namaste, You are not pathetic at all! But you do need to have a big old DELETE party! Read em all one last time and send them to the superinformation highway graveyard in the sky!!! He does sound like a fascinating man- you had me awestruck with the notion of the tantric sex.(so were you really dating Sting?)lol Do you have any children? I have a 3 yr old son. He is pretty much the glue that is holding DH and I together at this point! My H is such a great dad, but such a lousy H. I don't know what is worse anymore= Kids from divorce? or kids from unhappy marriages that stay together for the kids? We don't fight all the time but I think my son is still suffering from the tension between us and the fights we do have. I do feel so selfish for even thinking about leaving my husband. Like I really should want to make it work or something. Maybe it's just too soon from ending my A to really be pondering these huge decisions? It's like now that I don't have OM to obsess about daily, I have to really get back to the problems that I put on the backburner. I LOVE sex, but the thought of having sex with my DH makes me want to puke!!!! I just don't want to go home anymore! BOO_HOO!!! UGGHHHH! O.K does our pity party have cake? Because now I AM being pathetic, but damn some chocolate cake sounds good!! I'll bring the balloons too! ~nuttmeg
I know I should delete them, I just can't yet. I still have 2 VM messages on my phone that I can't bring myself to erase either. Luckily DH is cell phone phobic and has no idea how to use it.
I have no children, so that is one complication I do not have. We have 7 cats and a dog though!
I am a child of divorce. I was 7 when they split and I can honestly say that it did not really affect me. My dad wasn't super involved with me, but he wouldn't have been even if he was home. I think staying together for the kids in some situations can be worse. Especially if there is a lot of fighting or even enotional distance. Kids sense it and learn that that is what a relationship should be like. It can cause issues for them when they start engaging in relationships. You said your son is 3 - that is very young and children are so resiliant - I don't think you would be causing him any harm. Not that I am encouraging you to leave, JMHO.
Did you say chocolate cake? Chocolate cake is GOOD!! LOL
This has been an interesting thread, reading through the life events that brought us where we are today.
I also got into my relationship with my DH at an early age. I was 18 and came from a household that defined the word "dysfunctional". I felt like he was my saving grace. A friend of mine told me that I was using him to get out of a bad situation, but I still don't think that was the case. He was/is very dependable, trustworthy, and someone I enjoyed spending time with. In retrospect, I wasn't in love with him. I developed love for him for the wonderful man he was, but never had that "can't wait till the end of the day until I can see him again" attitude. That should have set off an alarm to me, but it didn't. All I saw was someone who loved and adored me and someone with whom I could have a stable life with. I was never a romantic kinda gal, so romantic love wasn't what I felt I needed.
Now here I am, recovering from a second A and evaluating everything that led me here.
Another important aspect to the question why I got myself into not one, but 2 A's in the past 5 years...was that there was a time when I was severely overweight. I lost all of it 6-7 years ago. My first A began about a year after I lost the weight. I was suddenly getting attention from men that I hadn't had in a very long time. I enjoyed the attention, but never let it get to my head, and still never thought that I was succeptible to an A. Then REAL opportunity presented itself, and I was overtaken with XMM#1's charming and persistant way in which he pursued me.
Cheating the first time was a very difficult line for me to cross. Heck, I even had trouble the first time he ask me to call him. A phone call to another man to me was cheating, and I dragged my feet until the temptation got the best of me and I called. A#1 lasted only 6 months.
A#2 last almost 3 years. And through all this, my DH is still a great man. He had no idea of either A, but DID know I had attraction towards both of these men. He trusted me. That was a hard thing to get over..he gave me all his trust, and I f'd up bad.
Here's something else interesting. When I was online all those hours, every night, for nearly 3 years with XMM#2, all I wanted was for DH to give me time alone so I could do my thing (i.e. chatting online). Now that it's over, I have all this time and DH has gotten used to going to his room and doing his thing (movies, video games, etc.).
So, I've been sitting alone alot thinking 'I guess I deserve this'. But am now using that time to read some self-help books on self-esteem and emotional health. I have alot of work to do.
I told xH about xMM after the first time we had IC. from that point I filed for D two and a half months later, and moved out three months after that. I never knew FOR SURE if xMM would really do it, he had been back and forth alot before that (after he told his W his attitude changed drastically.) But he had rented a place and bought furniture. We were both beaten to the ground at that time by our spouses and me by my xH's family, my children knew as well. I was barely functioning, so miserable, xMM was the same. It was such a low time, so hard to do. He backed out days after I moved and boy I can't believe that I survived it--but I did.
