Oh gawd...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Oh gawd...
17
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 7:25pm
So I thought I was doing ok. He’s told everyone just now that by June he will either be going to another job here or another job with a different company downtown. I was doing ok, so why do I now feel like crying? I’ve been ok for these past few days, and now I feel like I want to cry my eyes out and chase him down in the parking garage and beg him not to leave me. I hate this so much. I know all the stuff that I’ve said but it’s not what I feel. I want to be with him. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to never see him again which is what will happen. He’s only been in my life since June. Gawd, I feel like I'm back at square one :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 7:32pm

I have no real words of wisodmt. I have fallen off the recovery path as well but tomorrow is another day. June is a long ways off. Lots can happen by then. Try not to focus on that but rather takimg each day as it comes.

Big Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: txfallon
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 8:13pm

So after I go to the bathroom to cry my eyes out over this (a bit of an overreaction even to myself, but a real reaction nonetheless), I get back to my desk and I have an IM where he says that he was just kidding, that he's not really leaving. And so does it suck that I'm relieved?

Him: I think believes me that I'm leaving bwahahahaha
Him: Cuz I know you do
Me: Do you have any idea what that does to me when you say stuff like that? It affects me a lot differently than anyone else. It's pretty cruel of you really. I guess I shouldn't care.
Him: How was I supposed to know that? I was just trying to have some fun with and you

Edited 3/8/2005 8:15 pm ET ET by txfallon (to change coworker name)




Edited 3/8/2005 8:33 pm ET ET by txfallon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 8:31pm

fallon,

if u live your life for him, the relationship will falter

if u live your life for yourself, the relationship will foster

i know its hard, this might be what u need to move on

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:51pm

You know, I was going to post that he said it just to see if he would get a reaction out of you. Just another one of his sick little ploys to upset you. Guess I would have been right.


I know you still have feelings for him and I know you wish things could be different, but the truth is...he's a player and loves it when you play right into his hands. He is so not worth the heartache that you are allowing him to give you. As difficult as this is, please try to see the situation for what it really is....a lost cause. You deserve so much more....

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:07am
txfallon
I believe your xMM is a sociopath or has narsisstic personality disorder. "i am leaving...just kidding..bawhahahah"!??!! I used to chalk this up to the "lil boy syndrome"or "big ego syndrome"...ummm there are real psychiatric terms for this kind of behavior. Please look up the definitions of these disorders on the internet TODAY and read the 20 or so symptoms of either. If he matches most of these...bingo there is your answer and you can see why you are not crazy but just perhaps vunerable and you can also see HOW CRUEL HE IS AND NOT NORMAL AND LOVING.
I heed anyone who is feeling wierd about how behaviors are just not "normal" to do so.
TODAY/ We all know someone who is sociopathic..some are greater degrees than others...from the crumugeon old neighbor who is anti-social (not very harmful) to the coward MM who sits on a fence and lies to someone who is sometimes cruel with being critical inappropriately (like mine was very subtley and only twice yet it was after being intimate...quite wierd and then i watched him display other symptoms later on...) ...to the wife beater..to Scott Peterson or Jim Jones...different degrees...but some get to the point of being toxic and harmful as you can see
Lizzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:18am
Ladies,
If you spend enought time on the internet you can diagnose your ex, yourself and probably even your dog with some sort of personality disorder. (narcissitic, sociopathic, borderline etc..etc) Stop placing blame on someone else and take a look at yourself. What are your flaws? It takes two to have an affair. The fact of the matter is not what he does, or how he is but what you let him do to you. If you keep letting someone take advantage of you then they probably will.
~nutt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: txfallon
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:37am
I don't think he is a sociopath or anything weird like that. He likes to tease a lot, though. When I think about it, I don't think he was doing it specifically for me, or to hurt me, or anything like that. Our A hasn't been brought up by him in a month. He is respecting my decision to end things. It's just me that has been having the hard time getting over it and I keep hanging on to it. It just affected me when he said that because I think I was more emotional that day and the thought of him being completely out of my life just hurt a lot. Seriously, when I think about this rationally and not emotionally, he's not doing anything at all regarding this R - it's over for him. I'm just the one who keeps it alive in my head. Once I get through this and get over it, I will be fine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:57am
txfallon,
It's hard not to keep it alive and kicking in your head. I spent alot of time obsessing over what we had or didn't have. Over everything that had happened and how it all played out. I spent weeks playing the could have, should have, would have game. I even read all of the links to narcissistic personality disorders and had him pegged. But then I realized I was just as much of a narcissist as he may or may not be. Or, whatever. I am disordered also. I am a liar, I want attention from men other than my husband, I used him as much as he used me. I just played out the situation differently then him. We are all flawed and disordered in some way I think.
You will get over this. It does take time and tears and alot of self analysis. I still don't know if or when I will ever be free of all of the thoughts still in my head. But I have stopped adding to my pain. So that is a start.
Good luck to you.
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:22am

hi nut,

u are right, we are all LIERS here, wwe lie to our love ones, our friends and most specially to ourselves

love, lies , a deadly mix, im just like everyone else here , i think of all the "if" ,"what could have", im a stupid fool, not a romantic fool, just plain stupid

and right now im fooling my mind and my heart , thinking that it was love, i could be love before and those memories will be with me/us forever but in time i think we will be sick when we remember them

we all make mistakes in life, bad things happened to good people, whatever we think we justify if our affair is righ tor wrong , its our personal choice, our minds and hearts get clouded

sorry im upset tonite

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 11:50am
Maxypoo,
Hey there sunshine! You are not STUPID. We all are capable of having feelings for another person. When I first started my A with XOM I thought that we had this deep "connection". And that love would conquer all. Me and him against the world! Now when I hear that it makes me want to puke. But I still believe in love and romance and all that jazz.
Everything happens for a certain reason. I think things tend to unfold because of everything we do. Yeah, we all lied/cheated and were dirty rotten scoundrels, but we were capable of giving something a chance. Taking that chance to share a part of ourselves with another person. Whether it is emotionally, or pysically. It doesn't make it right that I cheated on my H, but I realize that everyone makes mistakes and does stupid sh*t sometimes. And I need to just look at it as a lesson learned. I like what you said >>>>"our minds and hearts get clouded"<<<<< That is so true.
Hang in there my friend. It has to get better sometime.
~nuttmeg

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