okay what in the world
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okay what in the world
| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 9:15pm |
WHY - HOW - WHAT... UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How is it I can be going along and *think* I'm doing better and starting to let go... and then WHAM... in one minute's time I can go back to missing him and wondering if he has ANY desire to talk or see me!? Did he just walk away and in that instant all need or thought of me disappeared? How is that possible? It MUST mean he never felt even an INKLING of what I "felt"? because I STILL miss him - I STILL care about him and I wish I felt like he gave one little bitty s*&t about me! :(
Why do I go back to this when I THOUGHT I was moving forward to letting go!?!?!?!?!?
Edited 6/5/2005 9:21 pm ET ET by imanewposter

Hi Newposter,
Come on, girl. I have read some of your posts here and you have the right idea, so right now, you are just having a little setback in your mind and heart. We all have had that after ending it.
It is not possible for most of us to just turn off our caring for the Xap like turning off the hot water. You will have these periods of missing him and of thinking of him and wondering what he is doing. My advice is when these come, keep yourself very busy doing something constructive, or read and post here, but don't act on your "missing him" feelings. Dont contact him because these feelings will subside and as time goes on and you create a life style for yourself without him in it, these feelings will become less frequent. I have been there too, and even after ending my A 10 months ago, I still can have them, but it's not nearly as often or as strongly.
Don't feel like you are loosing it. YOu are just having a normal reaction and bump in the road.
Hang in there.
Ip
Hi,
We all feel like that- some of us everyday and some of us every so often. I was just thinking it too. I can feel bad and then better within a few hours. Personally, I feel that at night, I miss him the most and then the next morning I feel more resolved. Usually its the woman who is the more emotional of the two (except for Max) and somehow the man is able to compartmentalize his emotions and just block them. But that doesn't mean he won't feel them later or have them energe in some weird way in his life in the future. I'm not actually familiar with the details of your story but for me, I am divorced with no kids and he is separated with kids and I think having that family allows him to distract himself from the reality that its over between us (because he is still married). It definitely still hurts. It hurts alot to think that you just weren't worth it to someone. But to someone else, you are worth it and its MM's loss. Try to remember that. I don't know if you are spiritual but try to believe that the universe is protecting you from a greater hurt. Similar to how parents protect their kids from sometihng and the kids don't understand and get very upset because they don't realize that the parents are doing it for their own good. Also, try to think that its actually GOOD that you are experiencing your feelings of loss and sorrow - eventually they will pass and you will heal. Worse is to block them and have them affect the rest of your life (see: men, above).
I don't have the right answers because I am in the same boat but as they say - this too, shall pass.
Ivy
Will it really get better? When? I can identify with everyone here. Those moments come and for each of us are probably very individual. My OM and I never saw each other on weekends, but always looked forward to Mondays when we could talk freely again and make plans for the week. But now that he has ended it, Mondays are the hardest -- no phone call to look forward to and no plans to make. So after 2-1/2 weeks, I made a big mistake. Today I foolishly called and left a message (I can't call him anywhere directly since he left his job and started something new one week ago and he doesn't have a cell phone). That was at 9:30 this morning. I told him if he had any desire to hear from me to please call. It's been five and a half hours since I left that message and no word. I think I have my answer -- and it hurts. Anyone who says that it hurts more the second time around is probably right. Should I be happy that he hasn't called back?
I'm thinking that might be the case as painful as it is. Wow, can't get over the "how could he do this to me" phase?
oh girl - I can TOTALLY relate! I went through MONTHS of trying to reach him and double checking and verifying he was SURE he wanted it to be over... ummm yeah, every time he ignored me the answer should have been LOUD and CLEAR... but I KEPT reaching! :( THAT hurts - you are just putting yourself through the rejection over and over and over. And the fact is... he isn't rejecting you because of you - he's doing it because it's for the best... for BOTH of you! You'll see (I'll see)!
Fortunately (I guess) my exMM is VERY strong and his determination sticks and when he decided there would be no more contact he's been able to stand by that. Although he broke down at one point and I did get out of him that although he doesn't call or do the "I miss yous" it doesn't mean he doesn't think about me and miss me. And while that OFCOURSE made me want more (which is why he KNOWS it's better to not offer me anything) atleast he gave me that!
Don't go through the heartbreak over and over girl! Allow things to end... do what you have to do to grieve and move on (I'm writing this as MUCH for my benefit as for yours! Obviously after yesterday I need to hear it just as much!)
I couldn't relate to Railbunny's message (which by the way... why'd ya delete it RB?) cause exMM NEVER put me as such a priority - calling and texting and saying I love you all the time... shot - my exMM was as nonforthright as they come. I KNEW how he felt but he didn't make it known or stroke my insecurity at all!
But I SO remember Monday mornings... especially while I still worked with him... oh well... back to my other post about wanting some revenge! ROTFL
Edited 6/6/2005 4:07 pm ET ET by imanewposter
Thanks "new"...it really helps to have someone who has been/is going through what I am experiencing. I was doing so well not calling for almost three weeks, but the "pain" of Monday got to me. And of course, I was hoping that it would be the trigger for a call from him. But like your MM, my OM is also very committed to "what's for the best". Truthfully, this is the best for him right now because he has some other legal issues going on that he needs to get through (related to living in a rent controlled apartment). They may not be resolved for a month or so. He told me that he would call when "this mess was through". Will that do me any favors? NO.
