ok...you gals are gonna kill me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
ok...you gals are gonna kill me!
21
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:41am
Hi All,

OH-OH!!!! Katie, Free, are you guys gonna be mad at me!!! I wasnt even going to confess but all while I was doing this all your names were entering my head...What would Lily, Meg, Posie, True, Mo, fall, ivworking...etc..etc...say if they knew what I was doing???

Well I had such a stressful day yesterday. Stressful week from the opening of the gate. Next thing I know I am emailing him and I hit send! A few moments later he responded. It started getting a bit flirty. Which surprised me cuz' he hadnt done that in a long time. We were usually just arguing in the end. But you know what? While I was emailing I felt so happy and relaxed all of a sudden. I know, I know...just a temporary fix of the drug which initially makes you feel good and then you feel like crap shortly there after. Guess what??? It is sooooo easy to fall right back in the trap. I was doing at all over again after 5 weeks of NC!!!! It was like I spoke to him just yesterday

So I will let you be the judge of how bad the email dialogue was...here it is...SORRY GUYS!!!! I messed up! Big time!!!! (you have to read the email from the bottom up...the only reason i am putting this in here cuz' its like my confession time to you all. I feel obligated to confess...pretty embarassing!

Dipss --------

xmm: Didnt I just say that? Dont copy me.



And yes I am a liar!

Dipss: Liar!

xmm: Me too.

Dipss: no i swear!!! i miss our silly conversations and you making me laugh.

xmm: Liar!

Dipss: by the way....when i said that is what i missed i meant your sense of humor. i didnt mean that i missed the sexual comments. just wanted to clarify.

xmm: I knew that would get you.

Dipss: LOL!!!!! Too funny.



Very good. Yup. It just hit me. That is what I miss!

xmm: I am always interested in "Fashion". As in if I were to ask "In whaich Fashion would you like it?"

Dipss: oh love (not to be confused with "sweetheart"), dont you detect my sarcasm anymore??



yes. "the what are you wearing" comment would be considered sexual. unless of course you were simply interested in fashion.

xmm: What do you mean "shocker"



I try and stay away from sexual talk as much as possible. Now if I asked, "what are yhou wearing" that would be sexual!!!

Dipss: your not allowed using "love" as a condescending word. too sentimental.



you sound sexual??? now thats a shocker.

xmm: It the best I could come up with without sounding condescending or sexual.



I know love!

Dipss: i didnt mean you were stupid, silly.



oh good. are you sure vibrant is the appropriate adjective?



for me, it was your condescending nature, "sweetheart". (he used to that word at times to women in a condescending fashion which would make my head explode)

xMM: Wow! ouch!



It was your vibrant personality

Dipss: oh yeah love it. just as much as i love stupid people.

xMM: you love vague, dont you!

Dipss: oh!



so what was it?



now your being vague.

xMM:It wasnt the laugh!

Dipss: for some? and how about for you?

xmm: wasnt that bad for some!

Dipss: my laugh huh? just when you thought you hated it...then you realize...hmmm, it really wasnt that bad. it has that effect on most.



xmm: of course! (confession here - i was so happy to know he missed me - pretty sad huh?)

Dipss: you miss me dont you?

xmm: Just being silly. You used to say " I am feeling a little weak" (btw - i used to say that when we were having heated email conversations)

Dipss: oh what?

xmm: weak, oh!

Dipss: (this is something he mentioned before about a long running joke...so this line may make no sense) ok. i cant even joke about it. i am not or never will be a ___ girl...lets end that delusion right now. its making me a little weak just thinking about it.



yes you do.

xmm: I love to condescend.

I do have that effect!



dipps: yes. i agree. rare you used sweetheart in an affectionate way. i was the "love" word user. dont deny it. you thief of words. you mainly used sweetheart in a condescending fashion.



actually. "are you crazy sweetheart?" sounds more familiar.



laughing already. amazing what a little (xmm)___ sense of humor does to me.



xmm: I am not a liar! I always in a condescending way saying "sweetheart". IE: Whats the problem, sweetheart.... Listen Sweetheart..... OK sweetheart....



Not it sounds familiar, doesnt it?



Dipss: you are such a liar. (LOL). you rarely used "sweetheart" either! unless you were being condescending. should i remind you of the girl from ____ "sweetheart"?????



xMM: What! Well maybe my word was "Sweetheart", but that sounded condescending.

