Oh my god..do I need the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Oh my god..do I need the support!
8
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:47pm
Ok, long story short! I was in an unhappy marriage and wanting to get out in the next 2 years. Well low and behold I met this wonderful guy who schmoozed his way into my life. We had so much in common terrible in-laws, spouses that don't appreciate us, doing it all for everyone and no one caring about us!! It's been a great 6 months!! We have had our ups and downs. During all this with his help I developed strength to get out of an abusive and controlling marriage and now going through a divorce. In the mean time, his wife suspected something and didn't catch us but questioned and he admitted to kissing me. Which confuses me since he had constantly directed me in all the do's and don'ts. Now here is his history. He has done this once before. But he has been honest about the other affair and that it was years and years ago. His wife knew about it, he moved out for a while but came back. And then now she knows about us, I rec'd the stay away call, but she did file for seperation but now is changing her mind and he feels stuck. He says if it wasn't for all the debt, and the kids, and the mental breakdown of his wife he would leave. We have tried to end this before but have such a connection!! Well last week we met had a wonderful time together and then I didn't hear from him for 4 days. Then he called yesterday and was extremely nasty to me. saying how he has so much on his plate. I said I was worried something happened to him since I didn't here from him and he bit my head off. So then he says he will call me today and guess what all day and no call!

I can't take the hurt anymore of waiting for a call that never comes. And how could I be so dumb?? I know he isn't going to leave his wife and I can't take this type of rejection after an abusive relationship that is continuing in divorce nightmare. I just wish he would call and I would work up the strenght to say goodbye. Or just not call me again because depending on his mood...it's walking on egg shells all over again. It went from a great fantastic thing to heart wrenching...can anyone help me through this please??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:20pm
Does it help to know that someone else (me) is going through the same thing?

I am trying to focus on other things. I know that I HAVE to leave him and all of this alone. Otherwise, I am only prolonging the misery. We have to go on, and even though there are times during the day (about once every 2 minutes or so) that we yearn so badly for their voice or their touch we MUST stay away.

I am sure that time is our only remedy. Knowing that other people have gotten through this and found happiness is the only solace at the moment.

Time has to pass to heal. If you keep contacting him, you erase all of the healing that time has created. It is easier said than done, but this is the only way. I keep reading here for support and sometimes to pass the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:32pm
I can't thank you enough for responding. You are right...it was 4 days and he didn't call and then I was fine even left the cell phone in the car for 4 hours. Then I got in see he called and boom was sick and excited all at once. Every time I get close to getting over him he calls. Then Last night when I called him back expecting to be woo'd he totally was crappy to me. Going on and on how hard his life is. Well listen here buddy I am going through an ugly divorce with a controlling ex, working 2 jobs now, and raising 2 kids while living now with my parents...and on top of if all listen to you cry how you are stuck in your marriage and it's easier for me than it is for him since I have family to back me. Well, obviously his little line of "how there is 2 roads in life and he takes the one travel at your own risk" was a big bs!!

I am still happy I left my husband, I knew that I wasn't doing it for him, would of it been nice in a make believe world absolutely. Which is what he would always tell me...in a make believe world we would be together forever. Well, hello wake up girl...reality setting in. Can you believe 4 days of not calling and then nasty at all get out to me last night and then said he would call today and then never call?? Also his bday is fast approaching and I know he will be calling when it get's closer being all nice. And I feel guilty if I don't do anything for him because he did something nice for me on my bday. It's so hard because he was such a support system in me leaving my abusive husband, he mad me feel worthy again. But now I have to learn how to do that on my own without a MAN!!

hugs and thanks for listening! We can get through this!! Right/?!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:38pm
Hi Startingover,

It sounds as if you have made a lot of progress with your life in getting out of an abusive controling unhappy marriage. This is a positive step for you it seems, so don't let this MM bring you down and bring you back into another controling relationship.

You don't need this weak manipulating MM in your life now or in your future which could be so good.

My A and the circumstances surrounding it were somewhat different from what you describe for yourself, but my XMM was very manipulating and controling. I thought for so long that he and I had so much in common, but I eventually relized that he was using me for his own self centered purposes. Don't let this happen with you.

You have had the strength to start a new life for yourself. Turn to your true friends and family for support during this time and have the wisdom and patience to find the truly right man who will treat you the way you deserve and know that you should be treated. It sure doesn't seem like MM is the one. Don't waste any more time on him.

I know it is hard to separate yourself from him. Truly, I do know that, but just think of your future and each day that goes by, you will come to see him for what he truly is and you will get stronger.

Stay away from him. Let yourself heal with those who really care and love you, then go forward.

Keep posting and reading with this board. It does help.

Be strong.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:47pm
Thank you! And you are so right!! I sat there last night thinking I can't believe this, he may actually be worse then my ex and this is the crap I know he has pulled on his wife for 19 years. God Bless her for dealing with it. He is really good at playing the game. He tried to break it off last week and then when I was upset he took back the phone and said I just can't believe how easy it is for you to say goodbye to a man. You just accepted it like that. Well what else did he expect? I said was this a test and he said yes. I just think what is he thinking now...and the 4 days he didn't call when he said he would. And then when I say I was concerned he was hurt or something he yells and says "god why does everyone want me dead". I am beginning to wonder what the hell I got myself into. He was sooo worried about me being the one to get caught but then he just goes and admits it right away to his wife. And then he tell me how she pops zoloft pills left and right. And then when I make a comment about having to be with a wife that's not normal and I understand he states "she is normal she just is fighting for her man". I don't care how much he denies it I think he gets a kick out of 2 women fighting over him. But he states he doesn't need this type of women trouble.

