oh how I miss him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
oh how I miss him
8
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 5:03pm

Wow today has been a tough day. I'm at work and it's been a slow day, no one sick today. I've been thinking about him all day. I miss him. I miss him calling me and making me happy. I miss him texting my phone to say he loves me. Tonight one of our mutual friends is having a party before going to the club and it would have been nice to be able to go with him there. I'm going so I'm sure he won't be there. We used to talk about going to the club together and how much fun it would be. His W never liked to go, she doesn't dance and she hates crowds. She would always watch him like a hawk. Can't blame her, he would wonder off easily and without her catching him somehow.
i miss the way he smells and talks and the things we used to talk about. He would tell me he loved me and it felt so real. He hasn't tried to talk to me since we split on Jan 1 so I guess he really doesn't have any feelings for me but at the time it felt like he did. Don't get me wrong, just b/c I miss him doesn't mean I would go back to him. I don't want to be sad like that again. I just miss him. I miss looking forward to seeing him when I go home and talking to him. I know all the stuff about the affair was bad but he did have some good qualities and he really made me happy in some weird sense of happiness.
Today and other times too, I wonder if our paths will ever cross. I wonder if he'll be a different man. He said he felt like he could really be himself with me, told me many times. I didn't get all misty eyed about it, I said that was good and moved on. So why did he tell me he didn't know who he was when he was with me? Why was he so afraid of change? Why is he so political and worry about what others think of him? It drives me crazy. How could he ever think he'd be happier going back to his W, especially after everything that was said and done between them? How could she ever love him and HOW in the World could he ever love her again? One day when he was renting a house, I stayed over but hide my car down the road. She went driving by like she always did and we saw her, she saw my car. She came back to the house. She knocked on the door, said the baby wanted to see his dad. His son couldn't talk yet at this time. We didn't go to the door, it would have been bad. So we stayed away from the windows and waited. She went to her van several times, then she came back and walked around all the windows knocking on them, saying to her son in her arms, 'say knock knock, dad is hiding from you. He doesn't want to see you. say knock knock, dad let me in, I know you are there.' As she walked away from the house she kept saying to her son that he didn't want to see him. Yes he was hiding but the situation would have been more horrible for him to see if he had let her in the house. They had agreed that all visits would be planned. They both agreed so that she wouldn't have to show up and see me there. She agreed she didn't want to see me there and then she does this. She didn't even call ahead b/c down inside she wanted to see me there. He sat there as she went around the house and he was almost sick, he said look at what she is doing to my son. I'll never forgive her. He was wrong for having the affair but please doing this is wrong No? Anyway, we could have been happy but he gave up on us before we had a chance. I hope these blues go away. Tomorrow will be a new day. Thanks for listening. Please don't be too harsh, I'm quite sensitive right now for some reason.
LilRocket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 8:24pm

hey rocket,

stop thinking of the "if" and u cant keep of thinking of what he is doing or else u will go nuts, i admit i do it too but now i kind of tired of it, i went out of the house today and it got me distracted

rent a funny movie, u said u are going out with your friends, maye go to another club, anyways im running out of ideas, tonite im going to cook myself some steak so i can eat realy good

i know its hard , but it gets better in time and its of us i guess will deal with it differently

of topic, what kind of work do u do? do u work with MM ? r u single ? , just wanna refresh my memory

take care,max

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 9:00pm
I miss OM As well. Somedays I do just fine and he hardly crosses my mind, other days I miss how he used to call me and tell me the sweetest things how he would tell me he loved me and all of that mushy stuff. Then, however I remember how he hurt me, how he lied to me and how raw the pain was.
I loved my OM and I will always have a special place in my heart for him but the truth is he was a negative energy in my life and now that he is gone I feel so much freedom. I feel balanced again.
It took me awhile to get over him but the other day one of my co-workers told me how good it was to here me laugh again. It was then that I realized how bad my A brought me down. I think I'm finaly moving on , each day I let go of him a little bit more.
It gets better, i truly believe that God sends people in our lives for many reasons, some are for us to love, some are for us to learn things about ourselves and some we just learn a lesson from.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 10:16pm

yeap, we all miss our OM/OW, MM/MW but as far as i can tell we have more pain than happiness while we were with them

as far as my experience is, i have more heartache than happiness, i used to be in the "affair" boards and i went back and looked at my post and oh boy, i been miserable for months already

this too shall pass, i cant wait till i cannot feel what i feel now, that i can be happy with myself, that i dont need anyone to be happy, its my goal right now

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:28pm

I'm in that boat too! All aboard! When I think about everything, I feel that only one month and a half out of the entire time we were together (about 5 months) was actually very happy and perfect. Everything else was him feeling guilty about leaving his wife and son (just turned two) and he had his mom urging him to move back home and not break up his family. I don't understand how someone can stay married when they've only been married for about 2.5 years and have been separated multiple times during that (once while she was still pregnant with their son which was right after they got married - married b/c she got pregnant).

I think that I had hope for us b/c I know of people (in my own family) who married the one that they were involved with during their divorce and they are still together years later. There is my cousin's dad who married the woman that he was dating during his divorce (they've been together about 20 years now), and there is my sister's first husband who is still married to the woman that he was with during their divorce (they've been together about 10 years now). So with that, I thought that if I stood by him and with him while he was getting divorced that we could work out. But instead of getting divorced, he moved back home - he says it's because he missed his kids and not for her, and I halfway or want to believe that, but also don't think that his wife would have him there for 4 mos now with a loveless, sexless, non-marriage full of fighting. But maybe that's just b/c I can't imagine anyone accepting that.

I just have to accept that it's over and is never going to be what he promised me all those times...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 1:54am
single and I work with MM and I'm a paramedic. I'm the highest ranking medic in my area so transferring is out of the question. I'd never get approved. i'm the only P3 here. he's a P2, one level below me. yes single, a guy that has shown interest and is single didn't make a move tonight. oh well
LilRocket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 3:05am

go for it girl, u must be 3 hrs ahead of me, maybe u should get your ACLS re-cert, i was trained for it in the military b4, as a medic also

nite rocket, sleep well and eat well also

maax

still watching TV

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 1:57pm

ACLS? I have it among other certifications. I'm better today. Just a long day at work yesterday. I think I'm going to bring some weights at work and maybe my trampoline to do some exercise on. I get so bored then my mind wonders. I'm never bored at home, I keep busy no problem. Now that we have online at work I'm at the computer looking up ways to get over MM. Last night at the club was fun. I needed that so bad. We were a big crowd and that was nice. Met some people (all girls :( and it was a good time.
So you were a medic or trained as a medic in the military? That would be awesome to do. I'd love to do that. Interesting, if you get bored and want to share about that let me know, I'd love to hear about it.
LilRocket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 2:29pm

i used to be in the military, trained as medic for my squad of 9 men among my other duties

anyways, u can have fun without guys u know, just have plain fun with girls, got to let go , i know its hard but u can do it

btw, i joined the military to go to college but on the way i get to learn all kinds of good and bad things too, not for everyone i would say but at that time it was my best choice, they brainwash u into not being scared and react accordingly to your instincts but this A has not prepared me for it all

keep busy,

max