Ok both feet

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Ok both feet
6
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 3:44pm
I've been struggling for the past few weeks as some of you may know I've read enough to know I'm in a fog but I keep coming back to end it....i know it is truly the only way I'm going to end up happy.

I'm scared I dont know how to live w/o this man I dont even know what to do with myself my whole day revolves around him and it has for 5 plus years I'm so occupied with him what he is doing what his wife is doing etc my own life is passing me by.

I probably need t and I hope I can find one that works for me.

I think right at the moment I'm in shock I'm not crying but I know that will come I wish I could stay the way I feel right now for awhile until indifference comes.

I pray this is the last valentines day I spend any energy on that man and this is the last time anything makes me feel like I am less than.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 4:08pm

Looking 4 Happy-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 4:18pm
I'm not even sure I'm miffed about him doing nothing (btw he sent a oh happy v day text on his way home for the day ) it is just one more thing in a series of things that I've "seen" for what they are lately instead of making excuses.
I've known for awhile this needs to end but I guess I wasn't ready to the point of seeing him fri which I now really regret cuz I was three weeks out of physical.
I want to be free...want to be happy...want this monkey off my back.
I sent a short email told him I was done asked him to please not respond that there was nothing else to say.. Part of him knows this was coming I've been fairly honest about where my head has been
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 4:38pm

Awww, sweetie, I am holding you tight right now. I know how much it hurts. I've watched you bouncing around and I know how badly you want to stop hurting. The only way that is going to happen is for you to end this madness. You have given five years of your life to a man who isn't ever going to be with you. It hurts to realize that, I know. I think you have also realized that you deserve so much more from this one life you have. You are the only one who can change your direction. I am so happy that you have made this commitment. It takes more strength than many people can ever understand. But we at EAS do understand because we've all BTDT and there are a heck of a lot of success stories on this board. You are going to be a success story, too, if you heed the advice here.

Yes, I would highly recommend getting some therapy. We are here to support as much as we can, but a professional will help you get to your issues and will help you develop life and coping skills so that you can re-shape yourself into a healtheir woman. You deserve that and much more.

The best advice I can give you at this point is to let yourself cry. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Be gentle on yourself as you close this chapter in your life. Read as much as you can in the Healing Library, but also all over the web. You will find much insight into your motivations and as you see that most stories are the same, the fog still surrounding you will begin to lift and you will begin to understand why this was never going to work. You'll also begin to understand your role, your responsibilities to yourself and your happiness, and that you have choices in your behavior.

Post and read. I lived on EAS in the early stages. It was my lifeline. Let it be yours, too.

(((hugs)))

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 7:30pm

Hi Looking,

So glad you have decided to end the A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 10:58pm

MC said it well. You do deserve so much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 11:53pm
Welcome Looking...and I am SO very happy you are here..you've gotten great advice so far! I'll just add two things:

The pain WILL come, BUT the pain WILL go! Allow yourself to let it wash over you, cry, grieve, but then let it go. It will come less and less, and with less intensity, I promise!

Read the two threads in the Healing Library entitled Wisdom and Insights (1 and 2). These posts were so helpful for me in the early days and I hope they will be for you too.

Push through the pain, there is light at the end, and a wonderful, honest, free life. Hugs to you.