OK...I KNOW THIS IS SILLY BUT...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
OK...I KNOW THIS IS SILLY BUT...
10
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:22pm
So today at 3:06 pm will be 2 weeks that I stuck to my promise and have not contacted him! I almost caved once but with the help of this board I went through the emotion, got through it and I cant believe that I have done this for 2 weeks. Not ready to pop the champagne bottle yet but it does feel good. Again, dont want to get ahead of myself.

Anyway, I have deleted all his emails except that last one. So when I think I am about to contact him I look at it to keep me in line. But there is one thing that bothers me.

This was the email...

ME: "I ask you again. Do you want me to completely stop any kind of contact with you?"

HIM: "Think its best, dont you?"

ME: "I was hoping for a yes or no answer from you. Why do "YOU" think that is best? Cuz' I get too crazy after a while and "I", not "you", cant handle just being your friend?

on another very quick note: did something bad happen? i had a terrible dream which brought on these terrible feelings." (side note - the reason i asked that is cuz' he is having some family health issues)

HIM: "Nothing bad happened, thank god,. Thanks for the concern. Yes, please stop any contact."

///////////////////

ok. so you say where is the confusion??? well there was one thing that kept bothering me and i know i am being silly BUT i need your help here. His initial comment of " i think its best dont you" - why do you think he was asking me what i thought?????

for those of you who read my post from a couple of weeks ago and responded saying he was being very direct about ending it. i thought it was strange that he just didnt say initially "yes, i dont want you to contact me, its over"

So whats bugging me is why do you think he asked me what i thought??? in the past when he has asked me this i have always told him lets try to be friends and convinced we could do it. this time i didnt do that. do you think he was hoping i would? i am sure he cant believe i havent contacted him since i always broke the NC first. i am determined.

thoughts????

Dipss

ps - I am not caving...just analysing a bit. i promise i am not caving. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:40pm
Breaking up is hard isn't it? :(

Being the one to initiate it is very hard. You can see it is necessary, but you really and truly don't want to hurt this person you have been involved with for however long.

You hope they see it is necessary too, and will make it a mutual decision. You hope they will understand your feelings and not subject you to all their angst and anger associated with the breakup, because you are fragile too, and that would just make it hurt all the more.

And you hope they will not try and drag you back in, because you are afraid you will be either too weak to resist(which will bring you back to square one), or you will end up lashing out with anger and hurting them just to save yourself.

Does that help any?

*hugs* to you.

Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:00pm
someday -

I loved your response!

I could totally relate to it.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:27pm
Hiya Dipss,

<<>>

Saying "He77 no, I never want to hear from you again," often offends, Dipps. And since an offended exAffair Partner is a loose cannon aimed right at one's marriage and to be avoided at all costs, well, it's not very wise to irk an exAP., is it?

Seems to me that if he can get you to agree to or even *suggest* the NC rather than requesting it himself, then he has a slightly higher chance you'll keep the EMA secret to yourself. It's also an old tried & time tested sales technique - get the potential buyer to agree to a couple of things, any old thing will do, and this immediately puts the buyer in a more positive & open frame of mind to whatever it is you are proposing.

Could be he perceives that if you've suggested & agreed to the NC (which is what he wants), then his secret remains just that and will be unlikely to trouble his marriage which is, of course, to be preserved at all costs.

If he perceives the secret may be about to leak, then the old "I ended things, darling, but she just wouldn't leave me alone!" card is frequently pulled out to prove the wayward spouses' intention to make good his/her errant ways. It's often trotted out as further proof that the EMA really wasn't his or her fault since he was stalked by this scary, nutzoid, bunny-boiler of an affair partner. Some cornered rats have been known to make up threats of blackmail to tell the betrayed spouse as reasons why the WS felt compelled to continue the affair very much against their will.

It ain't pretty, Dipss, but EMA's seldom are very attractive when subjected to the light of day.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:14pm
Ok, I much preferred Somedays response. ;) It sounded so much more romantic and kind. Then I read yours and I got another major dose of reality!

