obsessing over him
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obsessing over him
| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:41pm |
This has been such a tough day for me. Last night I layed in bed for 2 hours with thoughts of what I could have/should have said and done. What I want to say to xOM. What I know I will never be able to say. This is tearing me up inside. I have had NC for 2 months, and i hadn't even heard from him at all until his little "hello" offline IM message the other day. How can 1 word have so much of an effect on someone. I really must be mentally unstable. I eventually found a xanax to fall asleep with last night to stop thinking about him.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.

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trouble, bbarj, and solost,
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I am only on here during work hours. (don't tell my boss ha ha) Hope you all managed to get a good night sleep. Somedays I feel like I will never have untroubled sleep again without drinking or taking sleeping pills. Some nights it's because I can't stop thinking about OM and others it's because of the guilt I feel for what I did to H. I was wondering, while you were all in the A were you also more sexually revved with your H as well? I swear I have always loved and wanted alot of sex but during the affair instead of shunning my H I was getting it on with him even more. I don't know if I was doing this so that he wouldn't catch on to my infidelity or what. Now my libido has somewhat waned. Just wondering if you all are feeling the same. Is anyone actually still shaving everyday? I know I personally was keeping the gillete co. in business for over a year. hee hee
~Troubledat33 I really feel for you and want to beat the tar out of your OM for being a slime and kissing up to your H after the fact that he screwed his wife. What the hel*?
Were they best friends? I don't know if I could forgive my best friend if she was intimate with my H. Also I just want to give you a big hug because that would be so awkward. I have a hard enough time being around friends of mine that know about the affair when we go out as couples. As far as not knowing if your OM really liked you are not, I try to look at it in the perspective that I KNOW that he did like me AT FIRST. But what do you do with that? You or I weren't exactly available. I know that I would have a hard time building a true connection with a married man knowing in my head that he was taken. I'm a lover not a fighter! Not gonna see this little gal on Jerry Springer anytime soon! I think in most cases (even though i also think my xOM is a slimy piece of sh*t, and wants to bang as many chicks as he can until his crooked thing falls off) they wanted more than they could have, but we let them take what they could get. Not alot of men turn down free nookie! lol
I hope I catch up with some of you all again later today. I'm on from 9:00 to 5:30 Ohio time. (eastern?)
~nuttmeg
Hey,
I'm on during work hours too. Kind of interferes with my productivity, but I've been obsessing all night--crappy sleep--woken up by 2 and 5 yr old twice--went back to dreaming about OM; I really hate that, when you dream about someone and wake up and your thoughts about that person are so intense. All evening, while tending to my homelife, I was feeling guilty about creating such a mess, just to see if I could seduce this guy. Funny thing for me too, is that my sex life with my H has been better than ever since all of this happened, and while it was going on too. I consider myself somewhat of a sexual person, but I have such limited experience and haven't had IC with any other man. I guess there's something good to be said about promiscuity b/c you may wake up at 33, married/devoted mom, obligated to others and THEN you find out you want to sow your wild oats--SUCKS to be me!
Meg,
No, the xOM and H weren't best friends, by any means. They just met last summer in graduate school (both in Psychology, so that may explain some of the reason I felt so comfortable going to him and talking to him.) Anyhow, our solo interactions started in Sept and everything blew up in early October. My H was a lot more in tune with me than I ever imagined. The whole thing consisted of verbal foreplay and suggestiveness, me, trying to act like a good girl and not giving in and just wanting him to "take" me. Isn't that ridiculous? If I had been more concrete in my desires and just let him know what I wanted, then we probably would have just gotten it on, I would have gotten it out of my system, realized what I have at home, and forgotten about it. Instead I'm left with being OBSESSED and wondering, what it would have been like. I thought all night about contacting him, saying, "what the hell is that all about? My H will never forgive you. I am the one that wants you." I don't know what his deal is with my H. He really looks/ed up to him and I think he gets intensely involved in new relationships/friendships like I do---you know, if you feel really comfortable with someone, like you really click--then you want to share everything about yourself. Not that that's wrong, but it doesn't allow for very good boundaries. So, here I sit, wondering what he's up to, thinking about how my H goes out of town on Fridays and I could just pop by his apt. and lay it out on the line---park my car far away, and if he ever said anything, I would just deny, deny, deny. He already looks like a loon, for showing up at my H's workplace, so I think his credibility is kind of shot--if he told anyone, I'd lie. I wouldn't leave a paper trail, like I idiotically did before with emails that I didn't realize hadn't been deleted. The whole thing was just a thrill-like my whole life is a 99% good wife, mom, employee, good girl and there's just this 1% that is naughty and wants to be treated that way by someone who "gets it". Make sense? I wouldn't even want my H to engage in any kind of dominant thing with me--would be too weird and set up and planned. That was part of the thrill with OM. Well, I guess I'm going on and on. I'll check back frequently to talk throughout the day. I hope things are going okay! Thanks for the understanding and support
Hi troubled,
I just took a few minutes to read your initial post. I'm sorry that I speculated earlier about your OM/H scenario. That's a real toughie. I also did not realize that you had not had IC with OM yet. So now I have to tell you, we are voting you off the Ending An Affair Support Island. Please take your torch and go.~Just kidding.
