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| Sat, 12-18-2004 - 9:35pm |
So...I've started to ignore text messages from my xmm. I feel bad about it because I know that we want to remain friends and make things like they were before the A. I'm sure that he doesn't know what to think about it. I told him that there would be days that I wouldn't want to talk to him but I didn't believe it until today. He TM'd me and I ignored it...he TM'd again and I said that "it was not a good day in my head today." (yes...I feel crazy for saying this)
If I would have talked to him...I know that I would have told him how scared I am about my future now...about just "ending up" with some guy. That I already hate this guy...whoever he is. He would have felt bad...I would have felt bad. Instead...I poured myself into my work and actually got a lot accomplished. I didn't hear from him after my only comment to him today. I'm kinda wondering if I'll ever hear from him again- I know that I will...but I'm not contacting him. I'm not gonna sit around and wait until he can respond to a TM or VM. I've decided that I'll let him call me...and if I feel like talking that day...I will. I honestly can't do the total NC thing...it would make things too weird at work. I'm trying to find the balance...where I don't feel crazy. The future that I am/was so obsessed with is starting to fade away in my mind. But I still find my self grieving for what could have been...whatever that was. God...I make no sense sometimes.
Don't bash me too hard for not having the strength that most of you seem to have as far as NC goes.

I'm fairly new here so I won't be bashing you. The NC is so hard. I think I've gone about a week and half. I don't like it one bit. On the other hand if I do contact om I feel bad afterwards and stupid for doing it. What is the point really. The whole A thing is not good for any of us long term. Short term, yes, it is great!!!!!!!!!But long term can you imagine yourself really being happy with your OM and not being insecure at times, wondering if he is with someone else? Could you honestly trust him? I heard once if they will do it with you they will do it to you. What if you 2 did get together, then what-spouses would be at war-children would be lost/hurt etc..........I keep those thoughts in my mind when I want to contact my om. As I write all that, I wish I could see my om right now. Crazy isn't it. I'm mad, looney, whatever........
Good luck to you
Blue
HI Crissy
You are doing really well.. you are ignoring his texts. Thats a good step towards NC isnt it?
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This line from your post is also a great sign of you healing..keep it up crissy
I know too that somewhere down the line, probably after about 2 weeks of NC my xOM will try to contact me. It is his usual modus operandi.. thats the way he thinks and works. He waits for me to just coooool off and then comes with the i miss u dialogue..
This is what I keep telling myself..
1. If he texts me, I will not reply.
2. If he calls, I will not take the call.
3. If he calls from an unknown number and I answer the call without knowing it is him, I will either hang up or talk and tell him not to call again becaue this time it is really over. And then hang up..
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Sometimes I too feel I am not going to have the strength to go through with it sometimes. It is like I am going though some kind of withdrawal syndrome. But from what our friends here say, NC is the best way, and if you can do that, only then will you be able to break lose. We are all going through the mood swings, but try to ask yourself what is better for you in the long run. After the heartache, there will be better times ahead, that is if you really want the affair to end.
Be strong Crissy.. lets do this together all of us here who are trying to get our lives back on track
Take care
Trish
Crissy,
I went thru 2.9 years of NC with my xMW at work, and our office doors were--literally--20 feet apart. We did not speak to each other for 2.9 years, and when we HAD to attend a meeting, we sat away from each other's line of sight at the conference table, if you know what I mean.
We got back together after the 2.9, and tried it again. That lasted about 2 more years, and now we're on the outs again: I'm in T (Monday will mark 6 weeks of NC) and I'm hanging out here feeling my way thru this sh*t while drinking a pretty decent zin.
I've said this about 80 Xs in the past 5 weeks on this forum: I'm afraid of not getting over it--I caved after 2.9 yrs of NC. I'm concerned about my chances of getting thru/over it this time.
Hang in there, kid.
-LG
PS: What I'm saying is, don't be like me--don't slip back; it's worse the 2nd time.
