ok...you gals are gonna kill me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
ok...you gals are gonna kill me!
21
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:41am
Hi All,

OH-OH!!!! Katie, Free, are you guys gonna be mad at me!!! I wasnt even going to confess but all while I was doing this all your names were entering my head...What would Lily, Meg, Posie, True, Mo, fall, ivworking...etc..etc...say if they knew what I was doing???

Well I had such a stressful day yesterday. Stressful week from the opening of the gate. Next thing I know I am emailing him and I hit send! A few moments later he responded. It started getting a bit flirty. Which surprised me cuz' he hadnt done that in a long time. We were usually just arguing in the end. But you know what? While I was emailing I felt so happy and relaxed all of a sudden. I know, I know...just a temporary fix of the drug which initially makes you feel good and then you feel like crap shortly there after. Guess what??? It is sooooo easy to fall right back in the trap. I was doing at all over again after 5 weeks of NC!!!! It was like I spoke to him just yesterday

So I will let you be the judge of how bad the email dialogue was...here it is...SORRY GUYS!!!! I messed up! Big time!!!! (you have to read the email from the bottom up...the only reason i am putting this in here cuz' its like my confession time to you all. I feel obligated to confess...pretty embarassing!

Dipss --------

xmm: Didnt I just say that? Dont copy me.



And yes I am a liar!

Dipss: Liar!

xmm: Me too.

Dipss: no i swear!!! i miss our silly conversations and you making me laugh.

xmm: Liar!

Dipss: by the way....when i said that is what i missed i meant your sense of humor. i didnt mean that i missed the sexual comments. just wanted to clarify.

xmm: I knew that would get you.

Dipss: LOL!!!!! Too funny.



Very good. Yup. It just hit me. That is what I miss!

xmm: I am always interested in "Fashion". As in if I were to ask "In whaich Fashion would you like it?"

Dipss: oh love (not to be confused with "sweetheart"), dont you detect my sarcasm anymore??



yes. "the what are you wearing" comment would be considered sexual. unless of course you were simply interested in fashion.

xmm: What do you mean "shocker"



I try and stay away from sexual talk as much as possible. Now if I asked, "what are yhou wearing" that would be sexual!!!

Dipss: your not allowed using "love" as a condescending word. too sentimental.



you sound sexual??? now thats a shocker.

xmm: It the best I could come up with without sounding condescending or sexual.



I know love!

Dipss: i didnt mean you were stupid, silly.



oh good. are you sure vibrant is the appropriate adjective?



for me, it was your condescending nature, "sweetheart". (he used to that word at times to women in a condescending fashion which would make my head explode)

xMM: Wow! ouch!



It was your vibrant personality

Dipss: oh yeah love it. just as much as i love stupid people.

xMM: you love vague, dont you!

Dipss: oh!



so what was it?



now your being vague.

xMM:It wasnt the laugh!

Dipss: for some? and how about for you?

xmm: wasnt that bad for some!

Dipss: my laugh huh? just when you thought you hated it...then you realize...hmmm, it really wasnt that bad. it has that effect on most.



xmm: of course! (confession here - i was so happy to know he missed me - pretty sad huh?)

Dipss: you miss me dont you?

xmm: Just being silly. You used to say " I am feeling a little weak" (btw - i used to say that when we were having heated email conversations)

Dipss: oh what?

xmm: weak, oh!

Dipss: (this is something he mentioned before about a long running joke...so this line may make no sense) ok. i cant even joke about it. i am not or never will be a ___ girl...lets end that delusion right now. its making me a little weak just thinking about it.



yes you do.

xmm: I love to condescend.

I do have that effect!



dipps: yes. i agree. rare you used sweetheart in an affectionate way. i was the "love" word user. dont deny it. you thief of words. you mainly used sweetheart in a condescending fashion.



actually. "are you crazy sweetheart?" sounds more familiar.



laughing already. amazing what a little (xmm)___ sense of humor does to me.



xmm: I am not a liar! I always in a condescending way saying "sweetheart". IE: Whats the problem, sweetheart.... Listen Sweetheart..... OK sweetheart....



Not it sounds familiar, doesnt it?



Dipss: you are such a liar. (LOL). you rarely used "sweetheart" either! unless you were being condescending. should i remind you of the girl from ____ "sweetheart"?????



xMM: What! Well maybe my word was "Sweetheart", but that sounded condescending.

Dipss:" since when do you say "love". that is my word. you still plagirizing me? oh and by the way i didnt laugh.

xmm: I figured you would laugh because thats how I really speak.