Yes my girl, we are having chocolate cake and ice-cream at nuttmegs pity party!
Funny my H is a cell phone phobic too! He is so helpless! You will delete them when you are good and ready, I have faith in you. Too bad you don't live nearby or I'd invite you out to Fridays for a Long Island and we could really dish!
I heard you say you didn't have alot of friends in your new area. That is very tough. I have 2 really close friends I confide in. One of them is moving away soon, and I am on the verge of devestation over that one. It is nice to have a shoulder to lean, cry, and blow snot all over if need be. She is like my own personal Dr. Phil. She has alot of the same issues as us, she has been with her H for 10 yrs, (since age 18 like me) and is just kind of stuck with not knowing who she is, or what her place on this crazy spinning orb is either. We talk about these things alot. I don't look at it as completely feeling sorry for ourselves, just trying to figure out OUR place in the whole scheme of things as humans. I know I am capable of doing so much, and being so much but I just can't seem to get the initiative or that push to just GO FOR IT!
I wanted to share this song with you that I used to listen to all the time by Sheryl Crow. (sorry to be corny)
Home I woke up this morning now I understand, what it means to live your life with just one man. Afraid of feeling nothing No bees or butterflies My head is full of voices And my house is full of lies
(chorus) This is home, home And this is my home, home This is home
I found you standing there when I was seventeen Now I'm thirty-two And I can't remember what I'd seen in you I made a promise Said it everyday Now I'm reading romance novels And I'm dreaming of yesterday (chorus) I'd like to see the Riviera And slow dance underneath the stars I'd like to watch the sun come up In a strangers arms (chorus) I'm going crazy A little everyday And everything I wanted Is now driving me away I woke this morning to the sound of breaking hearts Mine is full of questions And it's tearing yours apart
Hey baby girl! I've got a piece of cake with your name on it! Pull up a chair!
It's not that I don't want to have sex, I do. I have just kind of lost my desire for my H. I know it is probably just the aftermath of my A being over for real. It's funny during the A I gave my H the best sex ever, I overcompensated you could say. Now, I have been trying to avoid it. It doesn't help that we have been fighting with each other for the last 2 weeks.
I know you are really confused as to what to do, i think it will come to you in time. That little clarity light will pop on and you will just say "AHA" and come to terms with what is best. Maybe another piece of cake will help????
Don't beat yourself up sister! I'm sending you a huge hug today!
Wow, this thread is really moving. It's just such a relief to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. I have felt so alone for so long.
Well, I just got back from therapy. I go once a week these days. lol Everything is so clear when I am there. She just reflects what I tell her but she said today that she sees a lot of passion in me that I have suppressed all of these years. She helps me to see that a separation is not the end of the world. And probably the only way to really figure out how I feel. Boy, is that scary! ANyway, I know she is right. Seeing DH everyday just clouds my judgment. I feel so sorry for him - but no one like to be pitied, right? That certainly is not a reason to stay, ya think?
Hurtpup - You describes the relationship I have with DH. Good guy, more like a brother/friend. Love but not really "in love." Have you decided to work on the M? I can also relate to the discovering you are attractive to men! I had no self confidence when I was young. Men didn't usually notice me and I was so shy, I barely knew how to even approach a boy I thought was cute. Now, I am in the best shape of my life. I run 5 times a week and do yoga. Men now notice me - I have so much more confidence (I wish I knew when I was 22 what I know now lol!)it is so easy to strike up a conversation with a stranger - and so exhilarating. And talk about midlife crisis - I got a tattoo last summer - a lotus on the small of my back- and does that get noticed! Anyway, I hope this helps you a little - at least you know you are not alone. Lots of <> to you.
Meg - Oh I think we could definitely dish! I am in Albany NY, where are you? Cake and ice cream are really hitting the spot - especially with the glass of red wine I am indulging in.
I have meditation tonight - so hard to focus these days though. But it does give me a sense of calm afterwards that lasts for at least 15 minutes :)
Oh crap, sorry for multiple posts but I did want to respond to little and survive.
Survive - you give me hope. And you are probably a stronger person today for what you had to go through <>
Little - Me and DH have not been intimate since my father passed in November. I am currently sleeping in the guest room. I told him that I needed space and sex is never just sex (something the A taught me!) I do think he is starting to get resentful though. I try to think of him in that way, but I just can't anymore.
Oh - Meg - that song IS my life. Wow, I'll have to listen. :)
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You are not pathetic at all! But you do need to have a big old DELETE party! Read em all one last time and send them to the superinformation highway graveyard in the sky!!!
