Numbing the pain !
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Numbing the pain !
| Sat, 04-16-2005 - 6:30pm |
Hey everyone - I hope someone is having a good day .
I managed to do 2 things today take a shower and go to Mc Donalds to BINGE !
It must be something about this time of day for me . I always think OM is going to call . I leave mt cell on 24/7 and have it with me at all times .
I have gained about 40 lbs in the last year ......I feel horrible ! I crank called his house today why do we do that ???
NNJ

NNJ,
I managed to do the same 2 thing today!! Showering was the impressive part, McDonalds...BAD! I know how you feel it's so tough. I made a conscious decision that I'm not going to call the OM at all and next week is his birthday so if I can make it past that I'm doing good :) Hang in there, it shall all get better eventually.
KH
KH-
Are you serious we both did the same exact thing . Maybe we even went to
the same McD . How long have you not had contact w/ om ? For me it is 28 dayz today !
OM- BDay was on 12/6 - I just texted him . My Bday was on 2/14 and NOTHING !
Where abouts on NJ do you live . I am in Passaic county . Maybe we are nieghbors.
H and I have NOT said one word to each other today . I hate my life right now !
Still hanging onto to OM with a little bit of hope ...As NUTZ as that sounds >>>>
NNJ
Big Hugs!! It's the PITS, isn't it?! I'm so out of it too. Know what you mean about the cell phone. My OM and I have ended it and yet, I still find myself half-hoping he will text or call. I know it's silly because I really don't want to go back in it. I guess it's just a process of breaking free of emotional habits that have had me bound for so long. I'm trying to let go of OM in my head. Just don't know how to do it in my heart.
I have to practically sit on my hands in order NOT to call him. The ONLY thing getting me through all this is knowing that he and I are doing the right thing. I feel so weak right now though. If he called right now, I KNOW I'd GO to him even knowing that any contact at all will send us both back to square one again. I'm on the verge of tears all the time.
Dh keeps asking me what's wrong and I tell him the stress of work. Work IS stressful but this relationship with OM feels like it has robbed me forever of a normal life after this. I know I will get through it. It's a question of how long will it take, and WHAT condition am I going to be in afterwards?
You say you're bingeing. Maybe that will be me weeks or months from now. Right now though, I can't eat at all. Food tastes like straw. I choke it down. God help us all...
Michele
Thank you for your heartfelt and sensible reply! You're exactly right. I haven't had a normal life for months. And I AM sick of the deceit, deception, and covering my tracks every step of the way. I was never like this. I've always believed honesty and integrity to be the most important trait about any person at all. I hate what I've done.
My marriage? I have a good, decent dh. He does not deserve any of this. He doesn't have a clue either because he trusts me so totally and completely. We've been married over twenty years and I've never been unfaithful. So what happened?
I like to think it was OM's effect on me, but that doesn't fly anymore. The problem was me. See, dh is a good guy. I always knew it. When we were dating, people told me to NOT let him get away! He was a salt-of-the-earth type of person. Hard worker. Turned out to be a wonderful father too. The only thing missing was that passionate connection. Since I had never felt it before, I figured it wasn't important. So all these years we've been more like brother/sister than husband/wife. That's been fine with me because I wasn't too interested in any of it anyway.
Enter OM into my life! All I can say is I never felt anything like it. PASSION, care, concern, PASSION, interest, conversation, PASSION... Well, you get the picture. Plus, OM came along at a time in my life when I was feeling really insecure. Getting older I was worrying about the signs of aging. Here then was OM telling me how beautiful, smart, and sexy I was! His words and attention touched a very vulnerable part of my mind. All these things combined in such a way as to make me feel like Cinderella! It's so embarrassing to admit all of this now. I always wanted to believe I was immune to things like that, but seriously I felt powerless over the new feelings - like a leaf being carried along in a rolling river. I DID have control of course, but I only CHOSE to believe I didn't. I wanted to think that this was FATE -- the most wonderful thing that could have happened in my life. OM treated me like a queen. Life which had been drab was now *technicolor* all the time! I was ALIVE. OM and I lived out a fantasy. We pretended we were single and dating. Just having a wonderful time. Could have continued to think that way too, except for that constant guilt. WHAT WE WERE DOING WAS WRONG! And we both knew it.
Back to my marriage. I can't put passion back IN because it's never been there in the first place. That's never been a part of our marriage, and dh is perfectly happy without it. Told me so. I am too! I have NO desire to have sex with him. I wish now I could turn back the clock, and would have left him alone so that he could have married someone who he maybe COULD have felt that passion with. It's too late for that though. I DO love him and don't ever want to hurt him. I hope he never finds out about this A. He doesn't know OM at all, so that helps.
I've been distracted a lot (of course) during this A, but dh is used to me being like that about other things. My parents have had lots of health problems which have fallen on my shoulders. He's used to me being a million miles away lost in thought about those other concerns. That has never sent up any red flags to him. Too, my A was carried out almost entirely during the hours when I would not have been with dh anyway. Dh saw very little difference as far as my time spent with HIM.
But yes, you're right. It WILL be a relief to get my spare TIME back to myself. OM has consumed SO much of that. Also the time that I should have spent with extended family and old friends who have always been there for me. Eventually, I'll be genuinely happy to NOT have to worry about the cell phone, and email, etc. It will be nice to have plans made by *me* instead of by OM that involved HIS expectations of me. I know all of this in my head. It's just all so hard enotionally right now.
Thanks again for your kind wishes! Big hugs back to you in return! I WILL get through this and hopefully someday, I'll be doing really well. I hope I will be able to reach out and help others the way that you are so generously doing! Thanks again so much...
Michele