Nutmeg -

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Nutmeg -
23
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 2:49pm
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Edited 2/10/2005 11:05 am ET ET by littlesoul2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: littlesoul2
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 4:29pm

My pleasure sweetpea! It is hard to feel so alone without anyone to talk to. My best friend does actually know about my affair (she knew about it before I even knew her- kind of funny) and she has been a great amount of support to me. It is very hard to get through something like this without anyone to talk to. To think I actually kept the whole thing to myself for over a year just amazes me.
I know how you feel in regards to being at home. I find myself pretty much checking out every chance I can get. I feel bad in the regards that I probably am doing to my H what yours is doing to you as far as not being home and going out w/ friends. It's hard to be everything to everyone and still have time to give back to yourself as well. It kind of puts clarity on why we have affairs in the first place. I always wonder if most of the people that are having or have had affairs actually have a very good network of friends or not. I have never had alot of close female friends until recently. And I know now that the empowerment I get from the time with my girlfriend is alot more than I ever got from my XOM. I often wonder if I had just had someone like her to really bond with and talk to would I have been so susceptible to the A in the first place? But even so like you said it's hard to really let anyone in on something as big as an affair! I don't know if I would have ever told her or not had she not heard about it elsewhere!
Girl, as far as the fear of making wrong decisions goes. I live with that fear every day of my life.I want so bad to have a little independence, yet I am scared to death to go for it. I see the good in my H, he is a great dad and we have been together for 10 yrs, so what do you do with that? That's a serious investment of time to just say "see ya! I want to be single now!" I know though that apparently I need to pull my head out of my rear and do something right. I can't just expect it to get better if I stay in denial or just don't go home and hope it will go away. It's funny I don't even really miss the A at all. But now I am just kind of stuck! What do I do now? It's hard to really look at myself in the mirror and see all that hurt and ugliness and confusion! Where do I go from here? Do I try to dive head first into fixing my M or what? Cause I really don't have that in me yet! I want it to work but I am still so mad at my H for so many things!

I hope your week starts to get better. Don't beat yourself up over any choices you have made or haven't made yet. It will all come to you in time.

~hugs and kisses
~meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: littlesoul2
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 6:09pm

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Edited 2/10/2005 11:06 am ET ET by littlesoul2




Edited 2/10/2005 11:06 am ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: littlesoul2
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 6:17pm

Hi Little & Nutmeg,

It's kind of funny - I was thinking about starting a new topic about guilt and then I cam across your post. The guilt is killing me too. How do you live with yourself. Since we cheated once, does that make us always cheaters? It is just awful. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and just can't believe what I did. Part of my guilt is that my DH is a wonderful person who did not deserve this. I did not seek out the affair, but when I met OM it was love at first sight (btw, I did not send the email!!!) I didn't even know his last name. I spent 6 weeks looking for him (he lives in the neighborhood) until finally I did bump into him. But I was the one who gave him my card. I was the one who initiated. What kind of person does that make me?

Anyway, my therapist says that we can not define ourselves by one event in our lives. Sure, we make mistakes, but the mistake is not the person who committed it. I was faithful for 13.5 years so that is what I should be focusing on. It is good advice, but hard to put into practice.

I am also with you on being afraid to make the wrong decision. How do I leave after 14 years? How do I hurt someone who is so close to me and who has been my rock? I have major sea changes everyday. One day I am confident that I want to work on my marriage (I have even been exploring some sexual techniques to teach my DH since that is part of my problem) but the next, I am thinking that I have no choice but to leave. That I want to experience life on my own. Are you guys experiencing any of this?

And for the record, I can NOT get OM out of my mind despite my best efforts! I have been using a meditation technique - whenever I start thinking about him or dreaming up scenarios I just say to myself "fantasy" and move on. It is so hard though - why do I think this guy is my soul mate? I know it is a silly infatuation, but I can't control it!

So I hope this helps you a little - sorry to ramble so much about my situation. It does sound like we are all in the same boat.

<>

Namaste.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: littlesoul2
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:09pm
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Edited 2/10/2005 11:07 am ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: littlesoul2
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 10:18am

Good morning Namaste,
I do feel like we are all sailing around together in this big crazy boat, and I am almost ready to just break all the freakin mirrors in my house so I don't have to keep looking at my shameful little self.
I can't get past that whole aching desire inside to "experience life on my own" I don't know how old you were when you started your relationship w/ your H, but I was only 18. Such a young, silly girl. And we had that "love conquers all" stifling kind of relationship. Me and him against the world. I was so insecure in who I was as a person and my fears of him leaving me that we basically suffocated ourselves in togetherness. Never to let the other out of sight! We both traded in our friends,and our seperate lives for our little warped love nest! And now 10 years later, we have basically almost sucked the life out of each other. My H wants me to be the same as I was at 18, him on a pedestal, worshipping the quicksand we walk together on. He can't quite grasp the notion that people change and evolve over time. It is hard though to look at such a long R and not just think about making it work, to actually consider moving on! I just feel like I cannot grow as a person unless I experience some independence. I am still being selfish! I swear, I am pretty content with my A being over, but like you said I am afraid that I could possibly do it again just out of my inability to face up to the reasons I am unsatisfied in my life. I have given so much to this man for so many years and there is just no spark, no passion nothing that I got from my A. That's why I think that it sticks in our minds so much. It's like our own little soap opera if you will "And these are the Days of Our lives" And of course we mainly focus on the sexiness of it, and all of the fun times (an hour here and there- isn't that sad!)And the craziest thing I have realized about my A is that I don't really know if I really wanted him at all, I think I wanted to BE him more than anything. O.k NOT physically, but just to be single, no cares in the world, SEXUAL, impulsive. Interesting theory! HMMMMMMMMMMM. As of late I have replaced my obsession with him with an obsession for self analysis! hee hee

Now I have to apologize for rambling but I love to talk and share, so thank you for reading and sharing as well!Hope you have a great day! I'd love to talk again!
~meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: littlesoul2
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 11:56am

Nutmeg,

OMG - I can't believe I have actually found someone else in a similar situation. I swear, what you wrote is exactly what I am going through.

