Ok well to all who responded -
Find a Conversation
Ok well to all who responded -
| Mon, 05-05-2003 - 1:21pm |
ALL of you gave me alot to think about and thats what I do best lately THINK all the time!! The position I am in now is incredibly hard because COLD REALITY is in my face everyday. I have not seen xOM now in over 2 weeks(we have talked on the phone however.) But I realize that this is a blessing because it is making me face the fact that aside the fact that I miss om terribly - ME just as a person in general I am not happy and its because of my marriage - I have a appointment to meet with a therapist on Wednesday to deal with my depression and I honestly feel that I need to separate from my DH. I dont know HOW thats even possible but I realize if I am going to start living my life for me and not for everyone else that is the one main thing that I need to do. I do not love my husband - I fear him, resent him and do not desire him and all of this was BEFORE my affair - WAY before. I have asked for counseling for YEARS and he will not go. HIS phlosophy of our marriage improving is if I simply obey his rules and live under his thumb and all will be swell. Id rather not thanks...
Now is the time for me to do it too - and its for ME not for OM!! I am scared however to have to deal with CHANGE and guilt for not giving my boys a 2 parent household and I do have guilt for leaving dh (mostly becuase I pay for most of his finances though) and learning how to be just a single mom and living alone SCARY but I KNOW I can do it and will adjust and my boys will live in a house where they never have to see mom laying i a fetal postion crying her eyes out after their daddy has yelled at her for an hour straight.
Now is the time for me to do it too - and its for ME not for OM!! I am scared however to have to deal with CHANGE and guilt for not giving my boys a 2 parent household and I do have guilt for leaving dh (mostly becuase I pay for most of his finances though) and learning how to be just a single mom and living alone SCARY but I KNOW I can do it and will adjust and my boys will live in a house where they never have to see mom laying i a fetal postion crying her eyes out after their daddy has yelled at her for an hour straight.
Latest from the board
- Opinions, anyone?? 1
- I am here again, broken but determined to finally let go 6
- Fool me once didn't work... 3
- It's been a while... 5
- Another newbie 15
- I'm new and need help! 5
- I Finally Did NC - I'm Back to Heal
- One-Year Anniversary 2
- I need someone to talk me off the ledge of disaster... 10
- Whatzzup? 4
Memeber Support
Visit our Member Support area or browse the iVillage Help forum
| Q: | Where can I change my password? |
| A: | Log in, go to Edit My Preferences, and click the Account tab. Make and save your changes. |
I am near tears reading your post - not of sadness but joy for how STRONG you sound and how you are now heading in the right direction. If your marriage is as bad as you've described, then you are SO right - your boys will be much healthier growing up in a home without constant yelling and a mother who cries all the time. Resentment and fear are NOT going to turn into a good marriage, especially if your H has no desire to try to fix things.
I'm really glad you are starting therapy - it was the best choice I ever made in this entire mess - I hope you find it as valuable.
Please stick around with us for a while if you can... getting over the A and making all these life changes will be hard but you are obviously a very strong determined woman and you are going to BLOSSOM now.
Glinda
While I am glad to read your strengthening resolve, I am absolutely apalled by your stbxH's actions in front of the kids.
I, too, had a spuse who stood over me while I was in a fetal position crying my eyes out. And it too was in front of my children. My sons stopped me that night from committing suicide. I pray you do not reach that bottom of the barrel yourself......
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER stay and listen to that type of tirade from your stbxH or ANYONE ELSE. It is PURE ABUSE and you DO NOT DESERVE IT FOR ANY REASON.
If stbxH ever starts that again, gather your children and LEAVE. Get in your car and DRIVE away for at least two hours. DO NOT STAY and be abused. AND do not allow it to happen to your children.
If you feel threatened in any way during stbxH's comments while leaving this spewing, CALL THE POLICE. There is no shame in support and it may save your life. Anyone on suh a tirade is out of control and very capable of killing you.
I am not exaggerating.....just cautious based on PERSONAL experience.......
cl-nre
What amazes me from reading your post is that your DH takes the stand he does with you, especially considering you deal with the financial end. Listen, one very very very important role that the DH must learn in marriage is scriptural so I'm going to give it to you to help you move through your fears and to not accept less.
Yes, Wives are to submit to their DH's. HOWEVER, AT THE SAME TIME, HUSBANDS ARE TO LOVE THEIR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. You see, there are a lot of people who only know and put into practice what they want to, what serves them. But in marriage with God as the head, no one is above the other. It is an equal playing field with real respect from both sides.
This decision you've made will impact your children's lives in a much better way than holding onto a belief that they are going to be screwed up by living with only you. From the sound of your post, by staying you will be letting your H set an example for them that you would not want them to take into marriage when they are older. So your H's abusive days are over. Either he gets it right so that you can set the right example for your children or the marriage is over. And that takes him learning how to truly love you, not rule you.
My advice? Definitely separate as soon as you possibly can and I would recommend you do it quietly without your H knowing. Once it is done, your power will immediately increase and he will have to either step up to the plate and get help because down deep he knows he needs it or you will divorce. But either way, you will once again be able to live in peace for yourself and your children.
I will be praying for you. Email me if you need some additional advice as I am already divorced.
Sending hugs and God speed.
GT