Nothing is working :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Nothing is working :(
25
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:45am

I could use a hug from the community.

About two weeks ago I ended my A with a MM (I am also M to a wonderful H). We work together, so the gist of the current situation is LC at work, NC outside of work. Yesterday I was feeling weak and lonely and broke NC (I emailed him, and totally regretted it afterward, because he didn't respond how I wanted him to). We had been "together" for around a year. It was one of the best years of my life. I was and am deeply in love with him.

Sometimes I remember exactly why I decided to end it; sometimes I can't remember for the life of me. The straw that broke the camel's back was two Wednesdays ago, when I told him I loved him for the first time, and he didn't respond. In fact, he acted upset, and then for the next week did not say a single word about it, pretended like it didn't happen. Then, when I initiated NC, he decides to tell me "I feel the same way." Whatever. I believe that he loves me, he's just terrified to admit it to himself, because he's been preaching the "but we're FRIENDS!" thing for months. The more serious things became, the more we were "FRIENDS." BS.

I feel totally cold to everyone and everything. I am beyond tears. I have completely cut my husband off (and on Valentine's Day no less; he sent me a sweet eCard this morning and i couldn't even bring myself to send him one in return...felt like i was faking). Nothing sounds good to eat. No activity sounds fun to do. Nothing but lying in bed, passing in and out of sleep and depressed thoughts. I used to look forward to weekends; not anymore. Means two whole days of not seeing MM, even though when I do see him at work, we don't speak, or I feel sad and devastated most of the time. Still, seeing him that way is better than not seeing him.

I have been coming to EAS for support for a few weeks now. I tried reading the "Litany of Offenses," and couldn't relate to any of it. Even though MM has his faults--he's emotionally non-communicative, we don't share TOO many common interests, and of course the "friends" thing--all in all he is a wonderful person that I could see myself being with, even though neither of us ever had any intention of leaving our spouses. He is funny, incredibly smart, good looking (to me anyway, though unconventionally), good at his job, well-respected, a great father, always emailed to check up on me and see what I was doing. He showered me with cute, meaningful gifts for my birthday. This all makes me feel terrible and conflicted...like ending a perfectly good relationship for no reason. Except clearly, there are reasons.

When I initiated NC, he kept saying, "I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much, I never intended to. I just don't want you to hate me." How could he think I "hate" him, after I've told him that I love him?? I can't stand the thought that when he thinks of me, he actually thinks I "hate" him. I want to tell him that's wrong, and that's the opposite, that I love him, which breaks my heart, because I can't be with him.

I can't stand the feeling that he is spending a romantic day with his wife. I wish my H would just leave the house for the day and I could stay here alone, wallowing. Or I wish I could take a long weekend and go on vacation with myself to sort out my thoughts, but that isn't an option.

Not sure what I should do to make these feelings go away. Last weekend I was fine; i barely thought about him once, for some reason. This weekend is TORTURE. I feel like my spirit is broken, like my spark was extinguished. Does anybody have any words of wisdom??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:25pm

Thanks Skatt,

I didn't mean to appear envious; I wanted to say how lucky you women are and to cherish it. I would give anything to have a marriage, even if it had bad days and things weren't perfect, but to know that he loved me and would be there for me.

I am having a tough week. I admit, I was doing so well for two months but this last week its eating up at me. I feel so unloved and uncherished and I keep replaying D-Day in my head. And the week after D-Day, on christmas when she gave him a wii. How she took him back so easily! Friends & family tell me that its all an act between them two, and that she is stuck in a bad marriage but like me, is lying to herself and pretending things are fine. I feel sorry for her, I really do because I do know its an act. He was calling me for a month after D-Day (I ignored ALL his calls) while he was supposedly working on his marriage. She had no idea he was calling. She thought he was committed to their marriage, but he wasn't! How could he while he was still calling me? Then after me ignoring his calls, he got mad and threatened me on myspace and she contacted me wanting to know what was going on... I told her about him calling me, and that I will get a restraining order if he doesn't stop. I begged her to keep him away from me. After that, he has not attempted to contact me, thank god! But its like why is she being so dumb and not giving him hell??? I shouldn't care but I can't believe he's getting away so easily.

2010 Pictures, Images and Photos


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:35pm
Wow-Silverdoe-I could have written your original post. Are you sure we are not seeing the same man?? Haha-he always thinks I "hate" him too. The other day, I told him that I feel alot of things for him and trust me, hate is not one of them. I have never come out and said "I love you" but I am sure if I did, he would react the same way yours did. I have been MIA from this site for awhile, and it is not because I have gotten my act together. It is because I have been feeling unrelenting guilt for not being strong. I feel exactly as you do. Every word in your post mirrors my feelings. Everything down to "wonderful husband" to "no activity sounds fun." The only time activities sound fun is when he is involved with them! Sad, I know. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I decided to read tonight and your post was the first one I saw and related to tonight. I had a nice Valentine's weekend with my H but I can't say I had no contact with my EA partner, because I did. Just a few texts..no big deal. Sometimes, I want to just run away too. I look forward to my business trips where I need to be gone for one night. I use those nights to reflect and clear my head. Stay strong. We are all in this together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2010
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:38pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:42pm

Yes, I do feel stronger but lonely. It's a difficult mixture to explain. I do pity her and I wish she see's it herself. I suppose that is what is bugging me the most that all the evidence I gave her, and all the evidence she's had for years is not opening her eyes. And for her to call him a 'wonderful husband' makes me sick. He's not wonderful, doesn't deserve that title.

Eventually it will get better for us all, I hope. I will never make the same mistake again, that's for sure.

2010 Pictures, Images and Photos


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 6:45pm
deleted


Edited 3/11/2010 6:24 pm ET by hazelrose2009

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