Dipss: Hold on. Just picking myself up from the floor. Love? You sure you didnt mean to write bi-ch???? ahhh, yes. now that makes more sense.



Yes. I am in ____ today.

xmm: Whats wrong love?, you are very bitter. ___(location where I work) today?

xmm: My attitude of late is screw them. Bad?? If they think I am b__ch then screw them. I too seem to be much more cynical these days.



oh yes!! explaining yourself to 10 different people...but you forgot to mention 10 stupid different people. oh yes, that is always so much fun.



i swear _____(my son) has more common sense then half these morons.



xMM: You are a little more complex than that. I am surprised they dont know that yet. People are dumb and its not easy dealing with all the riff-raff.



I hate answering to people and explaining myself 10 times to ten different people.

Dipps: (explained the work story here)....



Ok. maybe just sensitive. tired. fed up. so because of all of that, my patience tolerance levels have decreased dramatically.



sorry to vent to you. not too many people understand me. they just think i am b--ch.



xmm: Whay are you having a shi--y day?

Dipss: I am. Vague? You mean not my typical long winded details?

xMM: Whats wrong, you are being vague! Are you in __?

Dipss: Everything??? Too vague???



Ugh!



Maybe just a shi--y day and I dont know who to vent to. Maybe I am just really tired of dealing with one problem after an another cuz' of incompetent fools in this business!!!!! Too many stupid people out there with important titles. Or maybe I am just the a--hole who is too sensitive about this crap.

xmm: I know what you are talking about, what is the issue about?

Dipss: I just want to cry today. So frustrated. You ever feel like that?



You know when you are overwhelmed with problems and you feel like an anxiety attack is coming on?



Am I crazy? Or do you know what am I talking about?



xMM: Whats up? What wrong?



I am a tough judge because I hate everything every day.

Dipss: so stressed today!!! i needed to vent! sorry.



Do you ever just hate this crap????



Lord I need a NEW life!! Real quick!!!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:51am

Thanks for the vent......


Now go back to work and stop hitting the send button.


Try hitting the "save" button, save to your computer, re-read and hour later and then hit the delete key.


Same affect without the interaction with your X.O.M.


Isn't that what you really want? A vent without emotional strings?


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:53am
You know I love you, dipss.... BUT I so don't even want to comment on this.

You re-opened the door, and you're already back in knee-deep. It's not for me to judge your choice. When you are ready to end it, you will, and we'll be here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:55am
Katie.

Say it! Say exactly what you thought when you read it. I beg that you are honest with me. Even if it sounds harsh. I obviously need harsh.

So have at it. Please!

Bad, bad, bad, bad!!!! I know!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:15am
Katie,

BTW- I really dont want to rekindle anything. That is the strange thing. When he asked me which office I was in...i almost panicked cuz' I didnt want to speak to him. I was on a conference call and the phone rang twice. once my assistant picked up and they hung up and the 2nd time i told my assistant to just leave it go to voice mail and i had no message. i am pretty sure it was him. and i didnt want to talk to him. it was like i just needed a little fix of him which i got through our emails. email is safe in my mind cuz' i didnt hear his voice. he had been so cold with me in the end which was unusual for him so it was a bit shocking that he was being so "normal" per say. and i guess i was like a kid in a candy shop at that point. i was yearning to hear that he missed me. not sure why. you know i always struggled with that.

i know you said i am knee deep. but i SWEAR i dont want to re-kindle this. i guess i was caught up with looking for a momentary escape.

just had to add that.


Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:18am
dipps!!

See, you already know that the email communication was wrong but at the same time you were loving it, right? Those "innocent" conversations are just reopening the door to get right back into an A/situation. Been there, done that and did it again!

It's that fun/euphoria thing....I'm right there w/you, don't know if you saw my post but I'm trying to deal w/it today. Like everyone has been posting, until WE make up our mind to end it, it won't end & we'll be sucked back in. How many rounds will it take for us to get sick of the frustration/hurt/anger??!!!

But, all is not lost...you could just simply not email him and reinstate the NC and just look at this as a mistake. =]

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:25am
Honey, I'm not here to be your conscience. I'm not here to be angry at you. I'm sure as hell not interested in analyzing the content of a silly, flirtatious exchange.