You are in such a hard place to be. It is exactly like we were saying on that other thread about the movie "Unfaithful" you still have that chance to get in the taxi and not look back.(i hope you know what i'm talking about or you are thinking i am a complete nutjob right now)I also have to admit to you that the initial buildup with OM, the flirting, the sexy dirty emails, the way he would touch my leg under the table at lunch, that was all so much sexier and fun than the actual deed itself. Once the IC came into the equation the whole little romantic affair aspect was gone. Vanished into thin air. It was like he spent so much time into conquering me. The chivalry was so sexy. He opened doors for me, he was so sweet and polite and said all the right things to win me over. He is very good at his game. I've heard him in action with other woman as well. But once he actually got me into bed, (I do admit, however, that I was the one that eventually sprung my vixenish little self on him like a horny bunny rabbit)he didn't have to conquer me anymore. All the buildup was gone, all the sexiness, and excitement. I was back to opening my own doors and rubbing my own leg under the table.=) Once the chase is over for some people there isn't anything else left. I think I like to be chased. I think you like to be chased too and to feel something completely different than what your hubby can offer. But although you wrote about going to his apartment on Friday I don't think you really want to do that do you? But the thought of it is actually in a way helping your sex life so that is a big bonus. If I could take the fact that I am an adulteress back at this point I would. But I also admit that if I was back in the same place and how great it feels to be desired and chased I would try to make that last as long as I could, I did feel the sexiest before the actual IC took place. Oh well, i can't undue the past. Just gotta keep on keepin on! It does get better every day. Some day maybe i will go back to dreaming about my H.
~nuttmeg
Edited 1/26/2005 4:32 pm ET ET by troubledat33
you just made me almost pee my pants from laughing so hard. I'll keep my eye out for the "oversexed women's board" Maybe we could put a request into ivillage? I like how your mind works! I think maybe alot of my prob is also that I am a little oversexed! I also am a little boy crazy. One of my guilty pleasures is reading erotica and watching soft core porn. (i almost typed soft corn porn-hee hee) That might be an idea for you and your H. (porn not corn) You know he might actually enjoy it if you came right out and told him you wanted to be fu*&ed. (probably shouldn't throw in the part about by another man though-especially not this close to your ordeal) Maybe your hubby has that urge to be 1% naughty too. There is no way he wouldn't like it if you used all your sexy new vixenish charms and desires on him. And if OM is fueling that fire in the back of your mind so be it. Hubby will never know this. wink wink
~nuttmeg
Edited 1/26/2005 4:28 pm ET ET by troubledat33
troubled,
I like chatting with you. You sound exactly like my best friend. She is from Texas and is kind of reserved in the sex dept. She asked me the other day if I had a vibrator. I was like "hell yeah, you should have one too" Every woman should have one or two or three
! yee-haw
It's funny how you said "You only live once, feel young once, look good once--" because that's kind of how my mind frame was at the time. I have been so devoted to my H and just absolutely adored him and had eyes for only him since we started dating (i was 18) and right around the time my son was 6 months old I stopped doing hair and went to work for a co. with all men. (just a side note- i read somewhere that the statistic of a married woman that works with all men's marriage ending in divorce is like 70%) It was such a culture shock for me. I never actually realized that I was attractive to other men. It's like I knew i was pretty good looking but I never had that kind of attention from the opposite sex. And of course it wasn't like my H was saying to me "wow, you are so smoking hot!" everyday. I'm not saying it went to my head and i used this or anything but it just felt nice to be looked at like that, you know what i'm saying after you have kids and all. Anyways, i guess my workplace was always kind of sexually charged. Flirtatious atmosphere. My single OM didn't start working their until about 1 1/2 years after i had started.And he was actually in a R when he started, so i didn't realize he was such a freaking player. Me and H were going thru rough times (he has anger issues, emotionally abusive at times)in our marriage.
I really don't know exactly what made me stray honestly. I got attention from ALL the guys at work so that wasn't just it. I got enough sex at home.
I'm pausing to think for a moment..... digging deep into my soul here......I think at the time I really really thought that we had a connection. Me and him against the world baby!!! Joking!!! No thats not it.
I think after years and years of all the sameness, you get up everyday, go to the gym, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to bed then do it all again the next day. I'm only 27. I have already been with the same man for 10 years-at 27!!!!! When it boils down to it I think I just liked the idea that maybe my life could be different. That I could be someone else once in awhile. You know what i'm saying? No dishes to wash, no potty training, no worries about paying my house payment. Somebody else!
Somebody sexy and fun. To have something all to myself, a sexy secret. See,it's times like this I sit and think that maybe he wasn't the only player. I used him too. Deep!
Yes, i am still searching for a good therapist. My insurance sucks!
~nuttmeg
hmmm "you passed the test"....that is what my exMM said to me...twice...when i turned him down... never knew what the hell he meant by that either (first time i had said "i dont want or need a pity f&^k" and then he said that)...must be in a liar's handbook somewhere....
i just got chills when i read that in your post.
Edited 1/26/2005 4:29 pm ET ET by troubledat33
Now you are cracking me up!!! I love your honesty. Are you really from Texas? That is funny, I think I belong in Texas, One of my best friends lives their now (Austin) and one is here but is from Texas (Fort Worth) Anyhows, I definitely think we are drawn to people that make us feel excited and are different from what we are used too. I love love love to be uncomfortable. Sounds weird, don't know if i'm a sadist(although I do love the chiropractor-big strong man, cracking your body, throwing you around that little table- owwwwwww) But I love to be caught off guard, it's thrilling not knowing what will happen next. Out of your comfort zone. Good Times.
Anyways, I know you weren't writing that thread to me but just wanted to say hope you all have a great evening. Good night sleep to everyone. I'm off to get a margarita so that should help. Hope to catch you all tomorrow!
hugs
~nuttmeg
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