Oh the Anger!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Oh the Anger!!!
9
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 11:58am

I understand that experiencing anger is part of the grieving process but geez - what is it in me that makes me want to "try & hurt him so much"!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 12:09pm

I can completely relate to what you are feeling. I have a pattern of lashing out when I feel hurt and wronged. I actually used this trait of mine to finally drive my xAP away, and it's also what I used to get in this mess in the first place. I am understanding more and more why I react this way, and it's up to me to control it.

Nothing he could've said would've satisfied me. If he had said yes, I love you, let's be together, I would've told him that I couldn't because I don't want to leave DH. If he would've said ok, I need NC, I would've felt hurt and rejected. It was a constant state of confusion.

Of course you're angry, you're angry at xAP and you're angry at yourself. Unfortunately, it is the process of healing, and only time is going to help you. The best thing to do is let it out, and that's what we are here for =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 12:16pm

Rena,
Let's take xAP and the A out of the equation and look at how you deal with hurt and anger. Lashing out in anger in response to disappointment is probably a part of you that could use serious introspection and is probably effecting all aspects of your RL and your relationships. Maybe one of the silver linings of your A's really nasty dark cloud, is that you are now aware of this part of you that needs work and you can move forward dealing with it. Yah?

My xAP had the same issue and I worked my ass off to appease and heal him -- total waste of my time, as 1) it was not MY job, but 2) and moreover, it was HE who needed to fix himself and his inability to do that is probably the biggest turn off not only for me but for his W!!

Pain is a gift; it motivates change!
Go forward and be strong.
Bestest,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 12:48pm

Hi Rena, you new here? :-)
I can totally relate to what you are saying about anger.
At times I am totally furious with xAP. He is my neighbor and that's already one thing to be angry about. I am angry with myself of course for letting the A happen.
But xAP also angers me all the time. Just the mere sight of him and his wife going outside together to smoke a cigarette, upsets me.
Oh my , yesterday I was so angry , I thought about throwing a rock through their window. Don't worry girls, I would NEVER do that.
It was just a stupid thought and I would not ever act upon it.

But sometimes I want to hurt him just as much as he hurt me.

I know, not much advice from me. Don't start throwing rocks! LOL

hugs
HTGO

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 2:18pm
I posted some a while back then fell back into the A so I felt too bad about posting but I've been lurking ever since only in Day 2 of NC and its hard, still struggling with the urge to pick a fight with him which by the way is impossible - he never would really fight back, i'd just get ignored or given the "what's your
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 2:25pm

:-) I am glad you're back , Rena! When was the last time you were here?

I don't like it either when someone doesn't fight back. My xAP always used to say: "if you say so.." with an offended tone. Or he would just ignore.

No arrows. No rocks. No punching either ;-)

Hugs
Htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 2:33pm

Hi Rena,

I am on day 2 of NC as well. (((((HUGS))))

I understand the anger, believe me. My ex-ap would give me that same attitude- what's your problem? Why are you so upset? It's like he just didn't get it. We tried the friends thing too, but it didn't work and I fell back into the A after attempting NC and LC.

All I can say is try to use the anger in a positive way. That anger is self-protective. It's telling you that something here is off, and that you deserve to be treated better than that. And you do :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 3:05pm
Thanks! We all deserve better treatment - that's what was soooo frustrating because he just didn't get that - he never understood that he was hurting me or if he did then he just didn't care enough - either way it became unacceptable and I finally told him so - I told him I deserved someone better than him ( one of my arrows ;) )
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 3:11pm

I haven't posted since July/Aug. I think - wow, time flies!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 3:29pm

Hi Rena,


I just wanted to give you my support and tell you I know exactly how you are feeling. I am only on day 1 NC, but I feel your anger and can totally relate to it.