Obviously I still need you guys--

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Obviously I still need you guys--
9
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:57pm
Well.. i am so thankful for the kind words posted, and really I am ok and glad to have my EMA over..but now an issue that relates to it, has reared it's ugly head..
My best friend --the only woman in my life who knew about my EMA--has been in the process of leaving her husband but has been having an affair with a married man for the past year and a half. Now this morning she emails me to ask me why I say so little about him (her MM) and what's up.. she sensed my discomfort with the issue. So I told her--and you know what? My answer is based on all I've gone through, and all I know about how horrible EMAs are, and how many people are hurt or suffer because of them. As you can suspect she was NOT happy with my words..though she did ask..otherwise I'd probably not have said so much. But I did..and I can tell our friendship is now hindered by it..and maybe we won't have much of a friendship for awhile. :( How in the world do I become in a cheering section for someone doing what I am sooo OVER?? Originally we turned to one another because we knew deep down in our hearts no one would applaud us for this, so we at least offered each other kind and understanding words regarding the EMA's.. I even told her this in the email- how we both knew that we weren't doing something great and healthy no matter how "Good" it felt..and that I reached the point of realizing that doing what "feels good" is NOT supposed to come before what's healthy for all involved/families included. She wonders how I could have done the same thing and be so uncomfortable with what she is doing! God..I'm such a different person now..and no..i guess i can't expect her to be "There" yet..but it sure is hard to be her friend and think what they are doing is ok. She thinks this MM is soo wonderful and he has cheated more than once before her! He even impregnated a coworker--and that woman has a child his wife knows nothing about. Yet my friend thinks somehow what she has with him is "Special".. am i wrong to have really put my feelings on this topic out there?? I may have lost her for now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 1:32pm

lea,

Glad you're back : ) (just kidding... I truly wish the best for you - and that's to be done with 'this whole thing' and I'm guessing your friend being in an EMA is dragging this out for you).

First, think of the pain every single one of us has been in on this board - or we *would not be here.* If leaving an A was easy, we wouldn't waste our times reading this board until all hours of the night moaning and groaning. We're in pain. For big change to happen, (unfort) the pain of staying in the A has to *exceed* the pain of change.

Your friend is simply not there yet. She isn't in enough pain to make her see that change (i.e. stopping it) is required. She can't see the painful deadend that is coming. For some of us a moral compass is not enough to stop it and it takes pain for us to wake up (then we realize morally this is wrong... on and on). It took a lot of pain for me to come here, and then a lot more hours of reading for me to understand there is no justification for this behavior anymore. She just isn't there yet.

I would express your concerns but not have it be the focus of your friendship (hold her in an "open hand" as the saying goes without reminding her that you disagree with her lifestyle). But be there when it falls, as we know it will.

The only problem with my advice is it may not be good for your healing to see the A in action. I think you need to express all the pain you've gone through and ask her to respect that you just can't hear all the details and that - for now - you want to focus on the other parts of your friendship. But that you'll be there if she needs you.

: ) WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 3:06pm

Well, a reformed AP is similar to a being a reformed smoker or alcoholic. We can be a real pain in the butt after going through such tough channels to improve the quality of our life. If you told her how you feel, she will understand if she is a true friend. If she can't, then so be it, and cut her loose for the time being.

You already answered your own question. YOU ARE a different person now. Affairs change us forever. It's scary and challenging both at the same time. The last thing any of us needs is another "lost and confused" soul chiseling away at the very foundation we are trying to reconstruct.

Tell her "No affair talk." If she is offended, then so be it. Right now the only thing important is "SAVING LEALAVENDER."

Hugs,

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 5:52pm

No, It is a good thing that you are sharing your experience with her and trying to help. I have done this as well. It isn't always the most comfortable but it is a good thing.

My suggestion is to tell her that although you know what she is doing will hurt others eventually and probably is currently hurting her (whether she sees it or not); you still care about her and your friendship. Tell her you can worry for her choices and love her at the same time and you'll be there for her.

