obsessing over him
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obsessing over him
| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:41pm |
This has been such a tough day for me. Last night I layed in bed for 2 hours with thoughts of what I could have/should have said and done. What I want to say to xOM. What I know I will never be able to say. This is tearing me up inside. I have had NC for 2 months, and i hadn't even heard from him at all until his little "hello" offline IM message the other day. How can 1 word have so much of an effect on someone. I really must be mentally unstable. I eventually found a xanax to fall asleep with last night to stop thinking about him.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.

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Edited 1/26/2005 4:28 pm ET ET by troubledat33
I think that I am pining over xMM because:
I have never been "left" before.
And not even that I was left - he was not mine....but I have always been the one to break up or leave....ever since I started dating.
So - This is my first "regection"
I am not handling it well all the time - I feel better, but then I get upset and bitter and back again.
I wont discredit my emotions for him - but I truley believe that he is not what I want in a mate. I stated before in an ealier post...I have no clue why I am so drawn to him.
I'd love to talk to you again if you want.
~nuttmeg
What a freaking thrill. I miss his dirty emails to me, I miss that he would do exactly what he said he would in those emails. And i loved that he had the control, not me. So maybe that is really what we are missing. Somebody to give us a good spanking? lol
~nuttmegg
Oh Geeze -
I guess it was the sex
xMM and I both felt unwanted for a very long time by our spouses. We had a spark for many years but did nothing about it for 8 years.
Just a very nice smile for eachother when meeting with our friends for dinner or drinks. FOR 8 YEARS!!!!!
The IC - was powerful. all our pent up need to feel adoration and caring (I dare not say love because we never said it - only implyed)
He cried after a few times. Tears and smiles
I thought that meant he was in love with me.
I was a fool.
Karena
Yep - I cant sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I wake up and then fall back asleep.
This has been going on since the A ended - 2 months!
Nutmeg,
I know we have talked before. Believe me, I am totally at the place where you are. I too dread having my old boring, non fulfilling, lonely life. Like you, that is what lead me to this A. I miss having my OM there. I miss it all. Just the way it felt, how I would love to see him now.
Try to hang in there. Hopefully it gets easier for all of us. My thoughts are with you!
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