The obsession of NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
The obsession of NC
23
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 10:19am

Seems to me that NC has become an obsession of sorts around these parts. I am not trying at all to be disrespectful to the vets because I KNOW that it saved your life, so please hear me out.


I feel like I'm am trying to work myself up to accomplish this big goal of NC from AP, and I stress about never talking to him again (because he sits on the under end of my phone like a crack pipe that I can smoke whenever I want). And I stress about

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 5:08am

Hello WithClarity,


I agree so much with you... You and all the ladies who say NO contact is the only way are soo right!


It is frightening to go No Contact as that means it is over, finished, done..... You have to look at yourself, your life and take a good look at yourself! It is scarey to say the least.


I have done it and know it can be done, but after a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 6:46am

Wow, great response sunbeam!!!!! Im so glad to see that you are focused on what really matrter....your family, your M and your kids.


I too resisited the NC mantra for several weeks. I just couldnt wrap my mind around shutting out someone who had become such a large part of my life.


But 2 things happened that made me jump at the chance to go NC....


1) I realized that the HUGE part of my life was someone that I wouldnt have a future with and that I was ignoring the tru HUGE part of my life....ME! I had given him so much that I had nothing left to give. Every interaction with him was laced with irritation, frustration or anger.


2) I needed to remove the the toxins from my life so I could sober up and reevaluate my life. I was certain that my H was distant and wasnt interested in our M. The A fog rolls out as the NC days stack up and I saw how I pushed...Hell, I shoved my DH away so I could bring XMM closer. In the past 90 days, I went from looking at apartments to looking at how selfish I was.


NC works!! My XMM wasnt some mean, manipulative man but he was a "sick" as I was. He and I were both addicted to how we made the other feel and the only way to fully sober up is to remove the addiction completley.


Remain NC but count them, mark them off a calender...whatever works for you. In the begining I didnt even count because I wanted to focus on repairing the damage the A did.


You dont have to be obscessed with NC but you should be because its really the best way to return the gift of YOU to YOU.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 7:56am

My world won't fall apart. But I miss the daily interaction with someone who made my heart pound and my face light up just from a text message. People don't believe this but men do not usually affect me this way. I have met so many, been on so many dates and I am excellent at telling them to get lost. I am never moved by them. So when I meet someone who moves me (only happened a few times in my life) I get really upset when I have to let it go. I so badly want that connection, I crave that in my life. It's hard when there is none of that around.


I don't know (and advanced search doesn't appear to be working) if you are married or not.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:40am

"I also don't count the days... cannot count that high lol."


I am happy for you blue!! Counting just doesn't work for me. I am like you, I want to just forge ahead and then stop and realize it's been way to long to even count. I think concentrating on each day and it's important number is to much for me. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:43am

"So yes I agree No contact is the only way to heal and once you acknowledge this and agree to let go you will start to heal properly."


Thank you for your thoughts Sun! I hope you are finding peace again in your life. I really hope to get there as well. I do believe NC works, I'm just trying to come to peace with it I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:47am

Hmmm. NC never started out nor intended to be an obsession for me. It was a MEANS to an END.

I admit I counted the days in the beginning and rejoiced when I got to a week. The day of the week that set me free was a FRIDAY and now have to check the calendar for the number of weeks, almost eight. I marked on my calendar too the 90th day just as a goal....September 1!

If Me Contact will help you begin your RL again, then do whatever it takes to get there. For me, NC was the ONLY way for me to get past the terrible A life I was leading. Without the leadership and vision of these wonderful men and women of this board, I would not have known about how to go about NC and what to expect all the way to healing.

MO

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:48am

Hi GMLB,


Thanks for your reply xx


I dont think we really realise the person we become.... we are half a person because the other half is somewhere else.. and its awful.


My family love me so much and I do them... once I realised that it wasnt a fairy tale and me and ex ap wasnt going to run into the sunset together then what is there???


Yes at the time I thought I loved him, He "needed" me I was all this man needed to sort his life out and we would live happily ever after... Durhh wrong..!!!


It wasnt love.. Yes i cared, it was lust, excitement, it was all the lovely things you think is right but LOVE.. NO!


Yes like you, mine isnt a bad horrible man, he was like me weak and selfish and we have / had to stop because it wasnt healthy or right to continue.


So I am back to the beginning only this time I KNOW its over.... I know it deep down in my heart and soul and I wont be going back again..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:48am

1) I realized that the HUGE part of my life was someone that I wouldnt have a future with and that I was ignoring the tru HUGE part of my life....ME! I had given him so much that I had nothing left to give.


This is a powerful point, GMLB!


2) I needed to remove the the toxins from my life so I could sober up and reevaluate my life.


I just have a hard time shutting anyone I really cared about out of my life. I have remained friends with guys I have dated. This just feels intense to me but I do admit it was a toxic situation that caused him and I both a lot of pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:58am

Clarity!!


Thank you so much for your words and time. I really do appreciate it! I am sure you see this a lot here. I am not trying to resist something so tried and true, and in fact I have been NC for about a week now. I am just trying to wrap my head around the intensity of this. There is this part of me that realizes how much damage both him and I did to each other. And then this other part of me that wants to fluff it off and pretend it wasn't as toxic as it is.


I am S, and I guess that part is making it hard for me too because I put so much into xAP that to start over with someone who doesn't know me just seems exhausting. But I do want a family and a life of my own.


xAP and I didn't really fight that much. He did some things that hurt me, but I am not really one to hold on to anger and grudges to much. I hate fighting, so if they don't resolve it, I resolve it. But yes this ending was not wrought with angry words or tears. It was simply this is how it has to be. I am just not good with endings of any sort.


I am going to try and do this the right way. Because I know it is the right thing to do. And I miss wanting the right things.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 9:05am

Hi,


It took me a long time to realise that this was what I had to do... you see I was one of the lucky few who could remain friends or if not friends just casual aquentances and I would be ok!!! (LOL) Cos I didnt want to admit I couldnt be.... (if that makes sense)


I wasnt ready to let go... but all i did was to prolong the pain, and continue the self harming I was doing to myself...


I am finding it ok at the min, im sure I will have days when i will want to scratch the itch but I will not... this time I intend to heal propely.


Good luck and best wishes to you xx


SB X