Now, are affairs really a 'fantasy'...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Now, are affairs really a 'fantasy'...
7
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 3:17pm

I read Iddy's response to a poster and she wrote, "Affairs are not about love, honey, not at all. They are about two people using one another to get their sexual and emotional needs met. When they are not using one another, they are caught up in their RL which includes family, spouses, vacations, hanging out with the relatives and close family friends, etc. You are only a tiny piece of his real existence, yet you are allowing yourself to see this as so much more. It isn't."


I just want to say that if you are married and having an affair, then yes the affair is a fantasy.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 4:50pm

It's not necessarily solely a matter of escaping anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 11:48pm

Oh, Lost, Honey... brace up; here it comes.

"But for us gals that are single, this affair was much like a real relationship to me. It wasn't some fantasy I used to escape my boring life...what life do I need to escape other than the affair!?"

Single Girl having an affair with a Ghost... hello, your 'relationship' is a fantasy. If you are involved with a 'partner' who is NOT a real partner, who is NOT yours, not building a future with you and treating you like a side-dish -- uh, FANTASY from hell. And what life do you need to escape? I don't know, but if you dig reeeeeaaaal deep I bet you'll know. I'll bet you'll start asking yourself what is going on in your life that you'd settle for an A instead of pursuing a healthy, stable, fulfilling relationship with an equal partner. If you're not compensating for something that is missing in your life by chasing an unhealthy alternative, then perhaps you're.... running away.... from something -- like, I don't know... issues of abandonment? Daddy issues? Fear of Failure. There are myriad reasons, none of them excuses, though. You said that a single girl's A is very much "real and authentic" to her -- man, that single girl better look up the definition of 'real' and 'authentic', imho.

I think we all get into affairs to fill needs that we have - emotional and physical -- and such, irrespective of our marital status. You are out of your A now, thank goodness, but the issues that got you into that A will remain until they are brought out into the light and examined. We are determined to repeat the same mistakes over and over, unless we learn from our past and move on.

I hear your voice, though... the voice that resents being told that her A relationship was a big, fat, fakey piece of shi*e. I, married woman, didn't want to believe that, either. I fought it tooth and nail. I didn't want to admit I'd been just that stupid, duped, naive, lost. I wanted to believe I was special and that my A and my xAP were special. I didn't want to be "like them" (meaning all you guys on EAS!! hahaha) Boy, howdy. Reality sets in and it sucks just as much as it was liberating. Now, I'm just so thankful for clarity. Holding onto a lie takes way too much energy and generates too much stress and pain. The truth stings, but at least it heals.

Okie dokie, my arm hurts from cyber-beating you so... now, kisses and hugs!
xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 12:46am

Iddy’s words were tailored to a particular poster. It was not an all inclusive statement and she could have included other issues in RL that people feel they need to escape from.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 7:44am

ILost,

<>

I don't recall this being a motto around here, Lost. Yes, it is said in reference to what *all* affairs boil down to when the mud and sludge subside, but I never used the actual word, "fantasy."

<>

Perhaps to you it was, but as E1 constructively pointed out, it does not apply to all single gals. You're painting with a very broad brush, my dear.

<>

At least you see your A now as something you need to escape from. Too bad most of us didn't see that this pseudo relationship was indeed a fantasy built in the mind, and not on solid ground.

E1 and Dee offered up some excellent points re how affairs are nothing more than supposition and wishful thinking, a/k/a fantasies.

Keep digging and learning. It's all part of the process. ;-)

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 9:22am
I am so glad that you decided to end your A. While you may not see that what you had with your XMM is not real, believe me, when a man finds you and treats you with dignity, respect and shows the world that you are the one he loves you will realize that what you had with XMM was a joke. I too was single when I had an A with a MM. I could have written a romance novel while involved in my A. My glasses were so rose colored that I could have written a novel that would put Danielle Steel to shame. The very fact that we chose to have an A with a man who was M shows that we were in a very bad place. We sought out an illicit relationship where we were willing to hide out, lie and cheat just to have a few drops of someone else's H. I don't know if you have ever been in a real relationship with a man who makes you a part of all of his life but if you had comparing having an A with a MM to a real relationship is not feasible. The very fact that we (both you and I) would be single and wrap our lives around someone whom we really don't even know fully shows that we both had a serious character flaw. I couldn't see that while in my A but now that I am M to a man who honors me and treats me great I know that any single woman who is willing to settle for being a MM side dish needs to do some serious soul searching to determine why she doesn't think she deserves a man of her own. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 9:36am

Dear Why,
You words about the single woman in an A made me all sympathetic and weepy. My xAP had an A before me with a SW and, towards the end of the A and even more so now, I am so angry with him and so sympathetic towards her. For two years after their A ended, and it probably is still going on, she texted and called him telling him how heartbroken she was and how much she missed him. During out A, I was angry with her and thought so many bad things about her. When I finally came out of my fog, I began to see how amazingly horrid it was of him to use her the way he did. She was falling 'in love' and he was using her like a tool. He dumped her when he got bored with her and she was devastated. The whole situation makes my skin crawl.

I'm so happy you have now a real and loving partner. God Bless you both.

xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 10:59am

Not good at the tough love, but my reaction was the same as the other ladies here.