Dipss:" since when do you say "love". that is my word. you still plagirizing me? oh and by the way i didnt laugh.

xmm: I figured you would laugh because thats how I really speak.

Dipss: Hold on. Just picking myself up from the floor. Love? You sure you didnt mean to write bi-ch???? ahhh, yes. now that makes more sense.



Yes. I am in ____ today.

xmm: Whats wrong love?, you are very bitter. ___(location where I work) today?

xmm: My attitude of late is screw them. Bad?? If they think I am b__ch then screw them. I too seem to be much more cynical these days.



oh yes!! explaining yourself to 10 different people...but you forgot to mention 10 stupid different people. oh yes, that is always so much fun.



i swear _____(my son) has more common sense then half these morons.



xMM: You are a little more complex than that. I am surprised they dont know that yet. People are dumb and its not easy dealing with all the riff-raff.



I hate answering to people and explaining myself 10 times to ten different people.

Dipps: (explained the work story here)....



Ok. maybe just sensitive. tired. fed up. so because of all of that, my patience tolerance levels have decreased dramatically.



sorry to vent to you. not too many people understand me. they just think i am b--ch.



xmm: Whay are you having a shi--y day?

Dipss: I am. Vague? You mean not my typical long winded details?

xMM: Whats wrong, you are being vague! Are you in __?

Dipss: Everything??? Too vague???



Ugh!



Maybe just a shi--y day and I dont know who to vent to. Maybe I am just really tired of dealing with one problem after an another cuz' of incompetent fools in this business!!!!! Too many stupid people out there with important titles. Or maybe I am just the a--hole who is too sensitive about this crap.

xmm: I know what you are talking about, what is the issue about?

Dipss: I just want to cry today. So frustrated. You ever feel like that?



You know when you are overwhelmed with problems and you feel like an anxiety attack is coming on?



Am I crazy? Or do you know what am I talking about?



xMM: Whats up? What wrong?



I am a tough judge because I hate everything every day.

Dipss: so stressed today!!! i needed to vent! sorry.



Do you ever just hate this crap????



Lord I need a NEW life!! Real quick!!!!









iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:59pm
dipss -

Lily is right. We all have little slip-ups. I em'd my XMM last week (I think) because I wanted to ask him in person if he ever considered us to really be friends. How stupid was that???? I realized how stupid it was and decided I didn't want to talk

to him after he replied quickly - 'I'm here, let me know when you want to talk.'

I never answered him and a couple days later he em'd just to tell me something (stupid).

I IGNORED it. He did it again on Monday, and I IGNORED it.

These guys are SLIMEBAGS. Most of us would not be in this position if they

hadn't pursued us over and over and over. I take full responsibility, however I am

taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY to get myself out of this mess too.

I can't even imagine what my world would be like if H ever found out. That is

my major motivation.

I read the articles posted by free and one of them talks about 'temporary insanity' -

that is what happened to me! LOL - It's a chemical thing. And you can get those

'highs' from EM as well as seeing them in person.

It's NOT WORTH IT, is it dipss?

A temporary setback....now analyze what you did and then stop it!

Next time, get AWAY from your computer! Go for a walk around the office.

DONT EM him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:00pm
Dipss

Go read DAFS THREAD BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR FUTURE if you don't start to take this serousely, your playing a very distructive game with the future of your marriage and family.

If you don't deal with it it will deal with your life and family by destroying both.

Time to stop making excuses for cheating on your family, and yes in my opinion that e-mail exchange was cheating.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:17pm
"I'm sure not going to waste any energy getting all upset about it!" OUCH!!!

Ok. Harsh enough. Strangely enough I feel like I disapointed not only myself, my H and son but you guys as well.

Feel like I let the support group down.

I dont know what overcame me yesterday. I was out of control. Not thinking of any future just how good it felt at that moment. Lord, I would never want to go through what poor Daf is going through and yet I am setting myself up for it now arent I?

I am smart enough to know what is the difference between right and wrong just too dumb to remember it some times.

No I dont want to start the A over again.

I know it didnt appear that way through yesterday's exchange of emails but i really dont.

I included the dialogue for you guys to see almost to shame myself. It obviously worked. Yup, I am shamed.

