The Obsession Puzzle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
The Obsession Puzzle
5
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 7:45pm
My T and i talked about about obsession. This was her take: for me Obsessing is like trying to put a puzzle together. The only problem is, you don't have all the pieces, so you just keeping trying and trying and trying to put that puzzle together in your brain--you just can't believe (or don't see that you don't all all the pieces) and you keep working it and working because you think you will finally have VIOLA! and it will come together.

only problem: it's not going to, because not all the pieces are there.

One last thought: maybe, just maybe? my missing puzzle piece was this confrontation i did yesterday--the one i have put off since, well, last MAY? Maybe that was what i needed? Maybe i HAVE, finally put all the pieces in place and now i can let go. . . confronting him, as you all know, was terribly important to me. I know it jacked him up a bit, fed his ego, let him know i still care--but i don't care how he feels. I DID THIS FOR ME! AND IT FEELS GREAT!

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:15am
Wow.... love the image of the puzzle with the missing pieces. Exactly what it feels like. Trying to make sense of it, justify my and his behaviors.

The problem with confrontations, or contact in general, one gets a few pieces, but then the puzzle seems to get bigger, and even more pieces seem missing, and the obsession starts up all over again. Being with someone day in and day out is "puzzling" enough, as those of us who are married can testify. Clearly a fantasy relationship, based on lies and manipulation, can only be more so.

Thanks for the insight.... I'll bring it up today with my T.

Wishing you and all of us peace and clarity.

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:15am

By confronting him and telling him just how you felt allowed you to purge those harboring feelings! Now you can get beyond it all.


BTW, I had to do the same thing with GB. I felt better. It allowed me to go on. It's been over two years since I've ended it. I do still speak to him on occasion . . . when he calls Sean for business purposes and Sean's not home. I can speak to him with no regrets or wishes to be with him. I no longer want to speak to him nor do I want to spend time with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:43am
How you describe the obsession as a puzzle is very interesting and true. Sometimes I think the obsession is that I need some kind of closure as well. But, I do feel that if I confront XMM about all of the things that I have realized/thought of about the A, it would only lead to more obsession and thoughts thus the cycle of obsession will continue.

Right now most of my thoughts of XMM have been of the nasty things he said to me after the A ended. I try to figure if he actually meant them or if they were just said to get rid of me. I do not think that he is the kind of person that would mean them taking into consideration what we shared but then I think that an A is all about a fantasy so maybe what we did have didn't exist and he does mean them??

I am very happy to say that I do not have feelings of emotion for him anymore and that was a big hurdle. My thoughts of him are basically what I wrote about above.

Maybe I just need to accept that I will probably never get my chance to ask the questions I have or even tell him what I think of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:16pm
chris: i do feel better--like a bubble has been burst, or a blister. But, i do have feelings of codependency now--i feel badly that i have made him feel bad and it makes me crazy i feel that way. Those are old tapes for me. I have always felt i am responsible for everyone's feelings and emotions and somehow they are my issue and fault.

I know that what i said to him was good for me and potentially for him, if he can learn from what i said and our relationship. I know that is expecting a lot from him. He told me time and time again, i was right about what i was saying, he needed to hear it, he deserved it. He called is other friend that he has hurt yesterday and offered an olive branch. I only know because he called 4 times to tell me and i finally decided to call him back.

I guess the thing that hurts that he said to me when i asked him: why didn't i hear from you when i di this good thing or that good thing for little league? And his reply was a simple, "I don't know." He told me my relationship with his friend troubled him and when he realized how much contact i had with his friend, he just had to back off from both of us.

I know i am not supposed to be thinking or worrying about what he thinks or feels and i am working thru that. My T has given me some wonderful tools to help me stop my obsession (to understand that obsession) and to stop the negative feelings and emotions that constantly run through my head. It's hard work, but i think it's helping me a bit. I have also learned that thru my depression of all of this, i have become a true PROCRASTINATOR--as i'd rather sit around, smoke, worry about xMM and H and post here and there to try and make me feel better. The truth is, the busier i am, the better i feel, so i am trying to work on that today, as well.

i grew up thinking that i had to analyze and feel every emotion and thought that ran through my head, and i am started to see that that is not at all appropriate or necessary--and can in fact be, very unhealthy.

All my best to you,

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:37pm

Clarice, take a page from the Mary Tyler Moore show. It sounds like "You're gonna make it after all!"


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