Oh the allure of temptation...
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| Tue, 01-12-2010 - 11:00pm |
So as I posted earlier, my xAP called me today. Left no message, sent no text. Im left reeling. My head is spinning and filled with thoughts of him. Plus I found out from my wireless carrier that I can't block numbers, and changing mine would be terribly inconvenient and odd to H and everyone else I know. So I'm feeling down. Defeated. Wondering if I'll ever really be done with this. And I have to admit...I'm tempted. Damn tempted. My mind has been focused on thoughts of him, tempted to seek those highs again and the feel goods. And it sucks. It sucks because it's all on me. One phone call and chances are, I'd be right back into it. And that saddens me. I thought I was so much farther along than this. After 3 months I was hoping I was getting closer to indifference and yet here I am, typing this, trying to replace every "nice" memory with a reality check, a bad memory, or the thoughts that he doesn't really care about me, he's just lonely and needing an ego stroke. And thinking that just makes me incredibly sad.
I can only hope that a new day brings new resolve and strength. Thanks for listening.
Gal

Be strong. be strong! I know how you feel, and it sucks. But, you can do it! please hold on. Update us tomorrow and let us know you didn't cave. (how's that for awesome accountability??)
With big hugs,
Dee
I did NOT cave! I went to bed after I posted because I feared if I stayed up I would succumb to the temptation. I went to bed thinking about everything. It occurred to me that I really don't know why he's calling. I didn't forgive him when we last spoke and that's a big deal for him so he may have been calling to get "closure" in which case I would be incredibly pissed if I returned his call. I also imagined myself being back in his apt and it honestly made me feel sick. I know that I'm done and I just need to work through this bump. If I continue to ignore his attempts to contact me and eventually he will get the hint.
Thanks for the support.
great way to start my day - hearing this wonderful news from you. Thanks!
Dee