Ok, I have read a lot of threads....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Ok, I have read a lot of threads....
2
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 6:04pm
On here and have found that so many have the exact same feelings I have. Here is my story. About 4-5 years ago, my wife and I were going through some really rough times. I was not happy. About that time, a childhood friend of mine started working for the same company I work for. We work in seperate offices so we only have contact by phone. We ended up becoming friends again and I found out that she was miserable in her mariage also. One thing led to another and we started an affair. I have three kids and right from the beginning I told her that I could not leave them because I could not handle not seeing my kids everyday. So, as the time went on, we both knew that this sexual relationship was not long term but both of us thought that our feelings for each other would always be there. I felt that both of us were getting something out of our relationship because we both needed a great friend and affection from someone.

Jump ahead to 1 1/2 years ago, she decided to stay with her husband and try to make it work out. She called me one day and told me that she was pregnant. I was truely happy for her because I knew she wanted kids. I knew right away that our relationship had to change and I could no longer have a sexual relationship with her. However, from that moment on, she almost cut off all contact with me other than strictly business. One day last spring I asked her if something was wrong and she said, "We are just friends and that is how it is". I understand that but I thought we were better friends than cassual business aquaintances.

Anyway, we both really don't have an option to get different jobs. So, I decided what ever happened, I am a mature adult and can handle this. I will be a friend to her because I still care about her and I will do everything in my power to make her job and being around me as comfortable as possible.

Well, over the last 3-4 months I have noticed she is more relaxed around me. Its kind of how I would like it to be as far as our friendship. In a month however, we are scheduled to be in Orlando for a week together on business. Lots of other people from our company are going to be there. And, I have been psyching myself up to be the most mature friend/coworker I can be. Today however, she casually tells me that her husband is going to be there too. This shouldn't have any affect on me. However, it is really bothering me. First of all, I was highschool friends with him and he is not going to know anyone else there. So, guess who he is going to want to hang out with. Second of all, I almost get a feeling she is having him come because I am going to be there. So, she doesn't trust me to behave?

Its been two years since we had any inappropriate contact. Why the hell is this still bothering me. Why can't I be the mature 36 year old that I think I am and get over this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:40pm


Hi there

I don't think she asked her husband to go along on the trip because she didn't trust you to behave. I think she did it because she doesn't trust herself to behave.... and maybe a little because she doesn't trust you as well :)

I just ended my A of 2 1/2 years and will be going on an overseas business trip in a week. XOM will be there as well (we are co-workers but he recently relocated to our office in another country). I have not spoken to him for 30 days. While I miss him and look forward to seeing him, I realise that the whole set-up (overseas meeting in a hotel for one entire week) is simply not condusive for one trying to put an end to an A, especially if both parties are still hurting and missing each other. So I asked my H to come along. I generally DO NOT ask my H to come along with me on my business trips as he gets bored all too easily and I often feel guilty about neglecting him while I am busy attending to work stuff. However, I made an exception this time. Unfortunately for me, my H has to make his own business trip at the same time and is unable to accompany me.

To be honest, I am really dreading going alone. I don't know how I am going to react when I see my XOM. While I think I can be strong enough to stay away from him, I don't know what I'll do if he comes knocking on my door or if he starts pursuing me relentlessly.

So don't be so hard on your OW. It is probably a defense mechanism.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 10:55am
Well, its always nice to hear from someone in the exact same boat I am in. Thanks for your input.

What you said is probably true. I think my problem is that I have been looking at this trip as an opportunity to prove to her that she can trust me and that we can have fun together as friends and friends only. I guess I am just going to have to do that with the husband around.

This whole thing is so damn confusing. I guess what bothers me is that this whole thing shouldn't even bother me. Its been two years since we basically had any contact other than just friends.