Oh that was sooooo hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Oh that was sooooo hard
13
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 3:20am

Hi all

So Im about 7 weeks in I think. Im still having a hard time but getting there. I went away this weekend with girlfriends and we went to a city that I used to go to with exAP for naughty trips away. It was bizarre, strangely my gf's and I did a few things that had us in the same area where exAP and I used to walk hand-in-hand, whispering loving nothings to each other (UGH).

So I knew where we were going, prepraed myself, even kept reminding myself of negative things about being away with exAP. BUT its was soooooo hard! Far out! I really struggled keeping my mind in the present and not wandering back to those days.

One thing that kept me in check was reminding myself that our little trips away were basically made of three components. Me stroking his ego. Me wondering what the hell I could say better/do better. Me performing sexual acts that he wanted and in the way he wanted. I realised that our trips away were really just the times when I took my prostitution act on the road :) It was my tour de force :)

So that was a bit better- having a tangible yukky thought. But still- needing some love tonight- my trip away thsi wekend was so wonderful with my friends but very hard when it comes to my NC journey.

Baby steps.......

Iggy xxx

You are what you consistently do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 5:28am

Hi i am getting stronger,

Seven weeks no contact is great and good for you for recognizing what those memories were actually about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 8:56am

Oh, goodness Iggy. I can totally relate to what you just went through.

Thinking about the prostitution road show was a

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 9:16am

"One thing that kept me in check was reminding myself that our little trips away were basically made of three components. Me stroking his ego. Me wondering what the hell I could say better/do better. Me performing sexual acts that he wanted and in the way he wanted. I realized that our trips away were really just the times when I took my prostitution act on the road :smileyhappy: It was my tour de force"

***

YES YES YES!

Iggy, what incredible insights! That's what these affairs are made of - you've got it.

I would also like to add in that all that illicit sex in the back of cars, motels, office floors, office desks, oh and office whatevers, those quickies that seem soooooo exciting because they are oh so ^wrong*

it isn't about breaking all the funky cultural taboos that have us feeling bad about all sex all the time that isn't with a monogamous partner, missionary style.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 9:40am
Dont mean to hijack, but yes, TU, it is very difficult right now going through the "this time last year" phase. I have moments where I think I "miss" him and the butterflies I got when being with him sooooo badly that I think I might cave. Then I ACTIVELY MAKE THE EFFORT to replace those false feelings with the very real feelings that I have my authentic self back. No one is controling me and my feelings (will I hear from him today?? p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c) except myself. I am the one who gets to decide what kind of mood I'm going to be in and what positive (or negative) steps I'm gonna take today. It's all about me.

Iggy, it's all about you, too, and you are seeing that! Whew. Thank goodness for this forum.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 11:47am

Hi Iggy,

Hugs to you but also congratulations that you made the effort to look at it in reality and not fantasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 12:55pm

Oh, Iggy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 6:12pm

Hi Iggy!

Bravo for you for being strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 10:01pm

WOwsers

I can relate to this post. Man oh man...I went to MIA one time with exAP...the one I had a choice in and knew about. We had a wonderful three nights in MIA. A lot of great hotel sex. Ate breakfast in bed, it was such a fantasy.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Sun, 10-31-2010 - 10:51pm

Iggy, there's an e-mail from me in your inbox :)

I just wanted to post here as well and say that I am so happy to see how you have grown more strong and more peaceful. Your first posts were full of despair, and now they are so calm. Quite an inspiration. This weekend I had to go back to the place where I met XAP and it really bit. So I can imagine how tough this must have been for you. How amazing then that you came through with such powerful insight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 11-01-2010 - 7:10am

Oh you guys are the absolute best! Thank you so much for all your responses.

Someone asked if my friends knew- no nobody knows so this journey has been solo. But thankfully not lonely- thanks to you guys :)

Thank you to BD for saying I seem more peaceful- Im not sure about that- but thats a lovely thing to say. I definately feel less anxious about it all- but still so frigging sad about it. When does that stop??

I dunno- this whole thing is still so hard and so fresh. I have stopped obsessing- thats for sure.

You are what you consistently do

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