OH DEAR GOD

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
OH DEAR GOD
14
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:01am

Hi Everyone,


I'm sorry for my absence in the past few days.


I've been very confused, muddled up and lost. With nowhere to turn to. I've been talking with XAP - who has completely ended marriage and wants a life with me. My feelings are so strong for him that I want to go through with this, but logic is telling me that it's the wrong thing to do. That I would be miserable, that my H is the best person for me.


I'm in the fog again, and I don't know what to do. I want to be free from this, but can't help but feel responsible for wanting this all along and now it's here, I'm freaking out.


Was I doing well with NC? Yes, but emotionally I was a wreck and lost and depressed, now I'm confused, and fighting with logic and a foggy heart. I dunno what to do.


I feel like I've let everyone down, including myself. Oh God... what will I do?


I can't focus on anything right now, including the work I've just got. Which leads me to think, how good is a relationship that sucks your focus from all else?


PK... how are you all doing?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 3:10pm

Hi Empowerment, I've been through all this, and everything you say is true, everything everyone says is true, and now I feel lost in the fog all over again.


I don't know if I'm foolish to believe him, probably. I don't know if I want to leave for him either.


T is my next step, and employment. To be honest, the whole A, pre NC, during NC and post NC, sucked ambition out of me. This I know is not a good way to feel when you're 'supposedly' in love with anyone.


I need to go through NC pain again. I know. Ok. I'll do it.


If he wants me, it will have to be when divorce papers are filed, and he's in his own place. I can't trust him, if I'm reading here that the chances of him going back are huge.


2009 me would hate 2010 me.


PK

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 3:34pm

2009 me would hate 2010 me.


I had this thought about myself today - I'm hoping 2011 me would hug us both and congratulate us for making it through.


jump in the boat and paddle away from the fog - it sucks - but pain lets us know we're alive under all the lies and deciet.


hang in there.

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 4:09pm


"I'm hoping 2011 me would hug us both and congratulate us for making it through"

I can't wait to be celebrating with you! Yes - but let's not just hope it, but make it happen!

PKU - waiting with open arms.

Come on!

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 5:54pm

PK- You've received some really solid advice from some people who saved my life. None of us can make this decision for you, though. This is all on you. I urge you to re-read the advice you've been given. I urge you to re-read everything in the healing library. I urge you to do nothing in regards to xap besides block and walk. We've told you before, but you cannot make a decision about your M until you are completely out of the fog. So, now is the time to put in the work so you can reach real happiness.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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