Oh, okay, yeah. He's back in my head.
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| Tue, 06-08-2010 - 8:54pm |
Ugh! I was sailing along oh so smoothly and then today *BAM* he is in my head again. I am almost 2 weeks NC and I found myself thinking about emailing him today. Now, I did NOT email him and I do not plan on doing so. I was just thinking about doing it. The whole "I wonder what he is doing? What is he doing? Does he miss me?" thing.
I know some people try to avoid thinking about them all together, but for me, that makes the stress of it much worse. So I think about it and remember what I loved about it. There were maybe like 10 moments in 3 years that I loved. So after I allow myself to feel that, I think about when he didn't call me after saying he would. I think about how he would make everything about him. I would ponder the fact that half the time I tried to be his "friend" he would just ignore me. All from a man who said he loved me. I think about how THAT made me feel. I cannot even count the moments that I loathed! So the cons definitely outweigh the pros. I also think about his ugly feet...that one helps a lot! I have a thing with feet. It took me YEARS to wear open toe shoes! Anyway.....
So strange how he is back in my head now. I don't even think it's him so much that I miss. I really think what I miss is how it made me feel. How those 10 wonderful moments made me feel. How that chemical release feels flowing through my body. Just like any drug, you forget about how bad you feel when it's not there, but focus on the high. The Affair is no different.
I do sometimes wish there was a way for us to have stayed friends. 17 years is a long time to know someone. 17 years always thinking about the other. However, if we were meant to be, or I really did want a relationship with him, there was plenty of time during those years to have acted on it. He wanted it...I always seemed to be the one to back away. I now know there is no way for us to ever be friends. The craziest thing is, if we were never romantic with each other, I don't think he is someone I would have ever befriended. So why do I wish for us to stay friends? I can see now that is most likely the addiction talking.
Ahhhhh, I feel better now! Thank you for reading if you read this!

IJM,
<< I don't even think it's him so much that I miss. I really think what I miss is how it made me feel.>>
You are spot on with this, honey. Affairs are all about the ego feedings that we gave one another more than about the actually person who supplies them. If you have already accepted this, then you are well on your way to healing.
I'm happy you came here to share your feelings with us. This is what the board is for. It's perfectly normal for them to rent space in our heads and with you only being 2 weeks out, you are doing remarkably well. The loss of a 17 year friendship has to be very painful, but you are right about not being able to continue the friendship. I have known my XMM for 21 years, and even though we still work together, the friendship took the hardest blow. There's no going back to the way it used to be once we have crossed that forbidden line.
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Actually it's important to acknowledge our feelings, and not ignore them or shove them down. It's when we act on them that gets us in trouble. We suggest the 15 minute rule where you sit with your thoughts for that amount of time and then say, "Okay, that's it for today." ;-) Of course you may have a few 15 minute time outs during the day, but as long as you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, throw some cold water on your face and get about your day, eventually those time outs won't be needed as much. The pain and memories do fade away but this will take time and patience.
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Good for you, IJM. Come here anytime and post, especially if it will make you feel better. I can only hope the members here read *all* threads because there is always something that can be learned.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
IJM,
You are experiencing the normal cycle of grief. It will get better each day. You already did a wonderful thing by resisting the temptation to email him. Good for you!!! That did take strength, did it not? But you did it and I am so proud of you. Each day you will get stronger and stronger and the urges to contact him will subside. I like that you spent some time thinking about the things you liked and discovered it really wasn't "HIM" you liked so much as the way he made you "FEEL." Big difference between the two, huh?
Two days ago