Obsessive Love- Could this be us??
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| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:54pm |
I have been reading it faithfully over the last week and although I would never consider myself obsessive, I see a lot of similarities between the pages. I'm sure we would all agree that we have felt obsessed over our A's. Regardless of whether we carry out the stereotypical Glenn Close behavior in Fatal Attraction, I for one admit that for the longest time, (actually only up until recently) I have been focusing on thoughts of my XOM. Seeing him at work and spending time with him only fueled thoughts about him. Wondering what his double messages meant, analyzing almost every word, every action, and every intimacy. Countless hours spent thinking about him and the situation. Countless hours thinking about the unfairness of it all. Thinking that I must surely love him because of how attached I was becoming; how dependent my day's happiness was on him being a part of it.
Reading this book has shown me how self-destructive this thinking was. It has also given me some insight as to why this A happened. I've struggled with what possible meaning this could have for me. The book looks at the need to be validated, as well as the desire to be someone's "magic person" and to have them be your one and only regardless of the impropriety of the situation. The need to be for the other person what their partner could not be, to have them be for you what your partner could not be- the "star-crossed" lovers effect. The book isn't for everyone, but anyone struggling like I was should pick it up. Basically, I was wondering how someone like me who I thought had it all together- great career, independence, education, and I was no slouch in the looks department- how this seemingly put-together woman could stoop to the level of this A. I was embarassed at how low my self-esteem had gotten and how my dignity suffered and was challenged everytime I hungrily accepted whatever crumb of attention he chose to give me.
The level of hanging on his every word; of settling for a secret friendship, much less relationship. Lately our contact has diminished greatly. We still need to deal with each other for work and do say the odd hello, but no more daily lunches. At first the feeling of loneliness left me feeling despair, then I felt rejected. However, the distance has proven to help with my clarity, despite feeling lonely for him and missing him more often than I care to admit. He came into my life when I left a long-term partner and him leaving my life now represents the end of that chapter. I am not admitting that I am ready for this, but for my sake, the choice can be no other. Distance. Contact only when necessary. Recognition of the unhealthiness of the situation. Release from this tortured affair. Finally, I feel like I am healing- after one year of sometimes feeling anguish.
I urge you to read this book- or at least read about it on Amazon and see if it is for you. I am going through the program and am seeing the meaning and patterns within my relationships. Love isn't supposed to make us feel the way that this does. I now see that to stay captive within this relationship is akin to emotional death. I choose to live, and free my heart of this captivity instead.
Snap.

Good luck -- I'm "affair free" (an affair survivor?) of about 14 mos. (or more?) Every single day of freedom from my addiction has proven 1000% better than the day before. I look back over the last year & I can see how much I've changed & grown & become a better, stronger, happier person.
You can achieve this too -- it's not easy but it's SO worth it.
Good luck!! I think you're half way there with this realization.
I had printed off all the responses from people who "had been there, done that" and honestly, no one told me anything that I didn't already know or tell myself. I was not, however, ready to let him go. In fact, every time someone suggested that maintaining a friendship would be like maintaining an open wound, I scoffed internally, thinking "We'll be the exception because what we have is different from what everyone else has". In fact, it wasn't. I had wanted to cling on to the slightest thread of hope that this was real. Probably because I didn't want to face the pain of another failed relationship, however dysfunctional the "relationship" was. Partly because I really did care for him. Regardless of the reasons... I have learned that only when we are ready will we honestly hear, with our hearts and souls, and then will we understand. This understanding will then bring us to the point where we realize that the only loving option for ourselves is to move on. It took me almost one year to come to this point, and I am only just there- so I expect to waver a bit. One painful year of longing, loving, and lusting, but I am here taking baby steps on the other side; and for the first time in a long time I feel empowered and almost whole again.
Good luck everyone,
For me, actually- for all of us, I wish us peace of spirit, and that we find our happiness-that which was truely meant for us. That which we truely deserve.
Snap.