Thanks Katie.

xo!

A Shamed Dipps

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:20pm
"What would you have learned except someone is almost always there to rein you in or take on the task of working on Dipss for her?"

ok. that comment really hit home. I am the youngest of three, and you know what that was always the case with me. Whenever poor Dipss was in trouble (which was way too often) in came my big sisters to help me out.

I guess this time I am on my own. Nobody but me is gonna save myself here.

You guys arent here for that. I know. Maybe in the back of my head I felt that if it was innocent enough I could rely on you guys to pull me out of it.

Mistake #179. actually i am sure that number is much hihger.

thanks Posie!

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:27pm
Hey Mo,

I dont know what I get from him. I am still figuring that one out too. I dont know why when I get overwhelmed and stressed I turn to him. I have been fighting it for 5 weeks and yesterday I just wimped out. Yup. Wimped out. Thats a good word.

Today is another day I guess. More self examination as to why I too am a bit of a "whack job". ugh!

Thanks Mo. Yup I am ready for that 2 x 4 now!

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:30pm
Hi Lovely Lily,

Glad you came out of lurk-dom. I was happy to see your response.

You gave me a bit of hope and strength that its not too late and that I can still recover if I choose to and if I am smart about it. Yesterday was just plain DUMB!!

That is great you didnt respond. I think I would struggle with that one. Or at least today I would.

I am really happy that your holding strong and doing well. You gave me some hope and real inspiration.

Thanks!! I like when you come out of your lurk-dom. :)

xoxo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:41pm
Dipss...

I don't think you need to be shamed...that's not what we're here for!!! Sometimes we all need a kick in the arse, but a loving one. Honey, we've ALL done it! I just want you to know that I support you and am here to help whenever you feel weak. I hope my post didn't make you feel ashamed. I just wanted to send you hugs, I've been theres, and you can do its. You 've got nothing to be ashamed of. You came to us because you want to end it, and you confessed! So, go forth, my child, and be absolved of your sins!!! :)

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:45pm
iv and free,

so i went back and read free's post. i think for me it was more than temporary insanity. how about sheer stupidity. GUILTY AS CHARGED.

Free. I expected you to be more harsh. maybe i was secretly hoping you would be (not telling you to do it now though - your harsh words scare me).

iv - nope it isnt worth. surprisingly enough i do know better. i know its hard to beleive.

in terms of pursing us...i take full responsibility here. i initiated the contact and got excited when he was being his "old" self with me and well i guess it started to get out of control. quickly and very easily.

thanks.

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:46pm
Ok, Dipss, enough beating yourself up (I think we've all joined in to help you, too!!!). We love you and don't want to see you cause yourself any harm. Look at it this way - maybe this was just the final straw that you needed. Maybe now you'll be able to take your NC to a whole new level with me! It's not just contact in person - it's contact via electronic devices, as well! LOL. Affairs must have been so much more difficult in the old days...

Somewhere in this thread someone posted about temporary insanity - I think that's what you and I are dealing with here, Dipss. All of a sudden contacting the XMM is the most incredibly compelling idea we've ever had! The last time XMM sent a TM that I did respond to (OUCH! Whack me with that 2x4!!) it was almost like I was powerless to stop myself. I know that sounds like such a cop-out (Free, Posie, Katie, I'm sure you're rolling your eyes as you read that!) but it's like my brain disconnected and I just went on autopilot and sent the darned TM! I think that's why I want to draw so much attention to it this week and really beat myself up over it - next time XMM tries to contact me (yes - I'm taking steps to stop his access to my cellphone!) hopefully I'll remember how poorly I felt this week and remember alot of what's been going on on this board these days, and I won't suffer momentary brain lapse.

It aint worth it, Dipss. Hang in there! Love you, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:43pm
Thanks Mo and Lily,

Ok Mo. I am on that same road with you. No Contact. Really means no contact and I understand that the exchange of email and TM is contact.

So getting back on the horse and chalking it up to a momentary lapse of sheer insanity.

I am stopping beating myself up and will just start acting on what I say I am going to do. NO CONTACT!

It could have been alot worse. In the past by now we would have been setting up a meeting. I tripped. Yes. I will admit to that....but I didnt fall into the hole.

xoxo!

Dipss