Now what

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Now what
6
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:13pm
OK,

H is acting the same and I went to a neighbor's book party and didn't talk to H but for about 10 minutes tonight. Not to say that is a bad thing, however the entire neighborhood is having matarial problems right now of various degrees, but you know what is odd, they all thought H and I were the "perfect" couple. WRONG. They all thought H and I were the ones that had it together, we are one of the older couples (late 30's) in the neighborhood and they never thought that we had any problems. Well in the last few days they have seen different, so I know that it isn't just me seeing H acting different, everyone is asking what is wrong with him.

Now they are even more suspicious because all of their H's called to see when they were coming home and H never called, not before he left for work or after. They all see it as strange and I just tried to blow it off to all of them.

I won't lie I had a few drinks, my first instinct is to call OM. I have this overwhelming need for him right now, shouldn't it be to call H??? But I have deleted OM from my cell phone, which is a good thing. I have to be strong and I am just crying right now, left wondering why???

Why have a done this to H? Why have I done this to OM? What am I going to do in the future? OK enough of this I am going to bed, not that it will do much good. Thank god I have one more week before I start IC because it is times like this that I feel like I am insane. THanks for letting me vent.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:27pm
HI Daffy

Stop worring about what other people think, your marriage is not there problem.

As I suggested to a couple of folks around here recently ,STOP DRINKING until you have real handle on this or your going to screw up big time and you may not recover from one more screw up.

Your desire to call XOM is more then likely more of your past way of doing things ESCAPEISM , but is is an illusion it offers no escape it is like drinking salt water when your lost on the ocean seems like a good idea but it drives you in sane then kills you.

With the help of a good IC and some TIME you will learn to look to your husband as a reflex first action.

PATIENCE always PATIENCE

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:42am
Thanks Free, I knew someone would set me straight, I feel much better this morning.

Patience has never been an easy thing for me, but I will try harder.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:53am
Hi Daf,

Have you considered talking to your H and asking why the indifference? Is he not the one that wanted to work on the marriage?

Its a suggestion because his actions sound like he is having second thoughts. You need to talk to him before things get worse. Remember that communicaton between the two of you right now is very important....

Good Luck. lET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:06pm
I have thought about talking to H about what is going on but he has shut himself off from me. So for now I have to wait until he decides to open back up. He is actually off of work the next 2 nights, so maybe that will give us a chance to talk, unless he decides to work OT again. Yes he has choosen to work on our M as long as it is truly what I want and the condition of never talking to OM again, which I do and I haven't. I do realize that especially now communication is the key but I can't force him to open up and talk, but I will try to prod a little and see what happens.

We are actually getting ready to go away on the 10th, just the 2 of us for our anniversary, so maybe that added pressure of it just being the 2 of us for an entire week alone, no kids is adding to what he is thinking. I do know that in one way I am dreading this trip and in another I know that this trip will either make or break our M.

Thanks for the encouragement, I need all the help I can get to stay on a straight course.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:07pm
Big {{{{HUG}}}} for you Daf. Been following along here and see you are in good hands. :)

Remember I said the first thing I did before I even tried this was to quit drinking entirely? I just knew that I could not maintain NC if I didn't.

My M too is topsy turvey, so I find my mind easily turns to OM. Then I do a reality check as I don't see a happily ever after scenario there either.

OM made me feel amazing. But that is not real life, and the *high* is only heightened by the secrecy and risks one takes to see them on an irregular basis.

Compare that with the every day, totally unromantic, routine of our M's, coupled with problems and stresses that are inevitable, well it's no wonder one is tempted.

I guess we all need to redefine LOVE here, don't you think? And be patient when the man who has proven his love by staying with us despite the fact that we are not perfect, has to work out his stuff.

Ya know I hear so many folks talk about getting into this cause they said their lives/M's were boring and I remember something my dad used to say. He said, if you are bored, you are boring. You'd think we'd realize things weren't a party for our H either.

And that reminds me of all the posts talking about how selfish we are when we get into these situations.

Ah well. Hang in there.

*hugs*

Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:33pm
DITTO

Daf, remember that your husband is dealing with some very hard emotions, he is in some serous pain here so he is going to have his ups and downs two, times he is readt to talk and times the best he can do is get out of bed each day.

Just take it one day at a time and roll with the punchs as best you can for now, know what you endure now can lead to a better future for you both.

Free