Oh no, Oh no, NO!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Oh no, Oh no, NO!!
11
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 9:28am

He called already twice!! He leaves me these msg's and he sounds so hurt and depressed. He keeps saying that he loves me and does not wnat to lose me or what we have.

I DON'T want to hear it, I want to SEE it and it's impossible to see it NOW, even IF (and boy is that a HUGE IF!!) it were true, that he will finally do what he needs to do, it needs to be for him. Not because he is losing me.

Geez, I'm confused....I hate this....I miss him soooo much but I can't handle this....When will he stop calling? On the last message he said that he is not "disrespecting" my wishes, that he feels that I am walking away because I think it's what's best for him.....he said that "I" am what's best for him. That he is not doing this for me, but that he found courage within himself through me? Free, BS or what? Sadly, I believe him, he has been in such an emotional struggle with his M for so long. I don't know.....

OH, all this "assuming" of how I feel, he doesn't even know how bad it really is.....YES part of me feels it's best for him. He needs time to figure out what he wants and he is going for a huge promotion and he hasn't even concentrated on studying for the exam he needs to take for it. There is so much he needs to handle, I can not be a distraction to him, he has a lot at stake here. OH NO, see, I'm back to worrying about him!!

Did I say that I hate this? Did I say how much I am completely connected to him in every way? Did I say that I need to stop hoping? Did I also say how I always have this urge to "save" him when he is in pain? Who is saving me?

Well, I'll sit here and drive myself nuts all day. Not good, have a ton of work to do and for the first time, I don't feel like drowning in it....

Thanks for letting me vent.....
^^Bunny^^

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
In reply to: doves6
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:02am

Doves,

I hate to say this but the way your xMM is acting is not about love. If he truly loves you, he will leave you alone and let you do what you've told him over and over that you need to do. He is hurting you so much and that is not love. If he truly loves you, he wants you to be happy, even if that's without him.

I had to face up to that hard lesson myself. I let my xMM go, because I was not contributing to his overall happiness. I realized I was serving as a bandaid for the rest of what's wrong in his life (and vice versa obviously), and he was never going to make any long-term changes for his own benefit as long as I stayed in the picture. I love him too much to see him so unhappy and so conflicted. He feels the same way about me. Above all, he wants me to be happy. So, I know he loves me and he knows I love him, but we're done torturing each other. I want what we've had to remain about love and support, not about pain.

Summer

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