If you want a reminder as to why you might want to reconsider getting involved with OM again, go a post or two below and read about the damage Daf is struggling to overcome in her marriage now because of her A. Maybe the little highs you get from the OM are worth that risk to you, maybe not. I can't decide that for you, and although I won't support you if you choose to continue the A, I'm sure not going to waste any energy getting all upset about it! It's not about ME or what I think! I'm here to help you if you want it to end, though!

xo,

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:45am
Dipss, i just read your note about not wanting to rekindle anything... Just remember, ANY kind of contact -- voice or email -- is still contact; it is not harmless! Would your hubby think that exchange was harmless if he read it? A couple more exchanges like that, and you'll be swimming in it all over again.

I am really not sure what kind of answers you are looking for... Are you wondering how to proceed? That just depends on what you want to happen, I guess!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:18pm
Hiya Dipss,

How exactly is anyone being harsh with you going to help?

It's you and only who can decide whether you are in or out of your affair. No one else can do that for you.

No one can feel the pain for you nor undertake to go through the stages of grief for you either. That's something else that you and only you can do.

Even if someone were foolish enough to take on that task on your behalf, there'd be absolutely no benefit to you. What would you have learned except someone is almost always there to rein you in or take on the task of working on Dipss for her?

Let us know when you choose to end your affair in order that we can offer you our full support.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:36pm
C'mon, Dipss. You know better than this! You're stuck in exactly what I've been talking about all week. What the heck do you get from this guy that you need to escape to him? If only we knew. I'm working so hard on figuring that out right now, but in the meantime, I'm being extra vigilant. You relapsed on e-mails, my nemesis is the dreaded text message. Whatever. Even this teeny, weeny contact was enough to keep the XMM on my mind. I resent that I never initiated this contact and XMM can just worm his way into my life thru my darned cell phone, but I also realize that I have to take responsibility for that and either change the number, block his number, or de-activate the text messaging function.

Dipss, do some real self-examination here. Do you want to end this thing or not? I know there are those moments of sheer insanity when we still want to end the A, we just need a little "fix." Kind of like dosing down from valium. I can identify with everything you're feeling, including the contradiction of wanting to end the A but also wanting those occasional little escapes from real life that the XMM offers. It seems to me, though, that I will never stop wanting those little escapes if I keep leaving myself open to having them.

Anyhows, Dipss, I'm done with my handy dandy 2 x 4 if you want to borrow it... Love you! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:49pm
Dipss!!!!

I had to come out of lurk-dom to answer your post! Well, Sweetheart (and I mean that in the LEAST condescending way possible. ;) LOL) I have done the same thing. Funny, switch out the inside jokes for mine and xOM's and it could have been one of our exchanges. As ya know, I work with xOM, too, and many many many MANY times over the past 6 months I was having a rough work day and used emails to him to give me a little escape. I, too, felt ALIVE and RELAXED after I had a flirty exchange with him and that fix lasted for hours. But you already know it was a temporary fix and it fueled the addiction. I don't need to tell you that.

I've got to say the only thing that has truly allowed me to heal and manage my addiction is no contact (except very few and far between professional interactions). Well, and the help of Lexapro. I had that last encounter where we were pretty careless and unsafe and felt sick about it the next day. I had the help of the meds and made up my mind to NEVER AGAIN fuel the fire or open the door. When he emailed, I responded very shortly and politely. When he asked about my weekend, I included my husband's name in all my weekend plans (____ and I went to the beach. It was great! Thanks for asking!) I stopped asking any questions in my replies because I didn't want a response. Since that day in September I have not initiated one email or any type of contact. Here's my big step....DRUM ROLL PLEASE...I had to email him some info on Tuesday that my boss requested. I did, was COMPLETELY short and professional, didn't ask how he was or anything. He replied the next day to thank me and asked how I was. I DIDN'T RESPOND! For the first time I didn't even respond with a "Fine, thanks." NOTHING! It was very liberating, and finally was easy to do! I always had to have the last word, but no more! It felt great. I even kept the email in my inbox to remind me that I am in control, and that I choose every day not to contact him. It's my choice, and I am making the right decision.

My point in all of this rambling is to show you that one little slip-up doesn't ruin things, but you do need to make the decision that it was your FINAL slip-up. Make it YOUR decision and keep the control. I've totally been there, and done that. But I took conscious steps to learn from my experience and move on. I was SOOOOOOOO infatuated with him, too. If you'd told me 3 months ago, that I wouldn't even answer an email from him, I'd have thought you were crazy. Then longer the NC, the easier it gets. I promise.

Let me know how you're doing! I've missed ya!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby

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