Ok so this isnt about love after all!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Ok so this isnt about love after all!!!!
12
Sun, 12-27-2009 - 9:03pm
I did quite a bit of soul searching "while in Bed" been there most of today as well other than to come on here. I realized and this is a no brainer for most of you. I realized that this has to do ALOT with validation. You will kill me and believe me I did this in a moment of weakness (ok ok no excuse) I messaged him and he replied with a positive message. I got this mini thrill that lasted a whole 5 minutes. Than I felt horrible again. It is not him It is me. ! :S I seek his validation and I know obviously that it cant come from him and if it does it is from mere stolen moments! SIGH


Edited 12/27/2009 9:17 pm ET by i_believe_in_myself
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 12-27-2009 - 10:36pm

Hi Ibelieve,


You edited your post before I could reply.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 12:20am

Hi


Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 2:51am

I_Believe,

I liked your quote that we fear the unknown, so we stick with the pain. This was me for two years. I took the scraps of crap xAP threw at me, thinking this is better than being alone. But you know what? Believe it or not... being alone is better than waiting on xAP to throw you a bone.

I remember when xAP's wife gave birth, and I cannot explain to you the pain I endured. I cried all day, I was so sad. But if I were alone, I would have never been put through that pain. I wouldn't have cried myself to sleep every night. If I were alone, I would have relied on myself to make me happy. Not on xAP's phone calls.

When you separate yourself from the affair things become much more crystal clear. Then the 'real' pain hits when you realize the why and how could I have allowed a man to put me through such pain.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 5:07am

Having such a hard night..hence it is near 5am. I hold this heavy feeling with me that I cant release. I am getting knots in my stomach ??? dont know why? Lost I know what you are talking about. His LIGF just had a baby as well and that HURT me alot. Hurts me in many ways. He is going on with his life and building a family. Everytime I cry and I mean to the point where I cry dry tears (ever done that?) I think this man does not even know how I am effected by this. And if he did.. he still would not care. Sad but true. You are right if I walked out a long time ago I would have spared all those sleepless nights and the ones I am now having.

I know this goes WELL beyond HIM. Dont give this man that much credit LOL. I have deep buried issues that I am sure are the cause for my poor choices in R (referring to friendships and lovers). I was a door mat. I know that is a hard thing to say. At first I thought "oh I'm just the nice guy" well it turned out that I was just trying to please, please, please. Again that is validation!!!! I need to really love myself mind you I will be with me for a very long time LOL.

I do have to say that I did enjoy his company but it was under false pretenses on his part anyway. I have NEVER dealt with such lies in my life EVER! This is tough... so very hard. Im so sure that you understand the intensity of those crappy feelings. I felt free with this man. I felt like i could be myself. Hard to explain!

Until next time peeps! :)

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 7:06am

(((iBelieve))),


Ah, I know this well...these were/are my issues too.


You might find this helpful: http://www.abandonment.net/abando.anon.html


Check out the following book: How to avoid falling in love with a jerk by John Van Epp.


http://www.amazon.com/How-Avoid-Falling-Love-Jerk/dp/0071548424/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262001799&sr=8-1


It is possible to get a handle on this and change your future, iBelieve!


Best,


 

~TTS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 7:53am
Hi believe- Wow, did a lightbulb go off for me with this post, or what? Wow...just...wow. I've been trying to analyze myself to ask why I allowed myself to get in the a mess, but wasn't digging deeply enough. When I look back on my life's relationships, (men and friends) I've been the doormat too. I can't believe it has taken me this long to recognize that. Good grief. Validation. Not love. Validation...simple as that....the only validation you need is from yourself. I know...easier said than done. Hang in there-I'm with you! Take care- Free
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 4:46pm

Hi Ibelieve,


About the Shakespeare comment in my reply, I wasn’t making that comment to you directly and tried to address it to posters in general.


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 10:40pm

thank you for your encouragement.

It is not easy to dig. I always did this amazing jobs on masking my issues. But it has caught up with me. It is leading me in destructive living. Thank god I dont turn to drinking and drugs LOL. I would be a mess. I was just posting on other posts and I have asked some WHOA type of questions. As you know MR. XAP has moved on to another OW and as I have mentioned she is "oh so pretty" I feel intimidated by her. I am actually scared that she will get his heart. Something I have yearned for. But again.. lets get back on track.. this is about me and my own findings. Jumping back to OW.. Why am I scared that she will get his heart.. he already has someone DUH??? WOW I am starting to sound like a nutcase LOL. Funny when you type your thoughts out just how different your thoughts sound than when they stay in your head.

Thanks for letting vent once again.. OH and NC has been made :)

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:52pm

believe,
it is funny how things look when you put stuff down, it will be more amazing when you journal and read what you wrote a month from now....might want to think about journaling...it is an amazing release. works for me anyway. I am proudly over 3 weeks NC :) I am trying to brag on myself so that I can encourage myself.

Dont sweat OW...i know easier said than done....and I have some of your same issues from before MM. Just think, what more is he going to give her? No better? and think...say you got his heart as you put it, you would be likely be his wife in a few years...look at it like this, you escaped!! U r not stuck, she is, the new one (OW) will likely be and so is he...they are stuck, u are free to move on and heal and be a better you.

try the journaling...esp at night. it clears the mind and lets you rest...hang in there. and continue to believe!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 12:56am

Hi Ibelieve,


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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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