DH and I met in college when we were 22 and were together for 6.5 years before we got married (lived together for 5!)I have all of those same feelings you do - feeling like I missed out on something. I too have that ache to be on my own - I have never even had my own apartment! I also have always had this sense that I "settled" and did everything the "easy way." DH took care of me, offered me stability. I was also insecure then and thought that I would never be able to meet anyone. I had only one other serious relationship before then and I was 17 and in high school. I gravitated towards his friends and his life style all the while forgetting my own dreams and ambitions. I was never really sexually attracted to him, but I figured that is less important then companionship (boy was I wrong.) I ended up sexually repressed and am now just discovering what a sexual person I am! (They say a woman hits her sexual peak in her 30s and men in their teens LOL) But, what if being out on our own is not all it's cracked up to be? You know the grass is only greener...this is my biggest fear, that I am going to leave and then wake-up and realize I made a huge mistake and ruined my life and hurt the person who has been closest to me in my life.

I also wanted to BE my OM - he was everything I could ever want in a man and he lived the life I wanted to - made millions in the dot com boom of the 90s. Lived in NYC then sold at the right time and just up and moved to Thailand for 2 years on a sabbatical. He owns his own business. He is spiritual, he meditates, does yoga and reads Buddhist philosophy (things I was always interested in but never pursued - now I am pursuing that path for myself)he doesn't like sports that much (I hate sports - except for the Red Sox - and DH is a fanatic)He has a huge library of books in his apartment that he has read - mostly philosophy. The only books DH has ever read were about the Yankees. And OM is incredibly sexy and sensual. He practiced tantra (Our relationship never went that far) but how wonderful would that be to experience? Oh, did I mention he is also a musician - keyboards and guitar. But as you said, all it was was a few stolen moments. I don't really know him or his faults. I know he has committment issues - he's 34 and still single and said that the longest relationship he has had has been 6 months. Who knows what else. I only had fun times with him. I just wish my heart would listen to my head, ya know?

I also feel like I have "outgrown" DH. I want to be an adult, he is still a kid in many ways. I asked him what his goals/dreams in life were, and half joking he said to play for the Yankees! He then said he didn't have any and just liked to live day by day in his comfortable little world. I want so much more - I want to travel, live in another city. I want culture in my life - I want to grow as a person and experience as much as possible (btw, that's how I justified the A - I said it will be a good life experience - life is too short - yaddah yaddah yaddah.)

Am I throwing myself a pity party or what? It just feels so good to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. I 'd love to hear more of your thoughts (I am at work and can't concentrate on anything anyway! lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: littlesoul2
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 1:16pm

Hey I have had the same situation as you all. I was with xH since I was 16 years old. Moved in with him at 17. Married at 19. Two babies by 21. We raised 4 children together. Very much us against the world. We were very poor. Both worked hard and raised our children and became financially successful. I left him for xMM last year and xMM backed out. Then I had to decide what to do. And there was a deep voice inside myself that said to me "get out, get out now while you can" And so I did. We got divorced and I was TERRIFIED because I had never lived alone and my whole world as I knew it for 24 years had changed. My family lived far away and every holiday I spent with xH's family. I lost all of that. They will not speak to me anymore. I lost my whole life.

But I have never missed xH, not one day. That is the scariest and weirdest thing. And I still love him very much as my closest family member, a brother, we raised each other, a great father, a good person. But for some reason I feel that our time is over. I am 42 and I feel like I got out just at the last chance before I am too old (before I lose my looks) to find love again. The more time that goes by, and now that I am over the intense grieving of xMM and I am in a new R, I do not regret the D.

Yes, I hurt xH, the kids, it was a hard, hard decision to make but somehow I think it will turn out great both for me and xH. I felt that if I couldn't give xH that deep passionate love where I would do anything to make our M work, that I should not give him half-measures or fourth measures. My heart wasn't in it. I didn't want to try. I wanted to try with xMM. But that is not to be either. So now I am trying to make my life the way I want it for me.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: littlesoul2
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 1:16pm
Ugh - I just went through all of the emails OM sent me. Why do I insist on torturing myself??? I KNOW he is not thinking about me 24/7, so why do I continue to? I am so pathetic!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: littlesoul2
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 2:02pm
survive,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It does help to know that sometimes the scariest, hardest decisions to make are the best ones to be made. It is so nice to hear someone tell me that they came out on top by taking that plunge to change the course of their life. I do feel that I truly do love my DH but sometimes that's just not enough. People change. Their dreams, ideas, hopes for the future and goals in life all split to different places over time. (I know you are supposed to chart these things out together and keep it together to make marriage work, but maybe that's just not the reality of the world anymore for everyone!)
Thank you so much for helping me to not feel as selfish as I usually do and beating myself up for my thoughts or hopes for myself!
~hugs and kisses and best of luck on your new R
~meg
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: littlesoul2
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 2:10pm

Survive,

I second what nutmeg said. It is nice to hear that you made it through without regrets! Part of what scares me is losing all of my friends and family. My family lives in the area, but I have very few of my own friends that live locally.

I have a question for you: Did your H know about xMM? Also, how did you take that first step of moving out? Was it easier because you thought xMM would be there for you? Would love to hear back from you!

Take care,

Namaste

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