Edited 12/19/2004 12:30 am ET ET by leviguy
Edited 12/19/2004 10:05 am ET ET by leviguy
Hi Crissy,
I haven't posted in a while, sometimes I post a LOT! But mainly the reason I haven't is because I feel guilty that I've had some contact with my xMM lately. I don't bash you, or blame you for needing it to make you feel sane sometimes. I don't have a problem not contacting him. I'm strong enough not to make the first move. It's when he contacts me that my position weakens. He's stopped by my house a couple times this week, and I had a letter I had every intention of giving him, a goodbye letter, but I haven't given it to him yet. Nothing happens when he stops by. I won't hug him or kiss him or anything. We just talk a little, and then he leaves. He always says, "I don't know why I stopped over" and I just say goodbye, or have a good day or take care. I've felt pretty good lately. His stopping doesn't really affect me much anymore. It would be different if he stopped by to tell me he left his wife, but I've lost faith in that. He keeps saying he feels like he let his "dream" go. I don't even respond to him anymore. It was his decision. Anyway, I know most on here are a firm believer in NC. I say you can only do what you know is right for you. Sometimes NC is best for me, and sometimes I think it's not. I say go with whatever will help you get over this. You know you better than anyone. Best of luck to you!!
Pal
Today is the first day that I did not talk to him at all...no text...no nothing. I know that he is waiting for me to contact him...just to let him know that I'm alright...but I can't do it. He TM'd me in the middle of the night- normally I would have woke up from the ring or I would have checked my phone AS SOON as I woke up. I didn't even notice it until later in the morning. He said that he was sorry and that he wished everything was different. Well...I do too. I can't even think sometimes. I hardly think anymore about the specifics that we were gonna have in the future...like the neighborhood we were gonna buy a house...or the boat we were gonna get. Now it's just an overall feeling of loss...and knowing that I'll never have that kind of love again. I mean...I never felt this way before about someone...and now that my heart has been ripped out...I don't see myself being very openhearted in the future. Whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...well I just don't agree with that right now. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
I do feel slightly better now that I'm not expecting him to call...and knowing that I won't call.
mine never even called to say he was sorry. I wasnt even worth 30 seconds. He never professed love for me..but we were friends prior (so i thought). I was extremely good to him. (listened to him for hours...acquiesed and slept with him once after 3 months). After the calls slowed down etc and some things didnt make sense...I called and left a vm saying "i guess you were just not that into me"..he called while i was leaving that one...and said he'd call me last weekend..he didnt. ...this week...I begged for a phone call "to just make me feel human"..didnt get it. I texted a final message that served me well " you'll never know how smart AND kind i really was especially w/what I found out on my own regarding you. I wish you mental health before you have kids. Please dont otherwise. goodbye friend."
why do people spend so much energy mindf*^cking someone when all they had to say is they wanted a lay (done that with ease with no emotion) but dont suck me into loving you for the "person" you were for so long...screw me and then drop it. I not only have to deal with not trusting my instincts (i had huge guards up) now i have to deal with thinking i am a horrible lay (hey he said he only had 20 minutes ...but ended up staying longer..i wouldve done things diff lol) and thinking that i am not a person who matters..the person who made him laugh..the person who was his "support" as he'd say...the person who solved his other problems ..who listened (not much about the wife mind you). i was set on JUST BEING HIS FRIEND. I miss my calls..got addicted to his morning calls and his after peek minute calls....i got addicted to having someone in my life for a change. Back to being alone and now scared about how well i got mindf(&ked when i was trying so hard to be the cool smart chick. I am numb too. I guess I am lucky it was only 4 months wasted. I am going to try to make this pain worth something good. The inequity of pain is reallllllllllllllly bugging me. Why do the bad guys win. I really thought god was giving me a gift...not giving him a laugh.
::::Hugs::
Sometimes I wish that mine would give me a reason to hate him...as yours seems to have done. I know what to do with "hate"...I do not know what to do with the desperation and hopelessness that I feel now.
I'm so sorry for the way yours went down. However it goes down though...it SUCKS. I know for a fact that you are worth way more than the 30 seconds you speak of. I know that I don't know you...but if you're here...then you've got to be a good person going through some s#*t....just like the rest of us. I was a cool smart chick too...and I'm trying to find that in me again. I guess that time will bring her back.
Good luck...there will be good/tolerable days ahead
Crissy