't remember for the life of me. The straw that broke the camel's back was two Wednesdays ago, when I told him I loved him for the first time, and he didn't respond. In fact, he acted upset, and then for the next week did not say a single word about it, pretended like it didn't happen. Then, when I initiated NC, he decides to tell me "I feel the same way." Whatever. I believe that he loves me, he's just terrified to admit it to himself, because he's been preaching the "but we're FRIENDS!" thing for months. The more serious things became, the more we were "FRIENDS." BS.
I feel totally cold to everyone and everything. I am beyond tears. I have completely cut my husband off (and on Valentine's Day no less; he sent me a sweet eCard this morning and i couldn't even bring myself to send him one in return...felt like i was faking). Nothing sounds good to eat. No activity sounds fun to do. Nothing but lying in bed, passing in and out of sleep and depressed thoughts. I used to look forward to weekends; not anymore. Means two whole days of not seeing MM, even though when I do see him at work, we don't speak, or I feel sad and devastated most of the time. Still, seeing him that way is better than not seeing him.
I have been coming to EAS for support for a few weeks now. I tried reading the "Litany of Offenses," and couldn't relate to any of it. Even though MM has his faults--he's emotionally non-communicative, we don't share TOO many common interests, and of course the "friends" thing--all in all he is a wonderful person that I could see myself being with, even though neither of us ever had any intention of leaving our spouses. He is funny, incredibly smart, good looking (to me anyway, though unconventionally), good at his job, well-respected, a great father, always emailed to check up on me and see what I was doing. He showered me with cute, meaningful gifts for my birthday. This all makes me feel terrible and conflicted...like ending a perfectly good relationship for no reason. Except clearly, there are reasons.
When I initiated NC, he kept saying, "I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much, I never intended to. I just don't want you to hate me." How could he think I "hate" him, after I've told him that I love him?? I can't stand the thought that when he thinks of me, he actually thinks I "hate" him. I want to tell him that's wrong, and that's the opposite, that I love him, which breaks my heart, because I can't be with him.
I can't stand the feeling that he is spending a romantic day with his wife. I wish my H would just leave the house for the day and I could stay here alone, wallowing. Or I wish I could take a long weekend and go on vacation with myself to sort out my thoughts, but that isn't an option.
Not sure what I should do to make these feelings go away. Last weekend I was fine; i barely thought about him once, for some reason. This weekend is TORTURE. I feel like my spirit is broken, like my spark was extinguished. Does anybody have any words of wisdom??

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Also, what do you think about these two quotes:
1.
Energy, how do you get the fancy colors in your posts!? Aah!
"Also, what do you think about these two quotes:
1. A man will move mountains to be with the woman he loves.
2. Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option."
RE: Question 1. First, I think a man can love two women, and a woman can love two men, albeit in different ways. Since we are both M, and both of us were very upfront that leaving our spouses was never going to happen, I don't fault MM for not "moving mountains" to be with me. He was with me in the only way he was able to be with me, and it was the same for me. I knew he could only give me so much, and that tortured both of us. He wanted to be able to give me more, and I wanted to be able to give him more. We couldn't.
RE: Question 2. I totally agree, and that is one of the reasons I have decided to end the A. It's sobering to hear and to consider, but it's a good lesson to learn. Even though we were both extremely limited in what we could give, I do think I put more energy into the relationship; I am only two years into my marriage and have no children; he has been married much longer (college sweetheart) and has a very young child. I will admit that I probably would have continued to rearrange my life even more to allot MM more space in it. I was/am addicted to the feeling he gives me. Everybody, maybe married people in particular, need to feel every once in a while that they're still viable and desirable to people other than their spouse. I'm 100% guilty of that.
I have to add my 2 cents.
Energy you wrote, "We often get into affairs so that we can feel better about ourselves."
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
It's like you say, Ilostagain, once you end it, they all of a sudden start showering you with attention. But it's all a game. It does NOT mean they love you all of a sudden. Guess what my xAP all of a sudden started to say:
"I love you so much"
"There is no one else in this world I'd rather be with" (sexually)
"You are mine and I am yours" (huh?!?!?)
"I mi-i-i-i-isss you"
"I will never throw you away again"
All a big bunch of crap. Blah blah blah
Hi Skattwo,
I always ask odd questions to H too. One time I even asked:
"do you also act cold after cumming? " Of course I knew he didn't,
but xAP always acted cold. For three days!
H replied ,with a surprised look on his face: "No of course not? Why would I?"
hugs
HTGO
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
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