OH DEAR GOD
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| Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:01am |
Hi Everyone,
I'm sorry for my absence in the past few days.
I've been very confused, muddled up and lost. With nowhere to turn to. I've been talking with XAP - who has completely ended marriage and wants a life with me. My feelings are so strong for him that I want to go through with this, but logic is telling me that it's the wrong thing to do. That I would be miserable, that my H is the best person for me.
I'm in the fog again, and I don't know what to do. I want to be free from this, but can't help but feel responsible for wanting this all along and now it's here, I'm freaking out.
Was I doing well with NC? Yes, but emotionally I was a wreck and lost and depressed, now I'm confused, and fighting with logic and a foggy heart. I dunno what to do.
I feel like I've let everyone down, including myself. Oh God... what will I do?
I can't focus on anything right now, including the work I've just got. Which leads me to think, how good is a relationship that sucks your focus from all else?
PK... how are you all doing?

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It is one of my fears, that I could be in your same situation some day.
When we start the journey of making the break from our AP, we all wonder if we are throwing away what we wanted and needed and was right for us.
I will remind you of some sound advice that you have heard over and over. Don't make a decision when you are involved with more than one person. Sound advice from very smart and wise people.
Time is your ally. If you can honestly make a break from your H, and wait until that is completely over to get together with your AP, then go for it. Changing one problem in your life for another problem is not a solution. Doing things in a state of confusion is not a good to think about doing.
Ground yourself. Get a grip.
We only miss what could have been.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
I'm sorry you've been feeling so lost and confused.
PK !!!!!!!
STEP BACK and give yourself distance......
How do you know xAP has really left W for good?
How do you know the lure of his young children wont forever pull him back? how will you handle xmas and birthdays etc etc....
If xAP and H stood side by side and you hAD to choose one??
You have to put yourself first and do whats right for YOU, at least you dont have children in the mix
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Hi everyone and thanks for the speedy responses... i really need them.
How do I know it's over?? I took his word, he's been very honest about contact with his W, including relations during our NC time, I just do believe him. Perhaps this is foolish.
How do I take time out from both? when I've no main source of income, no steady
"How do I know it's over?? I took his word, he's been very honest about contact with his W, including relations during our NC time, I just do believe him. Perhaps this is foolish."
Oh, PK - this is the full on fog talk. You have no idea if he is being honest or not, and you know what, you know who else who trusted him at his word? His wife. I struggle to understand how people in affairs, or who have been in affairs can believe that what they had was honest, that even though everyone has to lie to all those people to get away with it, they are honest with one another - big pile of BS.
You're contemplating total self-destruction. I would suggest getting into therapy ASAP (I know you are on a waitlist, so use a mental health crisis line if need be to just have someone OTHER than xAP to talk to).
You have totally lost sight PK of the goals you had for yourself and your family. YOU OWE YOUR xAP NOTHING! Your irrational dedication to him and his needs continues to dictate your choices ... without divorce papers in hand, there isn't even a moment of time you should waste on making the decision to leave your family. Do you know how many of us here were told that xAP had left? Myself included. And you know what? They change their minds. And you would likely too. You have no idea how hard it is: the guilt, the shame. You will be sitting one day with your xAP, looking at him, and you will think - what the F^#K have I done.
"I've been very confused, muddled up and lost. With nowhere to turn to. I've been talking with XAP - who has completely ended marriage and wants a life with me."
You had us to turn to - but you turned toward your addiction instead. Acknowledging your active decision making process is an important first step in being accountable to yourself, PK. If you were muddled up & confused, we were your support system through this, NOT THE ADDICTION. We all know that you have been struggling terribly.
You are at a fork in the road PK, and the decision is yours to make. others of us have stood EXACTLY where you are, made the wrong decision and our families are now in ruins. Your AP is actively participating in the destruction of your life - you are working with him to break the commitment YOU made to your PARTNER. If you are ready to end your M - then do so without your AP in the picture. At least have the courage to stand on your own and leave, and not rely on the coward who is baiting you with empty promises.
We will of course be here for you if you RE-COMMIT to NC and ending your affair. It saddens me to see you hurt, and even sadder that you could stop making the choice to do so. Please choose yourself.
(((HUGS)))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Ratherbeme,
EXCELLENT advice. I'm going to remember those two sentences! Changing one problem was what I was doing in the past....and definitely not the way to handle things.
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MO
MovingON
TU's post is right on from beginning to end.
Leaving W for good is a signed decree with a Superior Court's signature...anything else is TALK with no action behind it.
And when people usually but NOT ALWAYS leave the board, we know its because they have have had contact with Exap...
I hope you take her words to heart and make some good decisions for yourself and your family.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
okay i'm here, I'm listening to how fkd up and stupid I'm being... and how fogged up I am. And of course, how can I trust someone who's lied to his wife, walked out on his family?
I cannot go through this all over again, and even the stress of this mental decision is makin me feel ill...
I'll do a work out this evening, some work and then call my best friend for a talk.
i'll be back on later.
PK x
Piku-
You need to examine the hows and whys of your half-hearted attempt at NC. Honestly, you're not as far along in healing as you could have been since you've had one foot in ending this A and one foot holding the door open for X(ish)AP to contact you. The problem of him coming back into your life and messing with your head/heart didn't start with the moment he contacted your or you contacted him; it started in small increments when you made the decision to not completely Block and Walk. Figure out why you left that door open and you'll have more clarity.
You know in your heart of hearts that you don't want xAP; but, what DO you want - what need are you trying to fill - and why are you going about getting it in this obviously self-destructive, stressful, painful way? You're perpetuating a very icky pattern of dealing with your demons and the only way you're going to stop it is by, well, STOPPING IT.
Be strong. Be determined. Be focused. The real, true, deep-down beautiful YOU deserves a lot better than this and the treatment you've been subjecting her to.
I'm sorry you've done this to yourself and I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. I have faith that you'll come out the other side once you commit to it.
xo
Dee
Hi PK,
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That really says it all doesn’t it? Haven’t you been running for a long time?
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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