But what I need to do is not crumble when I hear his voice...I need to be strong and really tell him how I feel. Instead I just tell him how wonderful he is and how much I love him. But boy is I say I missed him for not calling he gets all mad!! I guess time will help and yes your right I do deserve better everyone keeps telling me that!! I better start listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:49pm
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT contact him or even think about getting him anything for his birthday.

I know this has been said before, but have you read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"? It is EXCELLENT for all women to read. It is empowering. Mostly to keep hearing the author say, "you are worth a phone call. You are worth it, but don't waste yourself on someone who isn't really there!" And the book is right!

I have shown my BEST of everything to my OM. He tells me how busy he is. How much he needs to spend time with school and kids and friends. I could understand the kids and school, but he has PLENTY of time to call me. To spend a few hours a WEEK with me. I have given him cards, baked him food, talked up his ego, wasted time sitting by the phone and checking my emails! WASTED time. We only have so much time in this world as it is and I think someone needs to kick me in the head!!!

Why am I STILL giving my waking thoughts to a man who is just "too caught up with stuff" to think about me. I am being strong. I will not email. I am going out this weekend and staying busy is the best thing! Smile even when you feel like crying. It almost is starting to feel good that I DON'T have to wait around for him to call. I DON'T have to wonder if I will see him this weekend. I won't. It's sad in a way but I deserve to be chased. I deserve to have the attention poured on me.

He know how great I am. If he wanted me, he wouldn't have let me go. DON'T let this man have anymore of you than he got already. PLEASE!!!!! There are good men out there. Good men who will make you feel good. Who will call when they say they will. Who will call because they WANT to hear your beautiful voice. Who will rush to your side and be kind to you. We are BOTH too good for this kind of treatment.

Hold your head up. Listen to "up" music. Dance or workout! Endorphins are YOURS when you want them. You deserve better...you deserve to get what you give and you aren't getting that back. Find someone else (even yourself) who deserves it!

As Buddha says: "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection"!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:59pm
Thank you for your powerful message. You have me in tears right now. Because I dream of a man calling me, begging for time from me. I never had that. That is why my marriage of 12 years was so unhappy because I pushed him into marrying me at such a young age to get out of a home that was constant fighting. I just don't understand how a man can say so many sweet things, and say how they will never hurt you, and how you are so much more to them then just a mistress and then "oh well to busy to call". Doesn't he realize the heart ache he is causing me? Does he not care?? I guess not...my x if he only knew i was going through all this he would laugh in my face. That is the one magical thing about this A my x never found out. So if I can be strong enough, those moments, the tender times, the times he did help me through will be mine to keep without my x saying I knew it wasn't me it was because of him etc.!!

This my chance...I need to break free and start a life over for my two kids. But I pray someday they can see their mommy being treated with respect and love. True love...I can't imagine what it would be like to have someone wondering why I haven't called. My x would do that but just for control reasons not just to hear my voice, he hated my voice he would say it was too squeaky but that's another issue of insults. Funny though this MM is so jealous of my family just like my X. I guess cuz he doesn't have a loving, supportive family he hates me for it!!

I higher power has let me find this site because as I cry in tears I know it will be hard to say goodbye to a man that I believed he truly did care and truly loved me really doesn't, obviously or he would of found 5 minutes of his day to call right?? Thanks for your help!! I need it right now!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:11pm
Startingover,

Your MM sounds like he's a real disaster. Don't let him make your future a disaster too. You have your chance at something good for yourself so go for it and it isn't that MM.

Make him XMM, please.

Champaigne is right. There are good men out there. Hold out for the good one for yourself.

So many of us have been in that place where we gook second or third or last place to everything else in XMM's life and we put up with it just to hear them occasionally say those sweet things they can say or take a few moments on occasion to pay us a little attention, but it isn't worth it. I'm sure you know that.

True posted a few weeks ago with an excellent posting about fantasy verses reality. I can't recall the exact title of it, but youmight look through postings from about two or three weeks ago and find it. It is very good food for thought.

Have no further contact with this MM who is such a mess in his own life. You don't need him in yours.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:55am
"He says if it wasn't for all the debt, and the kids, and the mental breakdown of his wife he would leave."

I wish I had a nickle for every time I've heard someone here say that their MM gave them a similar story. I heard it from mine. And its complete b-s. If they really loved us, they would leave...but they don't really love us.

That doesn't mean we're not loveable. But A's are not normal relationships, so the normal rules don't apply.

We all deserve to have 100% of the person we're with, not some half-assed part he only gives when its convenient for him. I think as women we're trained to be nurturing and put up with a lot from our partners...but we have to realize that we need and deserve better.

You will find someone who will take care of you and love you unconditionally. But it isn't this guy. So the sooner you move on, the sooner you'll find a true man.