He does sound like a fascinating man- you had me awestruck with the notion of the tantric sex.(so were you really dating Sting?)lol
Do you have any children? I have a 3 yr old son. He is pretty much the glue that is holding DH and I together at this point! My H is such a great dad, but such a lousy H. I don't know what is worse anymore= Kids from divorce? or kids from unhappy marriages that stay together for the kids? We don't fight all the time but I think my son is still suffering from the tension between us and the fights we do have.
I do feel so selfish for even thinking about leaving my husband. Like I really should want to make it work or something. Maybe it's just too soon from ending my A to really be pondering these huge decisions?
It's like now that I don't have OM to obsess about daily, I have to really get back to the problems that I put on the backburner. I LOVE sex, but the thought of having sex with my DH makes me want to puke!!!! I just don't want to go home anymore! BOO_HOO!!!
UGGHHHH!
O.K does our pity party have cake?
Because now I AM being pathetic, but damn some chocolate cake sounds good!! I'll bring the balloons too!
~nuttmeg
I know I should delete them, I just can't yet. I still have 2 VM messages on my phone that I can't bring myself to erase either. Luckily DH is cell phone phobic and has no idea how to use it.
I have no children, so that is one complication I do not have. We have 7 cats and a dog though!
I am a child of divorce. I was 7 when they split and I can honestly say that it did not really affect me. My dad wasn't super involved with me, but he wouldn't have been even if he was home. I think staying together for the kids in some situations can be worse. Especially if there is a lot of fighting or even enotional distance. Kids sense it and learn that that is what a relationship should be like. It can cause issues for them when they start engaging in relationships. You said your son is 3 - that is very young and children are so resiliant - I don't think you would be causing him any harm. Not that I am encouraging you to leave, JMHO.
Did you say chocolate cake? Chocolate cake is GOOD!! LOL
This has been an interesting thread, reading through the life events that brought us where we are today.
I also got into my relationship with my DH at an early age. I was 18 and came from a household that defined the word "dysfunctional". I felt like he was my saving grace. A friend of mine told me that I was using him to get out of a bad situation, but I still don't think that was the case. He was/is very dependable, trustworthy, and someone I enjoyed spending time with. In retrospect, I wasn't in love with him. I developed love for him for the wonderful man he was, but never had that "can't wait till the end of the day until I can see him again" attitude. That should have set off an alarm to me, but it didn't. All I saw was someone who loved and adored me and someone with whom I could have a stable life with. I was never a romantic kinda gal, so romantic love wasn't what I felt I needed.
Now here I am, recovering from a second A and evaluating everything that led me here.
Another important aspect to the question why I got myself into not one, but 2 A's in the past 5 years...was that there was a time when I was severely overweight. I lost all of it 6-7 years ago. My first A began about a year after I lost the weight. I was suddenly getting attention from men that I hadn't had in a very long time. I enjoyed the attention, but never let it get to my head, and still never thought that I was succeptible to an A. Then REAL opportunity presented itself, and I was overtaken with XMM#1's charming and persistant way in which he pursued me.
Cheating the first time was a very difficult line for me to cross. Heck, I even had trouble the first time he ask me to call him. A phone call to another man to me was cheating, and I dragged my feet until the temptation got the best of me and I called. A#1 lasted only 6 months.
A#2 last almost 3 years. And through all this, my DH is still a great man. He had no idea of either A, but DID know I had attraction towards both of these men. He trusted me. That was a hard thing to get over..he gave me all his trust, and I f'd up bad.
Here's something else interesting. When I was online all those hours, every night, for nearly 3 years with XMM#2, all I wanted was for DH to give me time alone so I could do my thing (i.e. chatting online). Now that it's over, I have all this time and DH has gotten used to going to his room and doing his thing (movies, video games, etc.).
So, I've been sitting alone alot thinking 'I guess I deserve this'. But am now using that time to read some self-help books on self-esteem and emotional health. I have alot of work to do.
Dear Namaste:
I told xH about xMM after the first time we had IC. from that point I filed for D two and a half months later, and moved out three months after that. I never knew FOR SURE if xMM would really do it, he had been back and forth alot before that (after he told his W his attitude changed drastically.) But he had rented a place and bought furniture. We were both beaten to the ground at that time by our spouses and me by my xH's family, my children knew as well. I was barely functioning, so miserable, xMM was the same. It was such a low time, so hard to do. He backed out days after I moved and boy I can't believe that I survived it--but I did.
Survive
Yes my girl, we are having chocolate cake and ice-cream at nuttmegs pity party!