Your right. Damn it! You are so right. Whats scary is that at one point when I was delusional and somewhat on the border of psycho "boiler bunny chick" (LOL- that makes me laugh every time i see it), ipretty much eluded to the fact that maybe I would just tell my husband everything and of course that made him very nervous. I think he holds that fear cuz' my H and him know each other and of course you know what can of worms that will open. I never had intent to do that but I felt at one point desperate to feel in control and it appeared when I did that I regained control (temporarily at least)

How did you know that??? So strange. I never even mentioned that before and you just saw right through it. There is no reading between the lines here or at least no romantic delusions.

Thanks for your honesty. Thanks for keeping my fantasy world in check and bringing me back to reality!!!

xo!!!!

Dipss

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:32pm
Hiya Dipss,

<<>>

Because I was raised by the Lord High King of All Master Manipulators and I can spot it from 10,000 miles away. Because I *myself* (having learned my father's lessons well)have used every trick there is in the book to swing things my way and even made up a few to add to the book (father would have been proud!). Because there isn't a reason or justification I didn't think of in order to get that last word or last bit of my fix of exOM.

I obtained my "golden ticket," Dipss. And when I had it in the palm of my very own hand, I recognised it as the same exact dirty, smelly, cheap-@ss fool's gold tinted ticket that exOM had given to his long term gf. I knew beyond question that were I to accept it, I'd be exactly where his gf was right now:- wondering who was last in her bed, who has long red/blond/brunette hair that might explain the strands on his collar, who was that he was IMing so intently, and who might be knocking on MY door with another half-brother or sister to my child.

I also saw how much I'd cheapened & disrespected myself in having manipulated the outcome. Having "seen" it & him, it was impossible to "unsee" it or him again.

Wish I could say that was the end of it for me, but it wasn't, though it was at least the last-knockings. I struggled to preserve my fantasy bubble even then, Dipss. In the end it was literally a matter of remaining the same being more painful than moving on. Also, even if I didn't deserve better, well, my daughter most certainly did.

We can only ever change ourselves, Dipss. We are the Captains of our very own ships and with our own choices & decisions we steer those ships exactly where we want them to be. Where will you steer your ship, Dipss?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:45pm
Hopefully my ship is heading back in the right direction. God knows I am trying!!! The ship was lost but hopefully just temporarily and I am on the right track again.....

Thanks again!!! I need the honesty.

and by the way...not only your daugher, but YOU deserve MUCH BETTER!!!

xo!

Dipss

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:50pm
Hiya Dipss,

<<>>

No hopefully about it, sweetie, and certainly not lost. You're at the helm and that ship's right where you put it. Which way will you steer now?

<<>>

Oh, I have the best, thanks for the well wishes. I'm happily rebuilding with my DH and we're raising DD as a family. Life is pretty wonderful these days. :)

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:05pm
Hi Dipss...

Don't have much great advice, but I wanted to offer my support. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I overanalyze every email and IM and wonder "what did he mean by that?" I pick it all apart and try to find some shred of evidence that he cares about me. Never found much to speak of.

I found it helpful to get rid of all my emails from him, and I am trying very hard to worry more about my own mental state and marriage then what XOM is thinking. Hell, I doubt he's thinking about me at all or putting 1% of the energy into worrying that I am!

Anyway, I am here if you need me!

(((DIPSS)))

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:57am
Awwww thanks Lily!!! You are very sweet. Well today is my birthday and I KNOW that I wont hear from him. A part of me wants him to send me an email so that I dont respond. silly huh? I know he wont but we can dream cant we? :)

Anyway, we are not unlike many others or I should say women ;) who totally over analyze things. But I am glad to hear that you are focusing on your thoughts and fixing your life and worrying more about that, than him!


Today I am entering my 3rd week of no contact and someone had mentioned regaining power and control...and that is exactly what it feels like. Hoping that it continues to feel this way! I like to be in control. I am done looking frail and weak.

Hope you had a good weekend and today is a happy one for you!

XO!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:07am
YAY, DIPSS!

Happy Birthday to YOU!

Happy Birthday to YOU!

Happy Birthday Dear Dipss!

Happy Birthday to YOU!

:)

I am so proud of you! Stay strong and have a GREAT week!!!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby