OK LADIES. I HAVE A QUESTION 4 YOU ALL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
OK LADIES. I HAVE A QUESTION 4 YOU ALL
7
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:02am
So today is I guess more of an official "day 1" NC. Since I emailed him and told him that I had to say "Goodbye". We have done this before. Walked away only to come together again. We have tried every option. Cut back on contact, tried to just be friends, etc, etc...and of course the physical attraction is much too strong and too much has happened between us for us to just be friends. So a part of me wanted to end it before he ended it. If I was the one ending it then I dont have to deal with the rejection from him. Not very good at goodbye's or rejection. So I figured if I did it first I would feel better about it. But my God I feel miserable. I am worried about how he is feeling. His email to me yesterday was very matter of fact. Almost cold like which is not him at all. When I asked him why he was acting funny. He claimed he was trying to take the emotional out of it so to not dissuade me from my decision. Very noble of him I guess. Maybe deep down I wanted him to fight for me. Fight for the love and friendship that we found in one another. Who knows.

So I sit here today and feel miserable. And then the question that arises is:

Would it be so terrible to try to be friends or keep the contact or even continue what we were doing. Nobody knew but us. We were happy together. Would there be harm in continuing a life of lies? Was I not happier when I was talking to him? What would be the harm in it?

Crazy right? I know. But it is just so hard to know that he will not be in my life. So I know we are supposed to change certain habits to get OMM out of our minds. Well here is the problem. We communicated every day, several times a day during work hours. He and I used to work together (he was my client). He is no longer my client since he has gone to work for another company. So now there is no reason for communication but I am so used to coming to work and talking to him and emailing him. My days at work seemed so nice knowing that we would be talking. He became my best friend. I am now losing my best friend and I hate it!! I have to admit, I hate the NC rule. It sucks. I am sad w/o my best friend. I am worried of how he is feeling. I feel that maybe I did it to suddenly. Too harsh. In an email. Should we not have met?

So why am I doing this again? God give me strength. I am scared that I will never feel normal and happy again without him somehow in my life. We both know that we will never be able to share a life together. We both cant jeopordize what we have. It would be much too selfish. We both couldnt do that to our children. It just wouldnt be fair. But it was somehow nice just to share a little bit of our lives together. As immoral as it was, it did feel really nice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:20am
i have tried being friends with XMM and all it does for me is set up expectations and disappointment. I have found that i do NC, hoping it will push him back to me--which is the wrong reason to do NC, right?

He seems to be having an easier time of this than me. Let's put it this way: i doubt he is on an ending an affair board all the time like i have been.

My XMM seems to be happy with us communicating once a week or so--though i have found, he only contacts me when he needs something from me--to hash out a problem, etc.

I have decided that i am going to fully enforce NC with him in June--after the work we do together is over. It is seasonal and i have already decided i will not work with him on this project next year-tho, he already thinks i am.

I believe, the only way to end the expectation and hurt is to get these people out of our lives forever and that requires NC.

Surely, I will still be on this board again this summer, when i don't live by my words. My XMM did also become my best friend and i miss him dearly. He told me i had b/c the most iimportant person in his life too. I shared so many secrets with him.

But in time, all of this has to stop. I have to make it stop and the only way i can do that is with NC.

So, everyone remind me of that when i blow it again and feel that rush again when i hear from him and want to reach out to him.

Being friends after all of this is tough. I just don't know if it is possible.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:47am
Listen, in 5 years I've learned there ain't no going back. Believe me, we tried it. You can't go from being lovers to being just friends, it just does not work. This is like an addiction. You get your highs from talking to him every day. It's hard to stop taking a drug. That's why recovering alcoholics are never able to touch alcohol again -- you can't go from being an addict to being a casual user.

That's definitely the hardest part about all of this, accepting the finality of it all. I have to believe that if we would have had any inkling of just how hard this would be, none of us would have entered into the affairs in the first place.

Now, I will say that I do believe that *maybe* years down the road, you can be friends again. Just like you may be friends now with someone you used to date in high school. But this can never work until after you get completely over your addiction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:53am
I BELIEVE IN NC . FRIENDS JUST DOES'NT WORK WITH THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. EVERYTIME I TOLD HIM I DONT WANT TO SEE HIM AND DIDNT FOR ABOUT 2 WEEKS ,MIND YOU ON MY TERMS I SAID I DID'NT WANT TO SEE HIM AND MADE THE EFFORT I WAS FINE. HE WOULD CALL SAY HE HAD TO SEE ME BRING ME RIGHT BACK TO WHERE I WANTED TO GO BUT KNEW IT WAS WRONG.THIS TIME HE BROUGHT ME BACK AND FLAUNTED THAT HE DID FINE SOMEONE ELSE LIKE I TOLD HIM TO DO.ACTUALLY SHOUTED IT. I FEEL REJECTED AND SMOTHERED BY IT.I SENT HIM A TEXT MESSAGE THIS MORNIG CAUSE I NEW HE WAS NOT AT WORK PROBABLY WITH HER.I KNOW I'M GLAD HE DOESNT CALL OR EXCEPT MY CALL BECAUSE, WHAT START ALL OVER AND HE WOULD WANTS ME TO LEAVE H FOR HIM AND GET ALL STRESSED OUT I FEEL FREE EVEN WITH THE PAIN I FEEL. FRIENDS I DONT WANT TO BE BECAUSE I DO LOVE HIM AND FRIENDSHIP WOULD BE THE LAST THING ON MY MIND. I HURT HIM AND I KNOW BUT I 'M SO SORRY ABOUT IT BUT THANK GOD HE HAS MOVED ON I WILL TO EVENTUALLY
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:25pm
Dear Dipss: I see you're very conflicted and I can identify with that. Remember that no one is forcing you to do this but you. However, if you've made a decision that is best for everyone involved, you owe it to yourself to commit to it. Wavering aint going to help, honey. Try to surround yourself with the positive energy that what you're doing is truly honest. You've made a decision to stop living a life of lies. And yes, right now maybe you're the only 2 who know. But who knows when that luxury would come to a screeching halt?

Maybe you can view this mysterious exit as part of the romance. Give it up before your expectations exceed reality and you're left in what was bound to become an ordinary relationship (because ALL relationships do eventually become ordinary). Look at it as an exciting, secret thing that you did, keep it all to yourself, but take responsibility for where you find yourself in life today and work with that.

Everything you describe is perfectly normal under the circumstances, and I doubt that you're hurting any worse than I did when I initiated NC, or anyone else here. I spoke with my OMM every day also, most days more than once, we exchanged text messages constantly, we met for lunch and dinner 3 or 4 days a week, and the sex was mind-blowing. He supported me through some extremely difficult situations in life and for that I will always be grateful. Try to remember that people come and go in our life all the time, always for a reason. When they have fulfilled their mission, they leave our life. Prescious few are meant to stay with us forever.

Post here every time you thing you need to contact him, and remember, now repeat this after me, "Just for today I'm not going to call or e-mail him." You CAN do this. I've been in NC or about 2 months now, which probably seems like an eternity to you on Day 1 of official NC, but time does pass and you will be okay.

Love and hugs and isolation from OMM vibes coming your way!!!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:56pm


""Would it be so terrible to try to be friends or keep the contact or even continue what we were doing. Nobody knew but us. We were happy together. Would there be harm in continuing a life of lies? Was I not happier when I was talking to him? What would be the harm in it?"""

It would fail, you would be back in the affair before you now it, in time you will get found out THEN YOU WILL LEARN WHAT THE HARM IS.

NO CONTACT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:06pm
Mefreenow you make me laugh! You remind me of my sister. Tough and straight to the point. No emotional stuff with you. Just the facts. I am an emotional mush pot when it comes to love. So I think I need that "hard love" approach.

I guess we figure we will never get caught and thats why we continue in it or keep getting sucked back into it. I know the harm would be awful. I know all that.


I know NO CONTACT.

OK. and how do I do that exactly w/o suffering? hmmmmmm???...now there is a business opportunity for us all. Figure out a way for women to forget men in these times. A pill perhaps?? We could make lots of money on this you know! Then we will email them all to thank them when we are on Oprah!!! Just giving myself a little humour. But think about it...not a bad business idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:04pm
Rather than a pill...maybe we could figure out some sort of on/off switch for feelings.