And if he was going to call when that was through...why not now? I'm so confused. Perhaps you can see this more clearly since you having been going through this a bit longer than I.
I feel like I'm so sad that nothing matters. I've keeping really busy, but I always end up in this awful place. HELP!
IslandGirl
Well I'll tell ya there are two things that are getting me by right now (and I've gone through a whole array of thought-detourants... but 2 things to consider...
1) Imagine his life... (I assume he's single since you said "OM" and not "MM") he's probably got all this stuff going on... his apartment situation and his job and maybe he's been thinking about how he'd LIKE to find someone single and available for him to love and make a life with... but he KNOWS in his head that as long as he's wrapped up in you he'll NEVER move on... so for the sake of his sanity and the chance at having a real out in the open relationship he HAS to let go of you. Does that entirely mean he wants to? Well - in my book determination and perseverance equal diddly squat... but some people have it... and are able to do something no matter the other factors.
Side note: my brother has worked out EVERY day for about 10 years (okay give or take a couple days :p )... they guy is FIT to a T. He eats tuna and chicken breast every day of the week. He's one of the most committed and determined people I know. You could put his biggest vice - CHOCOLATE - in front of him during the week and he will refuse it! BLOWS my big ole chocolate loving mind! But... he does it! (I won't tell you how he allows himself to eat WHATEVER he wants on the weekends! :p )
But I believe it's no different for our exMM and exOM... they just have a strong built in willpower than you and I do. It's not that my brother doesn't SALIVATE when that chocolate is in front of him... and it's not that exMM and exOM don't have yearning for us... but they have their eye on this goal and because you and I distract them from it (because we are so fine and tempting! :) ) they HAVE to stay away! They just HAVE to - it's not necessarily what they want. And I know it's hard for us to understand... cause if we have a desire for something - we want it, get it and don't let go... they have that will power, determination... and then perseverance to stick to it!
Try to view exOM in a positive light (not one that makes you miss him or want to pick up the phone but one of respect) imagine him hurting that he can't talk to you - but the same scale is tipped cause he is hurting over not being able to move forward with his life and feeling like his love for you doesn't allow him to find a peaceful life - not that you make his life miserable - it's not that (and I realize I have to keep contradicting myself and making sure you understand because I've BEEN THERE!!!!! And you start thinking... so I made his life miserable? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! You - we - didn't!!!!! It's just that sometimes we have to choose... what is going to take us farther... a job that is GREAT but doesn't pay as much... or a job that is okay and pays well!?!?! It's a choice!!! That's it!
Okay enough on that topic...
2) and I realize you may not be to this point yet... I think I have a few months up on you... yeah me... and trust me when you get to this point and you have ALITTLE bit of wisdom that you get to impart you'll feel SO good - like you are so much farther along - when in reality I'm like a hair's width from being where you are! :p But imagine 6...8 months from now... when exOM is feeling like he made a mistake setting you aside... he's questioning whether it was a good idea and wants to just talk to you for a bit... he calls you up... but you are SO far on the getting over him and moving on journey that, yeah sure it brings back a bittersweet feeling and a tinge of ache for him... but more than anything you can see how far you've come and what a set back getting reinvolved with him - even to the point of talking on the phone and allowing him in mentally and emotionally - will do to you. You don't EVEN want to risk that. And you look forward to being able to say... "I love you with all I had... you didn't chose me... I now chose to not let you back in because I deserve more than what you did and would do again!" or something more clever than that! :p
What a release... sure it will hurt a bit even then to hang up the phone - but you are on your way... you are healing and letting go... and moving towards HEALTHY!!!! How AMAZING does THAT feel!!!! :) You'll come here and make posts about how you can't believe you aren't hurting on that particular day and how good it feels to be free from his emotional grasp over you! Imagine being healthy and done with all that affair "junk"!!!!!
Allow yourself to envision being happy AFTER him! It is possible and I believe you AND I will get there!!! Hang on girl! :)
"New"....
Thanks for the very thoughtful post. A few thoughts:
1. To your first point, I am single (separated, but headed for divorce). So he could have me if he really wanted me. I know his current situation is complicated and for emotional reasons it is easier to get rid of me than her. It does make me sad that he doesn't know how to make himself happy.
But I do hear you on willpower and he has more than me. In fact, part of it is a gender thing (men do it better in general). Part of it is cultural (he was born out of the US).
And part of it is that he doesn't handle stress well. So, it is easier to eliminate some of the stress (me) than to try and handle it all. He said he felt very near a breakdown (extreme? MAYBE).
I'm with you. When I find something I really want, I chase it. I believe that we only connect with a true soul mate once -- or maybe twice -- in this life. And I've had two chances. My (almost) ex was the first and now him. This may never come along again. And I'm not so young anymore either.
2. No, I'm not to that point of feeling good yet, but in my stronger moments, know that I will be there someday. I can't imagine six to eight months of this. I am so angry with myself for leaving that message today. I feel a bit like a jerk. I had 2-1/2 weeks under my belt. UGH!
Thanks again...your words are very helpful. I remain...a sad, IslandGirl.