Okay Folks, I need your opinion!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Okay Folks, I need your opinion!!!!!
11
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:55pm
XMM called me a couple days ago, and asked if we were over. I told him that I can't do this anymore and that I can't handle the guilt of it all. I love him. but I need to just get over this and move on like he suggested I do several weeks ago. (too that statement he said he didn't want me to get over it and move on). He told me this...

I love you and am in love with you

Need you in my life for the long haul.

He states that he has been faithful to me since this affair started. (Remember, now that his marriage is not good!!!)

He feels that we should commit to each other and he feels committed to me already. and he feels I'm afraid of committment).

He has loved me for a long time. and he can't let me go, no matter how many times I run off from him, being guilty feeling for attempting to have s**. He won't give up on me.

Basically the bottom line is that he is always gonna be part of my life forever. I know that. I love him. But I am scared.

He asked if he could just see me this weekend, if it's only just to hug me, and that's all. He knows that I am stubborn and that I won't cave that easliy. That man has been after me for about 2 1/2 years now and as little sex he has had from me and as many times I have up and left him hanging, he still comes back. The times we have had NC has killed me and I told him that.

Do I meet him?

Is it really love for him or is he just really wanting S** from me.

What do you think???

And THANK YOU so much in advance for your support and opinion!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:05pm


"Do I meet him?" NO

"Is it really love for him or is he just really wanting S** from me. no TO THE FIRST YES TO THE SECOND.

This guy is playing with your head sending changing signals.

What effect has all this had on your own marriage if you are married, this Guy is destroying his marriage do you want him to destroy yours??



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:08pm
Hmmm... It could be more than either just wanting s**, and it could be something different than, or in addition to, love -- like, needing your companionship, your understanding, your friendship; needing an ego boost; needing to feel needed and wanted; needing to fill a void... Who knows? The question is -- what do *you* want? Put his intentions aside, and really think about what would be the best thing for you. When you say you can't handle things the way they are -- is there some way to change them? What is it you are scared of? I am not sure of your story; when he is talking "commitment" does he actually mean he'll leave his wife and commit to you? Would you want that?

My humble opinion is that you probably just need to get a handle on exactly where YOU stand and take it from there. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:37pm
Thanks for your support!!! My husband knows of XMM. I have been honest with him about this and that has helped me deal with it. Crazy as it sounds!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:04pm
I appreciate you input!! Knowing XMM like I do, I make him laugh, I've made him cry, I make him think about things, and I have in some way made an impression on him that he feels like he needs me as a part of his life, only is it's only very minimal physical contact. You asked if there is a way to change the things I can't handle? (Basically my guilt) My husband knows of XMM, and I have been honest about this affair with him. It's a battle within my self, I think cause I know an affair is wrong, but then again it feels so right. I never ever dreamed I would be in this "situation", in my life. XMM and I have tried to walk away a million times but for some dumb reason, we always connect again. (I wonder if maybe really we were just meant to be in a friendship type deal.) When he talks committment, he wants me in his life for a long time. And would feel better knowing I would agree to it. I know it can't be just about S** tho cause after 2 1/2 years or better, our physical contact had been so minimal that any other man would have dumped me a long time ago!!!! I know that for sure. But he always is professing his love to me, and for me. Right now neither one of us would leave our marriages if we made some type of "committment" to each other. (Gosh does that make me a fence sitter and a cake eater????. I don't think that's what I want for me.)

Thanks!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:39pm


HEY

This may be a rude or stupid question but way does your husband put up with this guy chaseing his wife, mine if he were to know would kick his *SS and if that did not do it things would get worse for MM from there.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:25pm
takingcare: i really identified with your post. XMM and I have tried but still manage to stay in contact. I do make him laugh, cry all the time. We have connections up the kazoo. Whenever there is really something he needs to talk about, politics, issues with his kids, concerns or his own worries, he always picks up the phone and calls me. I think we are trying hard to stay in each other's lives--and i know he loves me for something other than s**, because we never had s** though we talked about it a great deal and were very much similiar in our needs and wants.

he asked me once: do you think we will be doing this when we are 65? And sometimes, i think we will. We will always be friends, dip in and out of each other's lives and will always have a strange kind of complicated and beautiful love for one another.

My XMM will never ever leave his marriage, and apparently i've chosen not to leave mine (at least until my boys grow up which is another 10 years from now).

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:24pm
I'm not sure if I would call you guys cake-eaters... probably 'enablers' would be more accurate. You keep each other going in your marriages without having to confront anything. I think of a cake-eater as a selfish person. I think an enabler doesn't really realize that they are hurting the other person in the end. I think it sounds like neither of you want to deal with why you are cheating and fixing it within your marriage. Is it selfish... I don't think so anymore... just not the healthiest of options.

JMHO

Bird
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:00pm
You know, I come to this board to lurk, vent or just throw my 2 cents in. All the responses I have received have helped me so much. I can't thank everybody enough for the support, opinions, etc. I have decided to NOT see XMM this weekend as he requested and return to my struggle with NC. I know that in the long run I will be better off. I'm trying hard to keep my head above the ugly cloud of allusion and off the wild roller coaster ride of emotion. Cause happy is really where I want to be. Again THANK YOU all for the support and opinions!!!!!






iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:09pm


YOU ARE STRONG, TRY NOT TO FORGET THAT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:08am
YES I AM!! Thank you for the support. This time I think NC will be easier to deal with. I hope so anyway. XMM called me yesterday. I ended the phone conversation quickly and politley. (I was at work). Never leading on that his efforts of contact this past week bothered me. (I think truly, he knew I would not see him and he would not get from me what he wanted). Will he call again??? I'm sure he will. Will I continue going NC, you bet I will.

I know this doesn't matter really but........

I hope he is happy in his life.

I hope that he will find the woman he "needs" one day.

I hope that he realises, the love I had/have for him is true and that he lost a good thing.

Oh well.... time to move forward. This woman is determined to be happy again, and enjoy her life, and is thankful for what she has.

It's his loss!!!

TCOM

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