obsessing over him

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
obsessing over him
27
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:41pm
This has been such a tough day for me. Last night I layed in bed for 2 hours with thoughts of what I could have/should have said and done. What I want to say to xOM. What I know I will never be able to say. This is tearing me up inside. I have had NC for 2 months, and i hadn't even heard from him at all until his little "hello" offline IM message the other day. How can 1 word have so much of an effect on someone. I really must be mentally unstable. I eventually found a xanax to fall asleep with last night to stop thinking about him.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:49pm
delete


Edited 1/26/2005 4:28 pm ET ET by troubledat33
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:59pm

I think that I am pining over xMM because:
I have never been "left" before.
And not even that I was left - he was not mine....but I have always been the one to break up or leave....ever since I started dating.
So - This is my first "regection"
I am not handling it well all the time - I feel better, but then I get upset and bitter and back again.

I wont discredit my emotions for him - but I truley believe that he is not what I want in a mate. I stated before in an ealier post...I have no clue why I am so drawn to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:16pm
Thanks for your response. I believe (among my many other disorders-ha ha) that i am also very co-dependent. I enjoyed reading the post by Posie about Happiness Carriers. That hit hard. Anyways, I tried to find away to pull up my original post but to no avail. I also was going to rehash it all but instead i will tell you it is back on Dec. 9 (help me stay player free) You may also find another one of my posts were i was standing on my soap box venting some anger. Please don't hate me for that one. It is so hard to just put this out of my head no matter how hard i try. I wish i could find a magical mind eraser that would wipe it all up and leave me brand new. AHHHHHH dreams!
I'd love to talk to you again if you want.
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:19pm
Well, I know why I was drawn to the weirdo that was the OM. Because he could read me like a book--in a sexual way. It was purely animalistic urges. He's single, plenty of his own screwed up issues, and I would never even think of leaving my H for him, or anyone else for that matter. It's just that I feel like it ended before it ever even got started. I can't handle rejection/lack of closure either. Plus the fact, and this is kind of embarrassing---he hinted around at controlling/dominating me and it was something I never experienced before, but could have totally gotten into--especially given my lack of IC with other men. It was like a game--he couldn't really have me, he knew i wasn't going anywhere, and I just wanted to feel like someone else for a time--when I was with him. No one making demands on me, just being told how I would be the ideal--I have great brown eyes, blah,blah, blah. Then, he could be such an ass and I loved that dichotomy. I'm definitely screwed up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:34pm
No not screwed up, just being honest. I had the same sort of thing. That's why i sometimes feel sad when i read alot of the other posts about the love that everyone shared with their OM. I had feelings for him, yes. But it is more of an obsession to the attention and the hole secretiveness that it was.The constant chance of being caught (we only actually had sex 1 time where there was no chance we would get caught)
What a freaking thrill. I miss his dirty emails to me, I miss that he would do exactly what he said he would in those emails. And i loved that he had the control, not me. So maybe that is really what we are missing. Somebody to give us a good spanking? lol
~nuttmegg
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:41pm
Wow, I read your old post and boy, can I identify. A are all downhill. Exciting, intoxicating and so completely destructive. I just wish it were possible to meet all of our needs with one person--the newness would never wear off and everything would be peachy. Did your H find out about the A? Well, mine did, and now the OM is contacting MY H--not me---that's a total slap in the face. He wants my H, but not me. It's so pathetic. Just try to keep your wits about you, realize who and what is good and important in your life. Who is that you want to grow old with, to be by your side when the s..t hits the fan--Is it your H? I know my DH is the one I need to be devoted to, heart and soul, and I'm lucky he's even given me a second chance. However, I so related to the need for excitement, fun, and adventure. I fight those feelings every single day. I also lost like 15 lbs, starting tanning, buying sexy underwear, feeling like a total hottie when I was with this guy. That's what ended up getting me caught. Just like you said, hours spent shaving, hilighting hair, trying to look desirable--God, it felt so good though while it lasted. I have no good advice. I'm so lost right now. I don't even think the OM really liked me afterall, now that he's trying to rekindle with my H. SOOO SAD! Love to hear more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:26pm

Oh Geeze -
I guess it was the sex

xMM and I both felt unwanted for a very long time by our spouses. We had a spark for many years but did nothing about it for 8 years.
Just a very nice smile for eachother when meeting with our friends for dinner or drinks. FOR 8 YEARS!!!!!

The IC - was powerful. all our pent up need to feel adoration and caring (I dare not say love because we never said it - only implyed)
He cried after a few times. Tears and smiles
I thought that meant he was in love with me.

I was a fool.
Karena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:41pm
i did the same thing!! i had just lost about 20 lbs & started buying new clothes, lingerie, things i never would or want to wear for my H. Even sex toys! i dont know what it was about OM. I thought he was gay when i 1st met him. once we got to know each other then i found myself wanting him. i still don't know why. I slept around w/ other guys but he's the 1 i only wanted to keep coming back to for more. The sex wasn't even that great but he made me feel so alive. I need to stop obsessing but can't. Every nite while trying to fall asleep i think about all the good times we had. Do any of you have sleeping problems? i have ever since all this crap started! i don't know if it's guilt or what. probably.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:45pm

Yep - I cant sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I wake up and then fall back asleep.

This has been going on since the A ended - 2 months!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:49pm

Nutmeg,
I know we have talked before. Believe me, I am totally at the place where you are. I too dread having my old boring, non fulfilling, lonely life. Like you, that is what lead me to this A. I miss having my OM there. I miss it all. Just the way it felt, how I would love to see him now.

Try to hang in there. Hopefully it gets easier for all of us. My thoughts are with you!

Pages