JMHO

happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:50pm
Thank you to those who responded to this thread..it has been a hard day- my friend is angry- of course. It's like a drug addict saying "Well you used to do drugs, why don't you want me to do them too?" Just a hard day.
And then I came here to see someone tell me that it SURELY is something within my marriage that made me have an affair and I guess I don't need stuff like that. I am doing great as far as being done with the affair, done with the ExMM.. I am happy to be where I'm at..and to come here and be told by someone who doesn't know me or my marriage, that I'm wrong- it HAS to be something lacking in my marriage--makes me not want to come here. Thank goodness for the most part, people here are helpful and not forcing me to put my affair in their small square box..as if it's one size fits all.. still shaking my head in disbelief :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:24pm

Lea

Your never wrong to tell the truth, BUT don't expect it to be well recieved untel she gets to that place were she has hurt badly enough to listen. You can't force it it happens at it's own pace.

I have to agree with you the marriage is not always the reason for affairs if it was everyone that had problems in there marriage long term would cheat and the truth is they don't....sometimes the problem that causes us to cheat is looking back at us in the mirror or is buried someware below the surface, the CL is thinking in male terms, you have to live as a female to understand what motavates women everything from hormones to that first wrinkle or gray hair...ETC...

You know what's done is done the past can't be change all we can do is take what ever steps are needed to make sure we learn from history and don't repeat it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:04am

Hey Lea,

I'm sorta sorry you're back, but sorta not. I've read so many of your posts and you have a lot to offer to people on this board.

Free is right, your friend won't listen until she is ready. Kinda like a kid, she has to make her own mistakes. I know I will never be the same person after this A. That makes me sad in some ways, because I can't decide if I like all the ways it's changed me or not.

And no, it isn't always a problem with the marriage! My H loves me so much, and has never done anything to cause me to stray, and yet I did. Fortunately, he is a very forgiving man. He doesn't know it was a physical A, but I did tell him of my feelings for xMM as at the time we were all friends. Even though he knows about the emotional part of things, and suspects that's the reason I moved out, he has forgiven me. I know the problem lies within me, even though it's hard to make him understand that. He still thinks it was something about him.

You know what's right for you...don't let anyone tell you any differently! Take care of yourself right now, and just let your friend know that it makes you uncomfortable to talk about her A.

Owl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 7:29am
Thank you Free. I needed that. Not to reaffirm what I know about my own marriage, but because I was so shocked that someone would post as though they had ALL the answers. And we all sure don't. We each have different situations, and different reasons. I guess thats why I had said I wasn't sure how helpful I was- because I felt so done with my MM i wasn't pining for him anymore..I also resent that someone terms it as if they will forever wear the title of Cheater, adulterer. If he wants to do that so be it. But the rest of us know that we can heal, move on and put that part of our lives behind us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 8:44am
Lea...
I have been on these boards for over 3 years. I used to post, then started thinking like you are now and moved on. I came back after a while, but just read. I have learned so much on these boards, but mostly I feel the pain everyone is in and it helps me to know I am not alone. Even on the affair board, there is seldom a "happy" post.
I always read your posts because like you I feel I have a very good marriage. I got tired of hearing "there is something lacking in your marriage". There really is not. There is something lacking in ME and perhaps there is something lacking in my H, but our marriage is good. Maybe some can't understand that, but I do. I understand that you can be involved in an affair even though you have a good marriage.
I probably should post my story here because even though reading the posts are so helpful, sometimes reading what someone posted directly to you helps even more. I hold back because I was not involved in an affair like most here...the wanting to be with him, wanting him to leave his W or me leave me H, or the I love yous, phone calls, etc. My affair was "sex only". It's hard when you don't fit into "the mold". We are all in affairs for different reasons and only you can know or try to find out what that reason is.
Just as it is easy for me to understand your situation, because it is my own, I can see how someone in a different situation can easily think yours would have to be the same as theirs. We are all confused.
I understand how you feel,
PJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:18pm
Hugs to you PJ..and thank you. There surely is a way to post here without such rigidity. Truths and "you should think abouts" are typical..but I would never assume someone else here has the same complete issues to resolve as I did. I think I would continue to post here more, if that rigidity didn't exist. But it seems to ..so in part that is why I don't don't find the board as helpful as I once did. I could post from here to eternity about how much I love my husband, how much he loves me- how wonderful he is-but because I had an EMA--I shouldn't come here and be made to feel that I haven't "dealt" with my marriage issues or whatever. I know where I'm at..and I love the place my marriage is at.
I wish you the best too PJ..Slowly phasing out this board for myself..because when it stops feeling healthy and helpful--it's not a good thing.