Funny my H is a cell phone phobic too! He is so helpless! You will delete them when you are good and ready, I have faith in you. Too bad you don't live nearby or I'd invite you out to Fridays for a Long Island and we could really dish!
I heard you say you didn't have alot of friends in your new area. That is very tough. I have 2 really close friends I confide in. One of them is moving away soon, and I am on the verge of devestation over that one. It is nice to have a shoulder to lean, cry, and blow snot all over if need be. She is like my own personal Dr. Phil. She has alot of the same issues as us, she has been with her H for 10 yrs, (since age 18 like me) and is just kind of stuck with not knowing who she is, or what her place on this crazy spinning orb is either. We talk about these things alot. I don't look at it as completely feeling sorry for ourselves, just trying to figure out OUR place in the whole scheme of things as humans. I know I am capable of doing so much, and being so much but I just can't seem to get the initiative or that push to just GO FOR IT!
I wanted to share this song with you that I used to listen to all the time by Sheryl Crow. (sorry to be corny)
Home
I woke up this morning
now I understand,
what it means to live your life
with just one man.
Afraid of feeling nothing
No bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices
And my house is full of lies
(chorus)
This is home, home
And this is my home, home
This is home
I found you standing there
when I was seventeen
Now I'm thirty-two
And I can't remember what I'd seen in you
I made a promise
Said it everyday
Now I'm reading romance novels
And I'm dreaming of yesterday
(chorus)
I'd like to see the Riviera
And slow dance underneath the stars
I'd like to watch the sun come up
In a strangers arms
(chorus)
I'm going crazy
A little everyday
And everything I wanted
Is now driving me away
I woke this morning
to the sound of breaking hearts
Mine is full of questions
And it's tearing yours apart
O.k now we have music at our party!!!!
~hugs
~meg
Edited 2/10/2005 11:08 am ET ET by littlesoul2
Hey baby girl! I've got a piece of cake with your name on it! Pull up a chair!
It's not that I don't want to have sex, I do. I have just kind of lost my desire for my H. I know it is probably just the aftermath of my A being over for real. It's funny during the A I gave my H the best sex ever, I overcompensated you could say. Now, I have been trying to avoid it. It doesn't help that we have been fighting with each other for the last 2 weeks.
I know you are really confused as to what to do, i think it will come to you in time. That little clarity light will pop on and you will just say "AHA" and come to terms with what is best.
Maybe another piece of cake will help????
Don't beat yourself up sister!
I'm sending you a huge hug today!
~meg
Hi y'all,
Wow, this thread is really moving. It's just such a relief to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. I have felt so alone for so long.
Well, I just got back from therapy. I go once a week these days. lol Everything is so clear when I am there. She just reflects what I tell her but she said today that she sees a lot of passion in me that I have suppressed all of these years. She helps me to see that a separation is not the end of the world. And probably the only way to really figure out how I feel. Boy, is that scary! ANyway, I know she is right. Seeing DH everyday just clouds my judgment. I feel so sorry for him - but no one like to be pitied, right? That certainly is not a reason to stay, ya think?
Hurtpup - You describes the relationship I have with DH. Good guy, more like a brother/friend. Love but not really "in love." Have you decided to work on the M? I can also relate to the discovering you are attractive to men! I had no self confidence when I was young. Men didn't usually notice me and I was so shy, I barely knew how to even approach a boy I thought was cute. Now, I am in the best shape of my life. I run 5 times a week and do yoga. Men now notice me - I have so much more confidence (I wish I knew when I was 22 what I know now lol!)it is so easy to strike up a conversation with a stranger - and so exhilarating. And talk about midlife crisis - I got a tattoo last summer - a lotus on the small of my back- and does that get noticed! Anyway, I hope this helps you a little - at least you know you are not alone. Lots of <> to you.
Meg - Oh I think we could definitely dish! I am in Albany NY, where are you? Cake and ice cream are really hitting the spot - especially with the glass of red wine I am indulging in.
I have meditation tonight - so hard to focus these days though. But it does give me a sense of calm afterwards that lasts for at least 15 minutes :)
Oh crap, sorry for multiple posts but I did want to respond to little and survive.
Survive - you give me hope. And you are probably a stronger person today for what you had to go through <>
Little - Me and DH have not been intimate since my father passed in November. I am currently sleeping in the guest room. I told him that I needed space and sex is never just sex (something the A taught me!) I do think he is starting to get resentful though. I try to think of him in that way, but I just can't anymore.
Oh - Meg - that song IS my life. Wow, I'll have to listen. :)
Edited 2/10/2005 11:08 am ET ET by littlesoul2
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