obsessing over him
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obsessing over him
| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:41pm |
This has been such a tough day for me. Last night I layed in bed for 2 hours with thoughts of what I could have/should have said and done. What I want to say to xOM. What I know I will never be able to say. This is tearing me up inside. I have had NC for 2 months, and i hadn't even heard from him at all until his little "hello" offline IM message the other day. How can 1 word have so much of an effect on someone. I really must be mentally unstable. I eventually found a xanax to fall asleep with last night to stop thinking about him.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.
But now today i just can't get it out of my head. I am back to that unsatisfied feeling. I am back to dreading the end of the day when I go home to my same old life. I love my H and my son, but I just don't have the strong desire to be there completely. I know that this is one of the reasons I had an A in the first place. Especially with such a bad guy. I guess I needed the excitement. Something to look forward to. A sneaky little hobby. I have been trying everything I can think of to work harder on my M and my family but I must be so selfish that nothing is working for me. I get back into my same old obsessions, either working out or obsessing about OM. I am sitting here typing this basically just to keep myself from going on-line. I want to dangle myself out there just to see what happens. Like a carrot in front of a donkey (fitting for him-he's a jackass)
All these questions I think I need answered. All these self serving questions I want to ask him. Why did he play me? Why did he tell? Did he really care for me ever or was it always just a game?
I know my head is so much smarter than my heart will ever be so why can't she take control and really really listen to everything in their telling this heart to get a damn grip!!!!!
Does anyone else out there just feel so unhappy and unsatisfied with there life that they just don't know how to really reprogram and go forward?
Thanks for listening. I have lost some of that urge to dangle myself and break NC.

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You guys are TOO funny, I really needed a laugh today, having a bad day dealing with memories...
I've been reading all these threads and picked this one to respond to, b/c now it seems I'm obessed with these message boards!!! They have all been such a big help to me to know that the feelings I have are "normal" for what we are going through. It is so painful but I plug away, day by day waiting for the ache in my heart to go away. I can relate to many of the things that have been mentioned. I feel that you all understand me and that means so much.
I have had NC with my MM for almost 3 months now. Everyday I have to force myself NOT to contact him in anyway. It's more difficult when I hear certain songs on the radio (like the one playing now "Here without you") In my case, we live in different states so no chance of us running into each other. I can't imagine working in the same office and dealing with something like this.
I saw "Unfaithful" before I was "unfaithful". Then I watched it again a couple weeks ago. WOW! Totally different sensation for me. Has anyone ever saw the movie "Same Time Next Year" with Alan Alda? I saw this before MM and I got together. I guess we thought we could do the same thing as the movie. Emotions were too powerful and it ended. We've known each other for over 20 years, and I have thought about him all this time. We were such good friends. We got together last year while we were both on business trips. Ironically, he was feeling down because his W had an A, so I guess I was "payback" for him. Don't get me wrong, there are very deep feelings for both of us. They were there more than 20 years ago but we didn't act on them. Maybe if we had, things would be different today but I realize I can't say "what if"... Well after our A, he felt very guilty and decided to work on his M. Sometimes I feel that I need to contact him for closure on my part. But I know that would open up so MANY feelings that I am trying to get over.
My H doesn't know about the A and I'd like to keep it that way. I know I would lose everything if that happened and I guess my MM feels that way too. I had heard a little from others about A's. but I thought I was "different", HAHA! It wasn't going to happen to me and my MM because we loved each other, we were so in tuned with each other, blah blah blah...
The sex was amazing!!! I tried to spice up my M'd sex but that wasn't really happening. I became obsessed with sex (I saw someone else post about this too) nice to know that I wasn't the only one who felt THAT way too.
I'll keep checking back on these boards, it does help me.
Dallas
Edited 1/26/2005 4:29 pm ET ET by troubledat33
troubledat
XOM would have told you you looked good with 2 heads to get into your pants so get a little more realistic at least your husband is honest with you if not to bright.
Free
Sorry, but I have to say that it was the best sex I have ever had! I learned so much and felt so sexy. I too have changed my haircut and dress differently to feel more sexy at home. Things here at home with my H are still kinda shaky. I have been in therapy since Sept. Things really started to get me thinking about my M when my therapist asked me if I loved my H and I couldn't answer him!!! I was shocked because I hadn't even thought about that. Now I'm trying to get that feeling again but I keep thinking about my XMM. My H has been to one of my therapy sessions with me and we have another one next week. He has been taking me for granted and I guess that is what lead me to my part in my A. Things have gotten better in my M, just by reading these boards. I'm starting to get out of the "waiting for my XMM to contact me and say he wants me back" mode and trying to rebuild my M. It's difficult. I can relate to those threads about wanting to have sex but not with my H.
I started reading a book by Dr. Laura. I usually don't like what she says but it was recommended by one of my friends. It's "The proper care and feeding of husbands". I would get so mad when I read it but my therapist urged me to finish reading it. Oh well, so I will finish it.
From Thanksgiving till about 1 week ago, my husband and I weren't really on speaking terms. This made it difficult to live in the same house and deal with the kids too. Sometimes I still feel like I'm walking around on eggshells, waiting for the next fight to happen. He doesn't understand why I'm so depressed sometimes (because of my A) and I certainly can't talk to him about that.
These boards have been such a help to me, I cannot even describe it. I'm so glad that I found this board. I hope that we will all find our healing very soon.
Dallas
Meg,
I guess you could say that I am a rookie here having just initiated NC, but not doing real well with it. I noticed that you said that you took pills to sleep. I am finding that the only way that I can sleep at all is by taking SEVERAL pills. Is this a normal thing to do? Is it ok to do? I cannot sleep at all without them.
Kelly
Trouble wrote: <<<<>>>>>>
Nope...I am in Florida...but he is from Texas (lived there growing up and while in the Army for awhile is well). His name is Charles. (just in case lol)
I am in no way qualified to dispense medical advice to anyone (or any advice for that matter) I however do not reccomend taking more than 1-I repeat=1 sleeping pill EVER my sweet little cupcake. (with the possible exception of tylenol pm- i think the serving size is 2)If you are getting O.T.C sleeping pills please just check the box to see how many to take. It's dangerous to take too many of any kind of pills.
You could try Valerian (an herb, you can find the pills at any health food store-it relaxes you and as an added bonus helps with cramps!!!!)
I take xanax (prescribed) for my nerves. Which I only take when I am really overly wired (i drink roughly 4 liters of diet coke a day- can anyone tell?) and just freaking out in my head.
I really don't like to take any pills at all if I can help it though.
I feel for you Kelly, it's hard not to obsess/ over analyze our situations. Especially at night, it tends to consume your mind. There are no other distractions- just you and your thoughts.
I wish you the best with your recovery. Keep up the NC, it will get better with time.
hugs to you
~meg
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